Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

You know who invented copper wire - two jews fighting over a penny.

Why do they watch blue movies backward... they like the part where the girl pays them.

 

More snow jokes.

Tha ANC declared a state of emergency because the country is turming white again !

It's so cold the attorneys stand with their hands in their own pockets.

If you milk a cow you get ice cream instead.

 

Burn Lines...

They forgot the carpet burn one...

 

Good catch... I download various programs the morning after they air.

 

We record them and watch them when we get a chance. They come on after our bedtime. Also: Breaking Bad, Justified and Hell on Wheels are good ones.

 

. . . . .

 

"In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing, but you could see it." — Dave Thomas, SCTV1

"Four hours to bury the cat?" "Yes, it wouldn't keep still." — Monty Python

"What has the study of biology taught you about the Creator, Dr. Haldane?" JBS Haldane: "I'm not sure, but he seems to be inordinately fond of beetles."

...an animal loses not only its life but also its third dimension. — Roger M. Knutson, in "Flattened Fauna: A Field Guide to Common Animals of Roads, Streets, and Highways"

94.5% of all statistics are made up. — Woody Allen

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Are tectonic plates dishwasher-safe? — Herb Caen, S. F. Chronicle, 8/12/93

Do not walk behind me, for I will not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I will not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.
Leave me alone.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. — F. P. Jones

G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter yourself over a wide area."
— Somewhere in No Man's Land,

 

May catch heat for this,oh well.


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the wife cook in the dark.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her.

He: I'd like to marry your daughter.
Father: Have you seen my wife yet?
He: Yes, I have. But I prefer your daughter.

The wife found her husband sitting on the back porch crying.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"Do you remember when we were dating and your father told me that if I didn't marry you, he would send me to prison for 20 years?" he said.
"Yes", she responded "So what?"
"I would have gotten out of prison today", he sobbed.

What is 6" long, has a head on it and drives women crazy?
Money

How can you tell if a woman has an ******?
Who cares?

Why do women fake orgasms?
They think we care.

Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep!

How many men does it take to mop a floor?
None. It's a woman's job.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

How is marriage like a hot bath?
Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Wife: "The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie."
Husband: "Which is this then?"

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told!

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.
"He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
To which the Captain replied, "He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry."

 

I probably put this one in before as I only know about two jokes.

Three guys discussing their wives.
My wife is so dumb, she bought a vcr tape and we don't even have a vcr player.
Well, my wife is so dumb, she bought dishwasher soap and we don't even have a dishwasher!
Shoot! My wife is so dumb, she's got a purse full of condoms and she don't even have a d**k!

 

An oldy but a goody from the past:


However; If you Look Closer you will note thet the engine is Old 97 and as the story goes they were overdue for the incoming tide and ran right up the Marine Railways while docking a delivery of a Conasota Skooners, they diod not know that a Swabby had slicked up the rails using that New Brazzilion Bikini Wax and the rest is history.

 

That looks like the 1895 derailment at Gare Montparnasse in Paris, involving brake failure. The “old 97" (actually an almost new engine) went off a trestle bridge in Virginia, inspiring a great country and western song (" . . . died with his hand on the throttle . . .") which my band used to sing - rather badly - back in the 50's. FYI there was a double collision involving three trains in England in 1952; I remember the newspaper headlines for that one.

 

A bat with blood on his mouth flies into the cave. The other bats sees it, goes crazy and demand he must show them where he got it.

The blooded bat took the others to a big tree and ask them, do you see this tree ?

YES YES !!! they all shouted very excited.

Good, he says, because I f didn't !

 

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind
the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on
a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking
single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry
for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never
seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed
between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."

 

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

“Ma’am, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”

“Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.”

“That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That’s cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!”

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. “Well, dear, what exactly did he say?”

“He said the reflector is broken.”

“I can fix that in two minutes. What else?”

“I’m not sure, Jacob … something about the emergency brake…”

 

Those South African navel oranges are tasty and sweet. No joke.