Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Gotta watch this

its good

how to open a beer

http://s202.photobucket.com/albums/aa111/Spin_Drift/?action=view&current=HowtoOpenaBeer.flv

 

These are for The1
he he

 

These are for our American friends

they are from 2002

ironical some of it

 

Fanie might not like this one

sorry sorry sorry

 

And to all the rest of you

may you have a wonderfull weekend

enjoy

jees i think i must get back to boats boobs & booze

 

This is so funny ,I CAN JUST SEE THIS LITTLE GIRL!!!



Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.

Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker.

She had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday.

Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on

her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him

why she deserved a bike for her birthday.

Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.



LETTER 1:

Dear God:

I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.

I want a red one.

Your friend,

Carol


Carol knew this wasn't true.

She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.



LETTER 2:

Dear God:

This is your friend Carol.

I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Carol



Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.



LETTER 3:

Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year.

I am very sorry.

I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Carol



Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get

her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told

her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan

had worked because Carol looked very sad.



"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar.

She looked around to see if anyone was there.

She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room.

She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.



LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,

YOU KNOW WHO

 

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

 

Mean mother of six eh !

So, did they go to the party Jim ? What happened next ?

 

he went to a wedding,,,,just after he found a new wife,,hehe

 

Yo! Like them 'the one' but as usual we're all short on rep points so virtual ones as usual I guess!!

 

You US guys are going to like this one...

A South African is enjoying a hearty breakfast - coffee, croissants, toast,Milk,Boilled egg,Egg roll,Omelette,butter & jam, etc. when an American, Drinking apple juce, sits next to him and starts an unwanted conversation:

American: "You South Africans eat the whole bread?"
South African: "Of course."
American : "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle, rebake them into croissants and sell them to South Africa."

American: "D'ya eat whole jam with the bread?"
South African: "Of course."
American : "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and left overs into containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to South Africa."

American: "Do you have s*x in Africa?"
South African: "Of course we do."
American: "And what do you do with the conds?"
South African: "We use and sell them to America, what do you do with them, HEHEHEHE.. "

American: "We put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to South Africa."

 

hahaha,,,,,hmmmm,,,i think i just had a "brain fart",,,,i gotta call some people and see what it takes to become an exporter,,hehe

 

You know you are in South Africa When....


- The bank checks your great grandparents' credit record before
granting you a credit card.

- The bank issues you a credit card with a limit that you can't even buy
a plane ticket with.

- Your cheque takes 24 days to clear.

- You see these intestine-stuffed-with-meat packs on the shelves of
supermarkets commonly known as Borewors. And when you take them out of
the pack, they're so long that it can be laid along the Great Wall of
China. Or you see people using it to tow their cars.

- You see it says non-South African Burger in some of ID books. (Just in
case you don't know Afrikaans, Nie SA Burger = Non SA Citizen).

- People talk about robots when they really mean traffic lights.

- The telephone company of South Africa overcharges you without you
realising it.

- You dial a toll-free number and nobody answers the phone.

- There's only one person aboard a double-decker bus during peak hours,
namely the bus driver himself.

- You find out there's nothing to watch on TV or it's broadcasting in 11
different official languages.

- When people interpret the STOP sign as a YIELD sign and a YIELD sign
as something totally non-existent.

- You see a traffic circle even though the road is only 3 metres wide.

- There's kingklip on every restaurant menu.

- The waiter snatches your plate the instant your knife and fork are
parallel.

- The guard dogs rush you at the gate, wagging their tails and waiting
to be petted.

- A mini bus taxi passes you, just to stop right in front of you.

- When the road narrows, the guy to the rear of you has right of way.

- You don't stop at a red rob.... traffic light, in case somebody
hijacks your car.

- You buy something that was damaged in the shop, and they won't refund
you.

- Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.

- You have to prove you don't need a loan to get one.

- A shop clerk makes you feel as if he/she is doing you a favour by
letting you buy from their shop.

- You save up for months to buy a video machine for someone to steal.

- You pay 3 times the value for the above mentioned video machine.

- Your insurance is higher than the repayments on your car.

- You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once.

- When Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime is
too high.

- When the political parties spend time and money worrying about crimes
of the past and ignore the crimes of the present.

- When purse snatching becomes a national sport.

- When people start joking about the crime rate.

- A Toyota Camry is a luxury car that costs as much as a BMW.

- The police ask you if they should follow up on the burglary you've
just reported.

- Locally built cars cost more that imported ones, and how quick and the
amount that these local car prices can drop.

- The rand goes for a dive, and everything goes up, even old stock.

- When you paint your car's registration number on the roof in large
letters.

- When 2 Afrikaans TV programs are separated by a Xhosa announcement of
the following Afrikaans program, and a Zulu commercial.

- The government has more opposition from themselves than from any
opposition party.

- A minister is fired, and returns the government cell phone, but keeps
the G-number-plated BMW.

- The currency takes a dive, and the previous government gets the blame.

- Students from Vaal Driehoek Technikon demands that their debt is
written off... at Pretoria Technikon

- A 45 year old engineer gets replaced by a 25 year old who cannot write
his own name.

- The employees DANCE in front of the building to show how unhappy they
are.

