Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Guy buys a small car, but takes it back the next day

What's wrong the sales guy asks

I don't want to be licked in the face by a dog each time I open the window...

 

Doctor - I performed that emergency operation in the nick of time... otherwise the patient would have healed by himself.

 

Heavy make up chick in bus wants a seat.
Nahhh... a painting must hang the guys told her.

 

I'll teach you to kiss my doughter !

Too late sir, I already know how...

 

Hungry guy in restaurant complains about a sousage they serve him

What's wrong with the sausage asks the waiter

Hungry guy - the ends are too close to one another...

 

Skip's place?

 

IHOP ,,International House Of Pancakes,,,hehe
what would her name be?,,,,,,
Ilean hehe

 

Ha ha. Damn.

 

Among the millions of unknown and unimportant Indians are some
well-known and unimportant ones, such as:

Amitabh Bachchan - Tall actor and alleged philanderer
Rajesh Khanna - alleged actor and wife-deserter
Dimple Kapadia - alleged actress and deserted-wife
Pooja Bedi - bimbo
Sunjay Dutt - alleged actor II and suspected terrorist
N. T. Ramarao - alleged regional actor and skilled cross-dresser
Ravi Shankar - sitar player who prefers to live in America
Zakir Hussain - hairy tabla player who prefers to live in California
Rajiv Gandhi - corrupt ex-Prime Minister I, Dead. Resting in Pieces.
V. P. Singh - crooked ex-Prime Minister II, Brain Dead.

This list has only included a few people. There are about nine hundred
million more, so your chance of meeting any of the above in India is
pretty slim. Still, we gave you a little background on them; just in
case you ran across one of them so you wouldn't look like a darned fool.
Probably too late for that, but at least now it won't be our fault.


Places
======
There are thousands of places you could go to in India, and some of
them are even interesting to go to.

The Taj Mahal: This is well-known around the world as one of the
-------------- most hyper-hyped tourist places of all time. Most
foreign tourists seem to think that it is a mosque, but they are
wrong (bloody typical, isn't it!). It is a tomb, built to bury a
queen. After she died of course, they weren't barbarians or
anything. Her husband thought it would be a cool idea to have a
massive ******** for his dead wife, which is pretty perverted, if
you ask me. I mean, the old bag was dead, for chrissakes. Anyway,
different strokes for different folks.

The Red Fort: Well, it is a fort, and um... it is kind of red, but
------------- I guess you expected that anyway. It is located in
Old Delhi, to which I guess you can go from New Delhi by doing some
nifty time-travel. Heh heh, no actually that's just a joke and you
are supposed to laugh now. Thanks. You don't need a time-machine,
you can just take a taxi.

Corbett National Park: Basically a jungle, but we figure you would
---------------------- pay good money to go stay there (and get
out of our hair for a while) if we told you that you could see some
tigers there. Kind of ironic, since Corbett was known for killing
tigers. Sort of like starting up a chain of Kosher Deli's named
after that Hitler bloke.

Khajuraho: A bunch of dilapidated temples in the middle of nowhere,
---------- but it just goes to show you how far people would go as
long as there was some sex involved. You can think of it as Debbie
Does Dallas in stone. Statues of men and women (and assorted
barnyard animals) indulging in sexual acts which, aside from some
of them being illegal under existing Indian laws, can be best
described as falling into the "Can you really do that" category.
A source of inspiration to young honeymooners and middle-aged
foreign tourists alike, and a source of rich livelihood to local
orthopaedic surgeons and emergency paramedics.

Kashmir: Snow-capped mountains, serene lakes, quaint ageless
-------- traditions, and beautiful valleys which are filled with
the sounds of staccato gunfire. Stroll through centuries old
marketplaces, touch lovingly handcrafted local ware, and witness a
real-life kidnapping by local terrorists, or get caught in an
exciting cross-fire between the army and the terrorists. Look up
at the clear blue skies at just the right moment (timing is
everything) and you may see a rocket bomb arcing gracefully through
the air. Unparalleled scenic beauty and violent armed civil unrest,
a combination you would be hard pressed to find elsewhere in the
world.

Rajasthan: Desert, mostly, but the kings built palaces there with
---------- a keen eye on the twentieth century tourist industry.
They also have an annual camel-trading show, where a lot of tourists
like to get into the way of local camel traders trying to run their
business. Still, if sand turns you on, you'll find plenty of it here.

Other Stuff: Not to be outdone, there are hundreds of places with
------------ really no inherent tourist appeal which would love to
have you visit them and support the local skin-the-tourist industry.



Languages
=========
English is spoken widely, but understood somewhat less widely.
Exceptions are regions such as Assam (see above) and Kashmir, where
the locals, presumably disenchanted with the peculiarities of English
grammar, have made creative use of alternative ways to express
themselves.

Sometimes you may come across signs which seem to be English, but
make no sense anyway...
Such as: "Xerox photocopy done in Telugu, Kannada and English."
or: "Limca - The zero bacteria drink"

There are several hundred local languages, none of which you have any
hope of understanding, so let us just forget that for now.

More here........ http://www.rajiv.com/india/humor/travguid.htm

 

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.


When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.


In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.


When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.


When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.


When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.


I am now older and wiser.





I am looking for a girl with huge magumbos.

 

At your age I would suggest self standing **** as huge ones may be difficult for the older you to pick up off the floor - Have a look at the "matrimonials" pages in India and SriLanka - many come with sizeable dowries (house and all that necessary stuff for a comfortable old age) hehehe - I am happy with mine...

 

Bloody funny bathplug,,,, freakin can't stop laughing.... F'cin "wristwatch"

I tried to give points (post feedback) but I sadly must leave it to others - I hope they do as that deserves some.....

 

Speeding in Pine Ridge

A Sicangu gets pulled over in Pine Ridge for speeding 88 MPH in a 45 zone. The cop asks for his drivers license and the Sicangu says, "I'm sorry officer, but my license was suspended after my 5th DUI."
The cop asks for his registration and the Sicangu` says, "It's in the glove compartment, but it's not in my name because I stole this car in a car jacking and I killed the woman that owns the car and stuffed her in the trunk and the gun I used is in the glove compartment. At this point the cop tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and he radios for back-up.
When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story and he walks up to the Sicangu in the car. The supervisor asks to see the Sicangu's drivers license and he hands it over and it is valid with the Sicangu's real name and information.
The supervisor asks for the registration and the Sicangu says, "It's in the Glove compartment." The supervisor tells him to keep his hands in sight and walks around to the passenger side and opens the glove compartment. There is the registration in the Sicangu's name and everything seems in order.
Next the supervisor asks him to get out and open the trunk. The Sicangu opens the trunk and the only thing there is a spare tire.
At this point the supervisor tells the him what the other cop had told him. The Sicangu says "I'll bet that lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding too!"

***********************
A terribly overweight Oglala went to IHS to be put on a diet.

The Doc said, "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Oglala returned two weeks later, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Oglala said, " yeah, but I tell you, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from tha' skipping."
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Don't Eat @ Prairie Wind Casino!

At Prairie Winds Casino, the waiter brought the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
The customer yelled, "Are you crazy? You have your hand on my steak!"
The waiter answered, "You want it to fall on the floor again!?"

 

Brian,

You really need Sinte Gleśka to explain that last joke.

Perry

 

There would appear that I can give only one answer to Missy Lee's joke??????????????????????????????????????????the f***