Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

how come cannibals dont eat clowns?????


they taste funny

 

I typed 'Hell' instead of 'Hull' into my Sat-Nav.I still got there.

 

When I lived in Ottawa the two were considered synonymous . . .

 

Better pray to Dog then . .

Cheers,
Angel

 

- click pic to enlarge

Hull, Quebec, as seen from Ottawa, what's so bad there . . . ? ?

Cheers,
Angel

 

snappy comeback

A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-@rse bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s3xual exhaustion?” The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter. When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, “Well, I suppose you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”



via : http://www.laughitout.com/2008/07/good-witty-snappy-comebacks.html#ixzz1zcPivOJ2


Say, I like that autocitation feature, when did that happen? (I didn't copy and paste the cite, it just appeared).


Snappy comebacks are not my forte, but I did manage one that got a round of applause from the ladies at the bus stop in Key largo. I had been diagnosed with a dislocated shoulder (incorrectly, but that's not the point). I was told to exercise it (which is the worst thing I could have done, but also not the point). So every day for about a year I walked to the Publix grocery store in Key Largo and bought groceries and bottled water and carried them 1/2 mile home to exercise my shoulder. I happened to be carrying a sixpack one day when a total stranger with a head the size of a pony keg and weighing about 500# pulled up to me at the corner in a yellow Hummer and said- "You know, if you didn't drink so much, you could drive." I looked him up and down and said "Perhaps if you didn't eat so much you could walk." I've never seen anyone turn beet red so fast before or since.

My spellcheck doesn't like "sixpack"? What the heck have they been drinking?

 

That was a good one!

 

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car whilst you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally.................I assumed you had stolen the car."

 

The West Australian.

PERTH - An SAS trooper collecting toys for children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in east Perth.

The 'Toys-R-Us' Store Manager told 'The West Australian' that a man was seen on surveillance cameras last Friday putting a laptop under his jacket at the store.

When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled a knife and ran toward the door. Outside were four SAS Troopers collecting toys for the "Toys For Tots" program.

Smith said the Troopers stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them, in the back. The cut did not appear to be severe.

The suspect was transported by ambulance to the Royal Perth Hospital with two broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions and assorted lacerations including a broken nose and jaw... Injuries he apparently sustained when he tripped whilst trying to run after the stabbing.

One of the Troopers said, "He was a clumsy *******."

 

Good on 'em.

 

Pastor announces, "If you know your wife is controlling you, move to the left!"...

All the men in the church moved to the left except 1.
The pastor was amused and asked him, "How come your wife can't control you?"

The man quietly replies.... "Pastor it's my wife who told me not to move...

 

- sounds like a female pastor to me . . .

 

The end of Caveman Civilization . . . . .


- click pic to enlarge

Jimmy Castor Bunch - Troglodyte

Oh well, no joke but sure the end of Caveman Civilization . . . . .

Cheers,
Angel

 

The wife and I went shopping yesterday.
Out of the blue she accuses me of being the laziest bum on earth !

I was so shocked I almost fell out of the trolley !

 

Does anyone here think that it is fair for vegetarians to eat animal crackers...?

eldar