- Half the city pays for the other half's electricity and water supply.

- When a murderer gets a 2 year sentence and a pirate viewer a 6 month
sentence.

- The prisoners strike!

- Crime actually DOES pay.

- People are allowed to reclaim land (For free) that's been bought from
their forefathers.

- The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the program you just
finished viewing.

- The government GIVES you a house, and you complain.

- You can't even go on a business trip to Oz without somebody asking
knowingly: "Oh, having a look around, are you?...."

- The most popular vehicle is a 4X4 designed for driving in snow or
off-road that people buy for the express purpose of driving to Sandton
City/Constantia Village/GreenAcres/The Waterfront to do their grocery
shopping.

- Retail stores go out of their way to be open at the times that are
most inconvenient to the majority of people (8:30 AM to 5:00 PM), and
closed at the times when most people are able to go shopping (ie.after 5:00
PM).

- The few innovative stores that stay open late have to close down
through lack of business because the sheep, I mean people, can't get it
throughtheir skulls that you CAN go shopping at 10 PM.

- You attempt to get onto a freeway via an on-ramp and the guy
approaching on the freeway deliberately speeds up to prevent you merging
smoothly with the traffic.

- Or the guy in front of you (always an old man, wearing a hat <---
check, it's true!) stops dead, waiting for a gap onto the freeway.

- You buy a product with a 12-month guarantee (exhaust, video, toaster,
etc) and it expires after 12 months and 3 seconds.

- Locally purchased BMWs and Mercs have a sign on the dash saying "Use
indicators only in case of extreme emergency".

- There is more space between the sole of your foot and the accelerator
pedal than between your rear bumper and the car behind you.

- People would rather drive a flashy car with HUGE repayments and
MASSIVE insurance than live in a decent house.

- A Toyota Hilux bakkie cost as much as a Landrover.

- A pick-up truck is described as a "bakkie" even in english.

- The post office stores letters instead of delivering letters.

- Sam Shilowa calls for a stayaway on his birthday.

- When a South African coming from America/UK has a more pronounced
accent than an actual American/Englishman.

- Someone tells you about all the overseas places they have visited -
over and over and over again.

- In every mall there is 10 curio shops containing the same stuff.

- If you blink, you miss the weather forecast on TV.

- SABC 3 is SABC 2 after 18:30, only in KwaZulu-Natal, except on the
weekend.

- Petrol takes the biggest price jump in history, the banks increase
their interest rates by two percent, and the Rand's value dives by 25%,
but weare told that; "we have just had the lowest inflation rate increase in
24 years".

- When you go to prison for murder, instead of the death sentence, you
get a nice box of condoms.

- You are likely to spend less time in prison for shooting the SABC
license inspector, than for actually not having a TV license.

- The main headline of the evening TV news is the opinion of an
unemployed squatter who spik inglish no good and calls on the head of
Anglo-American to resign or face the consequences.

- You realise after watching the news on TV that nothing happened in the
rest of the world.

- To alleviate congestion in post office queues, they bring in the
innovative idea of selling scratch cards.

- You are expected to carry a drivers license that doesn't fit into your
wallet.

- The fact that there is an election and people are standing in line
waiting to vote is more important than the result of the election.

- The police advise you not to stop if they wave you down in the middle
of the night but rather speed past them and drive to your nearest police
station.

- People would rather be killed in their beds than live in some country
where they would have to make their beds themselves.

- You can't make a phone call because the copper cables have been
stolen.

- When SOME people start thinking university is free to everyone.

- When employers have to pay the employee wages during strikes and
cannot lock them out.

- When cops are always able to spot you parking/driving illegally but
are optically challenged if you are drive a taxi.

- When things don't get stolen, they get affirmatively acquired.

- When the government rams affirmative action down our throats while
wondering how the graduates & professionals could be so unpatriotic as
to want to emigrate.

- when the SABC summons you for non-payment of TV license fees - when
you don't have a television.

- When the vote counters in the rural areas are as illiterate as the voters.

- You no longer request anything, you "DIMAND" it.

- You know what "vowlence" is.

- People are not embarrassed about watching Leon Schuster movies, "Win
and Spin" or "Suburban Bliss".

- When the police offer R100 for reward leading to the arrest of
someone, or 3 cows.



Being from SA, all of the above is the truth. Ask any other SA guy, they will confirm.

 

i think your confused,,i only see 3 or 4 that were bout SA,,,the rest was from US. hehehe ,,,opps,,,gotta go,,rob....traffic light turned green hehe

 

An African walks into a bar with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket full of sh*t in the other. He says to the bartender,

“Me want beer.”

The bartender says, “ Sure chief, coming right up.” He gets the African a tall draft beer and he drinks it down in one

gulp. The African then picks up the bucket of sh*t, throws it into the air and blasts it with the shotgun. Then, he

walks out.

Four days later, the African comes back. He has a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of **** in the other. He walks up to

the bar and says to the bartender, “Me want beer.”

The bartender says “Whoa, Tonto, we’re still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What was that all about,

anyway?”

The African says, “Me in training to be contract engineer: drink beer, shoot sh*t, disappear four days.”