Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Is that the same bloke who woke up screaming in hospital," I can't feel my legs, oh why can't I feel my legs?"

The Doctor said, "That's because we had to amputate your hands."

Poida

 

Good grief. Amputation jokes !

No sis man.

That reminds me of the lady who went in for a fanny-tuc. Two days later she got a thank you letter from the boy who got burned badly in a fire two hall's away saying "thank you for my new ears".

 

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who is this?
2. Mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she??

 

Extracts from letters written by council tenants:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage....
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink..
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces..
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large ******** in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21.. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

 

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch Her in the act.

For £100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money'

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Chelsea season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

 

Hey Fanie,

We's gotta pack up and head to Alaska buddy, things are happening......

http://vimeo.com/33914707

 

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

 

See if you can get through this one lads....... !! ;-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=P-JjaAh0NeU

 

The same reason we've gotten more divided the more useless Congress has become?

See previous comment about Congress

Incumbency, what else?

No one votes them out?

"The bureaucracy is growing to meet the needs of the bureaucracy."

Obviously because we're trying to build that boat we dreamed about all winter....

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCcwruZaU2o

 

People didn't evolve from apes, they evolve into apes.


In cowboy movies where the gun never goes empty, is it a bottomless gun ?


Why is Britain called a "kingdom" ?

 

I like this beer add. Class is a matter of how wet you are
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TCgRqKbTIM

I love fishing...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHcL40ALOJ8

Union is strength
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSQxYWExG50

How the ausies do it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSKL3ohnr3A

ROLLIN` SAFARI - what if animals were round?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yltlJEdSAHw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Po7RpGzFEIY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57jEMZ87ND8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qota928VTXw

Drink Milk !
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVc2IFq0JDQ

 

Fanie
"How the Aussies do it"

They are POMS.

Poida

 

Recently some folks in south Florida have been acting like they would want to become their own State because the folks in north Florida don't seem to them to be taking the danger of rising seas. Which obviously makes way more sense than taking steps to become friendly to well made floating communities and cruisers....

 

So :?: