Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Discussion in 'All Things Boats & Boating' started by brian eiland, Oct 29, 2006.

  1. rwatson
    Joined: Aug 2007
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    Location: Tasmania,Australia

    rwatson Senior Member

    Wooteryer MEAN there's no room to MOOR !!!

    A new way to find a spare space on the beach.

    ( unfortunately, its a one way trip :( )


     
  2. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    It got the service team's attention this time ;)
     
  3. Mr Efficiency
    Joined: Oct 2010
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    Location: Australia

    Mr Efficiency Senior Member

    An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a maths test.

    "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

    "Dat is easy," the Irishman says, and draws three trees.

    "Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" explains the Irishman proudly.

    "OK," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
    The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.

    The boss scratches his head and says, "how on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

    "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

    The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

    The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

    The boss looks at the drawing. "That represents a hundred? You're kidding!"

    The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
     
  4. Mr Efficiency
    Joined: Oct 2010
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    Location: Australia

    Mr Efficiency Senior Member

    Deep in the back woods of
    Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and
    the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no
    electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You
    hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into
    the world.
    "Whoa there" said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush
    to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough,
    within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it
    down there's another one!" said the doctor.
    Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

    "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it
    seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
    The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and
    asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light what's attractin' 'em?"
     
  5. ancient kayaker
    Joined: Aug 2006
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    Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada

    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

    Wonderful English from Around the World

    Cocktail lounge , Norway :
    LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

    Doctors office, Rome :
    SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

    Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
    DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

    In a Nairobi restaurant:
    CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

    On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
    TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

    On a poster in Johannesburg:
    ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

    In a City restaurant:
    OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

    In an Irish cemetery:
    PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

    Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
    GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

    On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
    OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

    In a Thai bar:
    SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

    Hotel , Yugoslavia :
    THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID..

    Hotel , Japan :
    YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

    In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
    YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

    A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
    IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE..

    Hotel, Zurich :
    BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

    Advertisement for donkey rides, Budapest :
    WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ***?

    Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
    WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

    A laundry in Rome :
    LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME..


    Hmm, what a pity Yugoslavia no longer exists; however, there's always Japan! Or maybe Rome. Decisions, decisions . . .
     
  6. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    The sign is true, it's there, actually they were all over.
    You can take a horse to water, it will drown rather than drink.
     
  7. philSweet
    Joined: May 2008
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    Location: Beaufort, SC and H'ville, NC

    philSweet Senior Member

    That's like the Braille instructions on the drive-through ATM machines.

    [​IMG]
     
  8. latestarter
    Joined: Jul 2010
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    Location: N.W. England

    latestarter Senior Member

    Husband: Would you remarry if I died?
    Wife: I think I would.
    Husband: Would you use our bed?
    Wife: Yes I would.
    Husband: Would you let him use my golf clubs?
    Wife: No..........he is left-handed.
     
  9. Rurudyne
    Joined: Mar 2014
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    Location: North Texas

    Rurudyne Senior Member

  10. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

    As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

    A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

    Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

    Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

    I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
     
  11. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans...

    walk into a very fine restaurant.

    "I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group...

    "You can't come in here without a Thai."
     
  12. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Never comfort another woman without your wife being present!
     
  13. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    THE SENSUOUS WIFE

    "Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife

    No," said her husband.

    She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

    "Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.

    "Uh, no," he said.

    She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

    "Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

    "No," he said, now really intrigued to say the least

    "Well, go look in the garage..."
     
  14. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

    Some doctor on teleivision this morning said that the way to achieve Inner Peace is to finish all the things you have started.

    So, I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Scotch, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha remainder of bot Prozac and Valium scriptins, the res of the Cheses cake an a box a chocolets.

    Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.
    Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece. Hic!
     

  15. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 170, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

    "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

    "For about 60 years."

    "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

    "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

    "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

    "Like I'm talking to a f wall."
     
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