BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

Discussion in 'All Things Boats & Boating' started by brian eiland, Oct 29, 2006.

  1. Bamby
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    Location: USA near Wheeling, W.V.

    Bamby Junior Member

    My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that "help" get an ********.

    You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

    I am still looking for a place to live.
     
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  2. Leo Lazauskas
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    Leo Lazauskas Senior Member

    It shows what we think of our politiicans when someone decides to name a pool
    "The Harold Holt Memorial Swimming Centre".

    It's like naming a building "The JFK Shooting Gallery and Book Depository".
     
  3. Bamby
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    Location: USA near Wheeling, W.V.

    Bamby Junior Member

    She's single...
    She lives right across the street.
    I can see her house from my living room.

    I watched as she got home from work this evening.
    I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
    She knocked on my door...
    I rushed to open it.

    She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this
    strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
    Are you busy tonight?"

    I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

    Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"



    MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!
     
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2015
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  4. ancient kayaker
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    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

    - you don't like dogs?
     
  5. Bamby
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    Location: USA near Wheeling, W.V.

    Bamby Junior Member

    THE FRONT FELL OFF!

    On July 21 1991, an oil tanker off the coast of Australia split in
    two, dumping 20,000 tons of crude oil.

    Senator Collins, a member of the Australian Parliament, appeared on a TV news program to reassure the Australian public.

    This actual interview is funny - you'd swear it was a 'Saturday Night
    Live' skit or Monty Python, or for you old timers, Abbot & Costello.

    Unbelievable...........

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-QNAwUdHUQ

    http://www.amsa.gov.au/marine_environment_protection/major_oil_spills_in_australia/Kirki/index.asp
     
  6. bntii
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    bntii Senior Member

    That's some funny stuff!
     
  7. Poida
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    Poida Senior Member

    You'd swear it was a skit, in fact it is. John Clarke the gentleman being interviewed is a commedian.

    Poida
     
  8. Silver Raven
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    Location: Far North Queensland, Australia

    Silver Raven Senior Member

    Bamby. These 2 guys are both K1W1 blokes. There the best comedians in the 2 countries. They do what both countries do ever so well - take the 'mickey' out of themselves, eachother & anything & everything they can. They are very good at it - ie - don't take yourself so seriously that you lose your sense of humour. Bloody great NZ & OZ tradition - long may it continue. Ciao, james - ex-pat Canuck - living in OZ for the past 50 + years.
     
  9. ancient kayaker
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    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

    "How many politically-correct people does it take to screw in a light-bulb?"

    "Look, I don't know, but that's not funny."
     
  10. Leo Lazauskas
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    Location: Adelaide, South Australia

    Leo Lazauskas Senior Member

    (This one will work if you change Iraq to Iran.)

    IRAQ: Hello?
    US: We demand pizza.
    IRAQ: OK, where should we send it to?
    US: It's too late for negotiations.
    IRAQ: Please, where should we send the pizza?
    US: You're trying to distract us. The real issue here is pizza.
    IRAQ: Okay...
    US: We demand unconditional delivery of pizza. No payment or anything.
    IRAQ: Hey, if we're sending pizza we better get paid for it...
    US: This is duplicity. We won't be misled by you. You have had enough
    opportunities to send pizza.
    IRAQ: That's the way it works. You get pizza, we get money.
    US: We oppose linkage of pizza and money.
    IRAQ: Let's negotiate about this. I'm sure you'll get pizza soon.
    US: We need pizza within 30 seconds or we'll bomb you.
    IRAQ: Do you even want pizza?
    US: The time for negotiations is past.
    IRAQ: We can't send pizza if we're not going to get paid and we don't
    even have somewhere to send this.
    US: Our position is clear: send us pizza or be destroyed.
    IRAQ: But-!
    US: NO NEGOTIATIONS! YOU AREN'T GOING TO SEND PIZZA, ARE YOU?? THE
    ENTIRE INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY DEMANDS PIZZA!
    IRAQ: Oh, great.
    US: WE'VE GIVEN YOU AN ARBITRARILY LARGE NUMBER OF CHANCES, BUT YOU
    JUST WON'T SEND PIZZA! IT'S TIME FOR WAR!!!
    IRAQ: Fine, fine!! We have pizza! We'll send pizza!
    US: It's too late for that.
     
