Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Phobias -

hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia - fear of long words.

 

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
party with his old buddies..

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise.. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps,pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey.... At th e bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, ********? Drink your f***ing beer in your ******* frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, A**hole?'

so he stayed home............
........and, they lived happily ever after.

Now, isn't that a sweet story?

 

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.

The Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room was very quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

 

Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't Understand
how you can be so much bigger than me We're the same age, we were the
same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the ANC parking lot by the Union
Buildings.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to
unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, and shake the sh_t
out of them then eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the
sh_t out of a politician, there's nothing left but an ***hole and a
briefcase.

 

A man owned a small business in Durban. The Department of Labour claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent."

"Well," replied the business owner, "There's my manager who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him R2000 a week plus free room and board."

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her R 1000 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about R10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of scotch every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the business owner.

 

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk..
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: !

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground..
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is ... . . not piddling in your pants.

 

December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet..

The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's' ***** doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

 

A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the
Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his
hand.


"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"


"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.


"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine, "I just need one copy."


Lesson:

Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

 

. . . that the words 'race car' spelled backward says 'race car'.

. . . . that 'eat' is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense 'ate'.

. . . . and that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking ***holes,and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-loving, raggedy-*** ******** with you."

How weird is that?
It is Friday yay!

 

A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a draft beer.

'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.

'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man.

'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks.

Well, on my way home from the bar last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films.

I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything! Me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'

'Fantastic, you lucky *******!', exclaimed the Bartender.

'Was she pretty?'

'Dunno...Never found the head!'

 

- hmmm, let me guess . . . tell jokes on the Internet?

 

Noah's problems in South Africa

In the year 2004, The Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in South
Africa, and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark
and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have six months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights”.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his back yard ....
but no ark.

“Noah”, He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah. “But things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I’ve violated the neighbourhood
zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height
limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then South African Transport and Eskom demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to
clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I argued that the sea
would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees
in order to save the Giant Spotted Owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go! When
I started gathering the animals, I got sued by and some animal rights group.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will also,
they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and
inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then Kort Broek of Environment Affairs ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark
until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on
how many previously disadvantaged individuals I’m supposed to hire for my
building crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire
only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the Customs and Revenue via the Scorpions seized all
my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with
endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish
this Ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not
going to destroy the world?”.

“No”, said the Lord. “The South African Government beat me to it!”

 

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

"The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniel whiskey and women with big t#its."

 

Jealous

An I don't tell them I type/paste them.

 

Ahh, the infinite wisdom of the Scottish!! Best read in yer broadest Scottish accent...

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'No!' I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, 'Then how CAN I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out -
'YUV GOTTAE BE FUK'N' DEAD...'