Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Newly married, first night, guy takes his pants off, gives to the wife to put on.
They're too big she says.
Just put them on he insist
so she does, and it's way too big.
He says, just so you know who wears the pants around here...

She takes takes her pants, give it to him to put on.
They're too small he says
That's fine she says, just put them on
He tries, barely got one leg in.
Now what he wants to know.
She says just so you know, if you want to get into those you better change your attitude...

 

They say for every lie you tell on earth you have to roll through the fire in the hell. There was this one guy, the devil had to ask him to sit out for a while so the fire can recover a bit.

Married guy dies and goes to hell. He was there two weeks before he realized he wasn't home any more.

 

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged,” and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.”

“Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.”

When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?”

“Once,” he replied.

“Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?”

“Don’t stop.”

 

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, “Lord, grant me one wish.”

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to.”

The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, one that would honor and glorify me.”

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent
treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

After a few minutes God said, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

 

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”

The woman says, “You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf.”

 

This one is especially for..... yes you!

5 Stages of Being Drunk

Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.
At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

 

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

A drunk walks into a bar and says,
"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says,
"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice,
so he gives him the benefit of the doubt.
He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill.
Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it.
He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says,
"Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill."
In disgust, the bartender says,
"What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink."

 

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet"

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!!

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."

 

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.

"How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

 

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.

The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles."

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served.

Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doin' all this drinking.

"You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I only have a dollar."

 

Boat jokes

Paddy and Seamus were working on a building site shovelling away when Paddy hears a big clunk.
"Seamus, I think I hit sumthin metal..."
"Well dig it up then..."
So Paddy keeps digging and then sees what the object is.
"Be Jesus, it's a bomb..."
"Keep on digging, there may be more..."
So he keeps digging until - "Son of Jesus, there's four bombs. We’ll have to go to the police."
So they get on the bus with a bomb under each arm
"Paddy, I've just had a thought - what if one of the bombs goes off?"
"Ah, then we'll tell the police we only found three...."

 

Blonde

You have to watch it to believe it ...

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/9507/

 

A guy goes into a tavern ... standing at the end of the bar is a horse, and behind the bar is a sign saying, "$10 a chance. Make this horse laugh, win $1000".

"I can do that", says the guy to the bartender, "but I want to take the horse outside. I'll bring him right back in, don't worry." "Sounds a bit strange," says the bartender, "but OK."

So the guy leads the horse outside. They come back in a few minutes later, and the horse is laughing uncontrollably. The bartender pays up and the guy leaves. A month later the guy comes back in the tavern. The horse is still there with the same sign. The bartender says, "I remember you, you won the $1000. already, so you can't try again."

The guy says, "Will you pay me if I make the horse cry?" "OK, but I know you can't do that." The guy leads the horse outside. A few minutes later they come back, and the horse is sobbing, with big tears coming out of his eyes. The bartender pays up, but says, "Look, this horse has made me a lot of money, but I have to ask: How did you make him laugh?"

"The guy says, "Easy. I told him my equipment was bigger than his."

"Ah, no wonder he was laughing. OK, so how did you make him cry?"

"I showed him."

 

Max,

If you're going to try to quote the Irish, get the pronunciation right.

That's "Son of Jaaaaaysus!"

 

Fella walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm

tells all, me mate can play any instrument you care to name for a drink for me

So the octopus played the piano, the violin, the viola, the sax and his boss is gettin drunk
tell ya wot, says the barman, I bet the cant play the bagpipes
so the oct is shown the pipes and he crawls all over em, feeling and probing
there ya go say the barman he cant play em
wait says the owner, when he figures he canna shag it he'll play it alright