Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Yup, and it isn't Mary

 

made a c*ck up of that one Fanie!

Just joling mate, some little beauties there keep 'em coming their bloody marvellous (and I'm jealous - can't remember a joke to save my life - OK Frosty I admit it!!)

 

Last one (for the weekend), just for you safewalrus

Wife went in for a fun ney tuck. She gets three cards
One from doctor - operation a big success
One from hubby - get well soon
One from boy elsewhere in hospital who got scourched by fire - thank you for my new ears !

 

Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?
She comes with all Ken's stuff!

 

Fanie
I don't care how inappropriate that is - it's the best one in days

 

It's a joke, not supposed to be inappropriate sorry anyone...


Wife to pharmacist - I need some arsenic, it's for my husband.
Pharmacist - I'm sorry, but it's illegal to issue that to anybody...
Wife takes out a picture of her husband with the pharmacist's wife...
Pharmacist - But ma'm, why didn't you say you have a presciption !


Was in a fight last night. I'm sitting with a broken nose, an off arm, a torn ear and a bloody finger. I have no clue who's it is !


This is a chain SMS !
Send it to 5 frends in two minutes and nothing will happen to you.
This one really works. Look, I did it and absolutely nothing happened to me !


Philamon walks into a US bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
'Where did you get him ? ' asked someone
'In Africa' said the parrot, 'there's millions of them there...'


Two Elephants sees a man naked in the bush
Look how skinny he is says the one
No wonder, says the second elephant, look what he has to eat with...


Blond drives while knitting.
Cop pulls up beside her shouting 'Pull over !'
She shouts back 'No you *****, can't you see it's a scharf !'

 

Now this really happened to me.

The missus and me were driving on the freeway yesterday when one of these blooming Philamon's in his mini-bus taxi's started trouble. If the guy isn't in front of me blocking then he's sitting on my butt flashing lights. If I change lanes so does he and after a few minutes of this going on I got extremely upset, next thing you know, we were expressing our views back and forth using all ten fingers. Now my blood was boiling and I gestured the ***** to pull over. He does, so do I, stopped behind him and got out the car.

Next moment the mini-bus taxi's side door flies open and about ten BIG Philamon's got out - thinking oh boy, here comes serious troubles ! They took about two steps towards me when suddenly they stop, their eyes flew wide open, and they piled right back into the mini-bus and took off like a rocket !

Oh well, probably thought I was some boxer or Bruce Lee or someone dangerous... untill I turned around to go back to the car... there was the missus got out as well, forgot to take the safety belt off, standing with the car on her back...

 

Native American tribal wisdom, passed on from generation to generation, says: "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount and get a different horse."

However, in South Africa, in government, education and corporate departments, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that the dead horse can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as 'living impaired'.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and / or training to increase dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And of course ..
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position!

If you understand the above, then you are obviously a South African

 

Couple (wife blond of course) decide the wife would use her assets for extra income. So the first night they made 188.50.

That's not too bad the husband says, but who gave 50c ?

What do you mean (blond wife), they all paid 50c !

 

Biblical Humor:

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in
liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew
out a prophet.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan...)

Norman Willet C.E.T.

And the first acrobat was Lot's wife, she turned a summersalt.

 

Guy goes to the patent office with a mouse trap he invented. It's a piece of wood with a blade an a piece of cheese behind it.
How does it work ? the patents officer wants to know.
When the mouse wants to eat the cheese he'll cut his throat.
Nah ! says the patent officer, it won't work. There's no cutting motion so the blade won't cut the mouse's throat.
The guy leaves

Two months later he's back, all excited.
Same piece of wood and blade, but no cheese.

Now how does this works ? (puzzled patents officer)
Well, when the mouse looks over the blade and looks left and right to check where the cheese is, he cuts his throat...

 

Guy was asked what they did for their silver aniversary just before their golden aniversary.
He says they went to some exotic island then.
And where are you going for your golden aniversary ?
I think I'll go back there and fetch her was the reply.

 

Hello, Boss Rod? This is Philemon, the gardener at your country estate.**
I have been trying for to speak with Boss now many days"

"Ah yes, Philemon. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Mista Rod, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the National competition?"

"Yebo Boss, that's is the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird." "What did he
die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Mista Rod"

"Rotten meat? Who in this world fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Boss. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Mista Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes Boss Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Boss"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Boss! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."

"What the!!??....Are you saying that my house is destroyed because of a
candle??!! "

Yes Boss Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Mista Rod."
>
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"

"Of your madam wife, Boss Rod... She showed up one night when telling
nobody she was coming and I thought she was a robber, so I hit her with Boss's new Tiger Woods Limited Edition Nike Driver."

SILENCE................... ,

LONG SILENCE..................................................

FINALLY .......................,





"Philemon, if you broke that driver, you are in deep, deep sh*t!" *

Pericles

 

Very good --very good --well done.

 

Fanie ,your jokes are very good (some of em),-- anyway Im sure they would fair better if I knew what a "Philamon" is?