Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

- probably just as well . . .

 

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

 

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

what did the elephant say to the naked man?


you breath through that!

 

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

 

When I was a Lieutenant at Robins AFB, Somebody decided we should wear camo on Fridays. In an office building with 5000 people? Among other things, I did some vehicle camo work for the Air Force. I found some material at Walmart with staplers and paperclips and calculators on it and had three sets of "office camo BDUs" made. On the appointed day, three of us showed up wearing this with all rank and accoutrements applied. Wish all my stunts came off as well as that one.

 

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

 

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

 

SMS to wife:

"I should be home in an hour.
If I'm not home in an hour,
please read this SMS again."

 

From Teardrop Trailer thread:

The Pastor's ***

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won..
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:

"PASTOR'S *** OUT FRONT".

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:

"BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ***".

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid
of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
the next day:

"NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN".

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so
she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

"NUN SELLS *** FOR $10".

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

"NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE".

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . .. . being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's *** and you'll be a lot happier
and live longer !

 

Don't wait for the shrimp boats Honey, I'm coming home with the crabs...

 

Here is a little multiple-choice test about intelligence in American politicians.

The rules are simple. I will give you a quote and you have to guess what great American said it. Your four choices are President Barack Obama, former President George W. Bush, former Vice President Dan Quayle, or former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.

Good Luck.


1) "Let me be absolutely clear. Israel is a strong friend of Israel's."

A. Barack Obama
B. George W. Bush
C. Dan Quayle
D. Sarah Palin


2) "I've now been in 57 states I think one left to go."

A. Barack Obama
B. George W. Bush
C. Dan Quayle
D. Sarah Palin

3) "On this Memorial Day, as our nation honors its unbroken line of fallen heroes and I see many of them in the audience here today."

A. Barack Obama
B. George W. Bush
C. Dan Quayle
D. Sarah Palin

4) "What they'll say is, 'Well it costs too much money,' but you know what? It would cost, about. It it it would cost about the same as what we would spend. It. Over the course of 10 years it would cost what it would costs us. (nervous laugh) All right. Okay. We're going to. It. It would cost us about the same as it would cost for about hold on one second. I can't hear myself. But I'm glad you're fired up, though. I'm glad."

A. Barack Obama
B. George W. Bush
C. Dan Quayle
D. Sarah Palin

5) "The reforms we seek would bring greater competition, choice, savings and inefficiencies to our health care system."

A. Barack Obama
B. George W. Bush
C. Dan Quayle
D. Sarah Palin

6) "I bowled a 129. It's like - it was like the Special Olympics, or something."

A. Barack Obama
B. George W. Bush
C. Dan Quayle
D. Sarah Palin

7) "Of the many responsibilities granted to a president by our Constitution, few are more serious or more consequential than selecting a Supreme Court justice. The members of our highest court are granted life
tenure, often serving long after the presidents who appointed them. And they are charged with the vital task of applying principles put to paper more than 20 centuries ago to some of the most difficult questions of our time."

A. Barack Obama
B. George W. Bush
C. Dan Quayle
D. Sarah Palin

8) "Everybody knows that it makes no sense that you send a kid to the emergency room for a treatable illness like asthma, they end up taking up a hospital bed, it costs, when, if you, they just gave, you gave them treatment early and they got some treatment, and a, a breathalyzer, or inhalator, not a breathalyzer. I haven't had much sleep in the last 48 hours."

A. Barack Obama
B. George W. Bush
C. Dan Quayle
D. Sarah Palin

9) "It was . interesting to see that political interaction in Europe is not that different from the United States Senate. There's a lot of I don't know what the term is in Austrian wheeling and dealing."

A. Barack Obama
B. George W. Bush
C. Dan Quayle
D. Sarah Palin

10) "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

A. Barack Obama
B. George W. Bush
C. Dan Quayle
D. Sarah Palin

For Answers Scroll on Down.....











I'm sorry. This was a trick quiz. All of the correct answers are the same person. Each of these quotes are from President Barack Obama. And now you know why he brings his teleprompter with him everywhere he goes...even when talking to a 6th grade class!!!

How many of these quotes did you read about or hear from the mainstream media? Do you think the mainstream media might have given more coverage to these statements had they been made by Sarah Palin? Or Dan Quayle? Or George W. Bush?

The leader of the free world was elected because he reads well.

 

Health Care:

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders ask nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The folks at Obama Health Care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

 

A drinking joke to lighten the mood

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a "splat." Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you're a real ******* when you're drunk."

 

Are you a Democrat, Republican or a Southerner?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family...

What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation!?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! ! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.


~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"