Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

I think the first boat mentioned in the bible is the one that Noah built, and then we're told about the one for baby Moses, so it's not only about the big ones, then Jonah traveled to Tarshish but was thrown overboard and saved by a big fish, of which a king in India wanted to have a model, as per the Random Picture Thread.

 

They should have a boat like that in Finland.

 

It was actually a North American country that used to build cars in the style of Jonah's conveyance . . .

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The wedding ceremony came to the point where the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.

The moment of utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a small child stood up. She started walking slowly towards the minister in silence.

The congregation was aghast - you could almost hear a pin drop. ( a pregnant pause…)

The groom's jaw dropped as he stared in disbelief at the approaching young woman and child.

Chaos ensued…

The bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying.

Then the groom's mother fainted.

The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation.

The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward ? What do you have to say ?"

There was absolute silence in the church.

The woman replied, "We can't hear you in the back."

And that illustrates what happens when people are considered guilty until proven innocent.

 

A traveler stopped at a country cafe / bar / honky tonk out in a VERY rural area to eat dinner before setting out on the long road again.

The place was surprisingly packed for such a sparsely populated area so he had to eat at the bar. As he got his burger, a truly impressive affair for so little cash, one of the yokels announced that it was open mic comedy night and introduced the first up, a shy and lovely young lady whom he called a mic night virgin.

She waved and giggled a bit before timidly saying: “31.” and the place roared with guffaws. Encouraged she rattled off more numbers to even more laughs before leaving the stage in triumph.

And leaving the traveler thoroughly flummoxed.

The next two acts were the same, just calling out numbers and people laughing.

The man got the bartender’s atrention and asked.

“It’s mic night.” he explained.

“But they’re just calling out numbers?”

“Oh! Oh, oh, yeah, got you ... I thought you were a new face. No, you see, we all know all the jokes anyone knows here so they’ve just become numbers. Say a number and we know the joke.”

“REALLY?”

“Really, really.”

So with that info he asked the bartender to watch his burger and he went to talk to the MC.

In short order he was standing before the crowd, eager to pull one over on the yokels.

“22.” he said confidently.

Crickets .. a cough.

The man slunk off the stage and came face to face with the MC.

“Is 22 a bad joke?”

“’Bout the funniest we know ... but, sir, you just can’t tell a joke. Totally butchered it.”

 

Life is not like a box of chocolates.

It’s like a plate of chilies: what you do today may burn your butt tomorrow.

 

Shoes go through deep depression when one of the pair is lost.

It was its sole mate.

 

IRISH AIRLINES....

After being airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but they did not deliver our meals until one minute prior to take-off. We have 103 passengers on board, and, unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 4 hour flight."

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later...

"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available"

 

Once a good old boy from Georgia decided he’d try his hand at raising hogs so he got himself two beautiful sows, big ones, and they had such personality too.

About four months passed and the guy thought he’d got the hang of tending hogs and was finally ready so he called up this buddy of his who had a champion boar and made a date for his sows. Just a sawbuck per pig.

They didn’t want to get in the back of his truck, but he got them there and introduced them to their boar.

“How do I know if it took?” he asked his friend.

“Tomorrow morning if they’re sunbathing it took. But if they’re wallowing in the mud bring them right back ... with another sawbuck apiece for my time.”

The next morning they were wallowing and again they didn’t want to get in the truck but when they got to that boar they seemed happy.

The next morning they were wallowing again and this was getting expensive. With no fuss they got up in the back of his truck and once there a wild piggly orgy commenced.

The next morning the good old boy didn’t want to look so he sent his wife to look for him.

“Were they wallowing again?”

“No.”

“You mean they were finally sunning themselves?”

“No, they’re in the cab of your truck pounding on the horn.”

 

This is a story told about four people named, Somebody, Everybody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was one important job to be done.

Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about it because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it. Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

 

The truth is between those two options I'm afraid, since I've heard the adoptive father was a carpenter, so I'm afraid he has mistaken the table saw for a manger, oh what a mess that gave . . .

