Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Hi guys,

If you think it's off the rocker there, then check this out.

In SA a murderer got released on paying a R500 fine, while another person was fined R2000 for not having a tv license. So the joke is if the TV license inspector knock on your door, you shoot him. You save R1500. It's the right thing to do

 

There should be set sentences for specific crimes -- and the law should be a limited set of rules that are comprehensible. As far as circumstances are concerned, that's why we have juries -- and, as our founding fathers envisioned it, fully informed juries.

 

That's the sort of mentality that puts a pothead in prison for twenty years because he had over an ounce in his pocket, right alongside the professional dealer who sells it by the kilo or ton. Or suspends a kid from school for fighting, because he was attacked and defended himself. I don't buy it.

Lawbreakers are not all clones, and the offenses they commit aren't rigidly identical. Why should we try to impose rigidly identical sentences on them? That heads us down the road to just blindly following the rules, without thinking -- the old 'zero tolerance' mentality that gutless bureaucrats use, to avoid responsibility for making decisions.

Juries are there to determine guilt or innocence. It isn't their job to weigh the circumstances and determine what charges are filed, or (in most cases) to levy sentences or fines after a defendant is found guilty.

That's one reason we have judges, you know; they're expected to use a little judgment. Otherwise, we could just replace them all with programs from Microsoft.

And we don't really seat 'fully informed' juries, either. Anyone who does his duty as a citizen by keeping up with the news is presumed to be biased and untrustworthy, and gets booted from the jury pool. As Mark Twain put it:

"When the peremptory challenges were all exhausted, a jury of twelve men was impaneled—a jury who swore they had neither heard, read, talked about nor expressed an opinion concerning a murder which the very cattle in the corrals, the Indians in the sage-brush and the stones in the streets were cognizant of!"

 

A policeman pulled over a pickup truck owner for a faulty tail light. When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card, and a concealed-weapon carry permit.

The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said, "Mr. Smith, I see you have a permit to carry a concealed weapon. Do you have any weapons with you?"

The driver replied, "Yes sir, I have a .357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box, and a .22 derringer in my boot."

The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"

"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12-gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."

The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said, "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?”

Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered, "Not a damn thing!”

 

Dilbert-Like Quotes A special thanks to subscriber Garry J., for many of today’s entries! - - Starting with the following from a “Dilbert Quotes” contest recently held by a magazine. To enter, people were asked to submit actual quotes from real-life Dilbert-like managers. Here are the winners:

'As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.' (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp,)

'What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.' (Lykes Lines Shipping)

'E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.' (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

'This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.' (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

'Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.' (Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

'No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.' (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp)

Quote from the boss: 'Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.' (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, 'That would be better for me.' (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

'We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.' (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)


Golf Tips
As it is the beginning of the golf season here in the Northeast, I thought I’d pass along the following helpful tips and observations…

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

It's not a gimme if you're still five feet away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: How many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.

If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

It's easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than to get up at 10:00 a.m. to mow the lawn.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are.

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).



Hedging His Bets
The priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody."

 

Troy: in my judgement you deserve the maximum sentence for not being funny in the jokes thread.

Masalai: damn it man! In six months time when I am trying to find one of those marvelous quotes I’m going to be searching the “quotes” thread . . .

 

Ancient,
Please be less "judgemental", - Troy may be considered to be the "straight man" who manages to bring out the best in any comedian, - or, - one posing as such with stolen material...

Copy and save the ones you like and save on your desktop... When the time is right, you will have the best at hand, and post them all again, where they belong, in the "Quotes" thread, to reap some acclaim for yourself... Stolen fruit is always sweeter...

 

I thought the quote from Twain was hilarious ... the rest of it was just funny.

 

Found some more cartoons to "borrow and post" - a mixed bag...

 

It's a matter of perspective, I suppose. For example, I don't think mindlessly and endlessly blaming Obama for all the ills of the world is funny; it's just tiresome. As it was when folks were doing the same to Bush....or Clinton, or the elder Bush, etc.

 

True, but non-political jokes are not easy to come by... Long ago I posted quite a few jokes stolen from Indian websites... (Indians seem to rejoice in "ethnic jokes" on themselves...) Some of the jokes from Casey Research seem good to share but many are political (politician bashing in format)... but at least topical and broadly understood?

Boat jokes are very difficult to find...

 

- and it keeps so well too, but only if you remember where you put it.

 

I thought the idea with "stolen fruit" was to eat it immediately, thereby 'destroying the evidence'? and take only what you need NOW..... Tomorrow will see freshly ripened pickings...

 

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

Sorry Bamby,
but that did NOT make me feel good... Why did I not get a 4 week termination from watching others work at a place, where I did not work? - Is it because I do not hang around places where I do not work?