Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.

"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only$5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $5 and $10 million ... and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary!"

 

Captured​

 

"Lord, please give me patience because if you just give me strength I'll need bail money too..."

 

I couldn't find where that comes from but it sounds like some good Texas country western.

"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank." Woody Allen

 

That's a good one, living that down will give him something to do in prison.

 

A fellah from Alabama decided to travel across the south on up to Virginia to see God’s Country. When he got to Ooltewah, TN, he liked the place so much that he decided to stay; but, first he must find a job! He walked into the International Paper Company office and filled out an application as an experienced log inspector. It was his lucky day! They just happened to be looking for someone.

Soon he and a foreman were off in the foreman's truck to "test how much you know."

The foreman stopped the truck on the side of the road, pointed at a tree and said: "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."

The man promptly answered: "That thar's a White Pine, 383 board feet of lumber in 'er."

The foreman was impressed! He put the truck in motion and stopped about a mile down the road. He pointed at another tree through the passenger window and asked the same question.

The man promptly answered: "That's a Loblolly Pine, 456 clear board feet."

The foreman was REALLY impressed with the Good ‘Ol Boy. He had been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator! One more test. A little further down the road and the foreman stopped again and pointed across the road through his driver’s side window.

"And, what about-"

Before the foreman could finish, the man said: "White oak. 242 board feet at best."

The foreman spun the tires as they headed back to the office, as he a little ticked off for being cut off like that and also because he now thought this redneck thought he was smarter than he is. As they neared the office the foreman stopped the truck and asked "Bubba" to step outside. He handed him a piece of chalk and said: "See that tree over there? I want you to mark an 'X' on the front of that tree!"

He was thinking to himself: "I'd like to see this idiot pretend how would he know which is the front of the tree."

When the man got to the tree, he walked around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reached up and marked a white "X" on the trunk. He walked back to the foreman and handed him the chalk.

"That thar's the front."

The foreman asked sarcastically: "How do you know that’s the front of the tree?"

The Good ‘Ol Boy looked down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies: "At first I thought you were puttin' me on but then I realized the hard way it has a front cuz somebody took a dump behind it!"

He got the job.

 

URGENT! WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF GRAVITY

 

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Workers refilling the Earth's core with molten lava during the Great Lava Shortage of 1912.

 

Actually dumping illicit beer and moonshine during prohibition, so my sister went to the protests . . .

 

... happy sewer gators...

 

Their eyes become reddish because of the booze, and after a few generations down there the offspring loses all pigmentation, the below captured one is now kept in a South Carolina tank to protect it from the sun, and lives on moonshine allone . . .

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I like the meanwhile jokes

 

And of course