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  11. Leo Lazauskas
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    Leo Lazauskas Senior Member

    A SHORT REVIEW OF THE BACKWARDS BIBLE

    The beginning is really exciting: the damned and the blessed are
    taken from Heaven and Hell and placed on Earth, then a thousand year
    reign of GOOD! (tm) followed by a thousand year reign of EVIL! (tm),
    with lots of monsters running around bringing dead people to life and
    creating mighty empires from rubble.

    Then the monsters are locked away in their pits for all time, the
    Seven Seals are put together, and an angel blows a trumpet, ending
    the lives of billions at a stroke.

    All that's a prologue for the main book, in which the Romans take a
    dead man out of a tomb and bring him to life on a cross. After a bit
    more healing, he is put on trial and released. He celebrates with a
    First Supper with twelve friends. Later, he shrinks down into a little
    baby, and gives gifts to three wise men.

    In the second half of the book, Moses erects a golden calf for the
    Children of Israel to dance around, then takes away the rules his
    tribe has been living by and gives them to God on a mountaintop.
    He then leads the tribe out of the Promised Land, through forty years
    wandering in the wilderness and finally into slavery under the Pharaoh.
    (This seems to be a criticism of middle management.)

    Towards the end of the book, there's a list of "begats" chronicling
    the decline of world population. Ultimately, there is only one couple
    left, who leave a life of hard work to retire in a tropical garden.
    God turns them into clay, then destroys the Earth, then finally
    destroys all form and is utterly alone.

    Kind of a bummer ending, if you ask me. Maybe you'd like it if you're
    some existentialist weirdo. To each his own.
     
  12. BPL
    Joined: Dec 2011
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    BPL Senior Member

    The big bang theory is better backwards. A feel good story.
    Everything goes from chaos to order and the universe draws closer together.
     
  13. ancient kayaker
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    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

    I got a nice warm fuzzy feeling from that story. imagine the entire universe disappearing into a gravitational singularity! 10^28 kelvin and climbing, with everyone close by and handy - within the length of Plank's constant; warm and cosy!

    Reminds me of the legend of the Ouzlem and Floozelem Bird. This creature, unique in all Nature, has evolved an unbeatable defence strategy. When startled by a predator it takes to the wing, flying straight up in the air to a great height whereupon it proceeds to fly in ever-decreasing circles, ultimately disappearing up its own fundamental orifice. From this unassailable position it showers $h!t and derision onto its helpless adversary.
     
  14. hoytedow
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    Location: North of Cuba, a little

    hoytedow Wood Butcher

    A man went to Africa to do some game hunting. While there, he hired a boy to accompany him as his guide. Soon, a large flock of birds flew overhead and the hunter took aim.

    The guide grabbed his arm and said "Oh,no! These are foo birds and to shoot one means terrible things will happen to you! The man figured that was only a superstition of the locals and shot one down. Then the rest of the flock returned and pooped all over him.

    He hollered at the boy, "I must have some water right away to wash this mess off."

    The boy said "Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo bird off means sudden death immediately!"

    Again the hunter ignored his advice, found water and got cleaned off.

    Sure enough he dropped dead then and there.

    The moral of this story is "If the foo sh!ts, wear it."
     

  15. WestVanHan
    Joined: Aug 2009
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    Location: Vancouver

    WestVanHan Not a Senior Member

    I thought up a joke about the Costa Concordia- and I'm probably not the first to think of this.

    In light of the deaths,is it too soon???
     
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