Merry Christmas to all . .

 

Oh, Hi stands for Herbert I. "Hi" McDunnough from Raising Arizona, the plot reads as a great joke....

‘‘ Convenience store robber Herbert I. "Hi" McDunnough and police officer Edwina "Ed" meet after she takes the mugshots of the recidivist. During subsequent visits, Hi learns that Ed's fiancé has left her. Hi proposes to her after his latest release from prison, and the two get married. They move into a desert mobile home, and Hi gets a job in a machine shop. They want to have children but Ed is infertile, and they cannot adopt because of Hi's criminal record, even though Ed is a police officer. Devastated, Ed quits her job. The couple learns of the "Arizona Quints," quintuplet sons of locally famous furniture magnate Nathan Arizona; Hi and Ed kidnap one of the babies, whom they believe to be Nathan Junior.

Hi and Ed return home and are soon visited by Hi's cellmates, Gale and Evelle Snoats, who have just escaped from prison. Under the Snoats brothers' influence, Hi is tempted to return to his felonious ways. Their problems get worse when Hi's supervisor, Glen, proposes wife swapping and Hi assaults him. That night, Hi decides to steal a package of diapers for the baby, but gets carried away and starts to rob the convenience store. Ed sees this and drives off without him, furious. Hi is forced to flee the store on foot, chased by two police officers and two armed cashiers who try to shoot him down, as well as a pack of neighborhood dogs, but he manages to outrun and lose them. Ed eventually picks him up, leading to a tense ride home.

At the McDunnough residence the next day, Glen approaches Hi to fire him, and reveals that he has inferred Junior's identity because of the newspaper article he read about Junior missing. He threatens to turn Hi in to the police unless Glen and Dot get custody of Junior. Gale and Evelle overhear this conversation and turn on Hi, tying him to a chair and taking Junior for themselves. Gale and Evelle leave with plans to rob a "hayseed" bank with Junior in tow. When Ed comes home, she frees Hi and the two arm themselves and set out together to retrieve the child. En route, Ed suggests that they should end their marriage after recovering the boy. Meanwhile, the bounty hunter Leonard Smalls approaches Nathan Arizona Sr. with an offer to find the child for $50,000. Nathan Sr. declines the offer, believing that Smalls himself is the kidnapper. Smalls decides to recover the child anyway to sell on the black market. He begins tracking Gale and Evelle and learns of their bank robbery plans.

Gale and Evelle rob a bank but leave Junior there as they make their getaway. One of the bank's anti-theft dye canisters explodes in their loot sack, blocking the car's windows and incapacitating them. At the bank, Smalls arrives for Junior just ahead of Ed and Hi. Ed grabs the baby and flees; Hi is able to fend Smalls off for a while, but is eventually overwhelmed by Smalls's superior strength, armament and viciousness. As Smalls throws Hi to the ground and prepares to kill him, Hi holds up his hand to reveal that he has pulled the pin from one of the hand grenades on Smalls's vest. Smalls cannot get rid of the grenade in time and is blown to pieces when it explodes and sets off all his weapons.

Hi and Ed sneak Junior back into the Arizona home and are confronted by Nathan Sr. After Nathan Sr. learns why they took his son, he sympathizes with their predicament and decides not to turn them in. When Hi and Ed say that they are splitting up, he advises them to sleep on it. Hi and Ed go to sleep in the same bed, and Hi has a dream about Gale and Evelle reforming after returning to prison, realizing they "weren't ready yet to come out into the world"; Glen gets his due from a Polish-American police officer whom he has no luck getting to listen to his "wild tales" about Hi and Ed after he "threw in one Polack joke too many"; and Nathan Jr. gets a football for Christmas from "a kindly couple who wish to remain unknown", later becoming a football star. The dream ends with an elderly couple (implied to be Hi and Ed) together enjoying a holiday visit from a large family of children and grandchildren. ’’

 

Well, Angelique, the American Southwest is many things, but it is never dull.

 

Except for the axes that chopped down the petrified forest.