Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Discussion in 'All Things Boats & Boating' started by brian eiland, Oct 29, 2006.

  1. Angélique
    Joined: Feb 2009
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    Location: Belgium ⇄ The Netherlands

    Angélique aka Angel (only by name)

    [​IMG] :D
     
  2. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,604
    Likes: 177, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Sipho and Jonas are both beggars at several highway off-ramps.
    Sipho drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house in Sandton, and has a lot of money to spend.
    Jonas only brings in R20 to R30 a day. Jonas asks Sipho how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of R10 notes every day.
    Sipho says; "Look at your sign, it says, 'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support,' South Africans who see that do not feel as if they accomplish anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family."
    Now look at my sign.
    So Jonas looks and Sipho's sign reads, "I only need another R10 to move back to Zimbabwe."



    Before you ask, Philamon is on vacation :D
     
  3. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,604
    Likes: 177, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Hi Angel,

    He's probably faking it :D
     
  4. Angélique
    Joined: Feb 2009
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    Location: Belgium ⇄ The Netherlands

    Angélique aka Angel (only by name)

    No, this is how he looks after that paddle stroke :D

    Cheers,
    Angel
     
  5. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,604
    Likes: 177, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Hey I didn't know Chuckey could be upgraded !
    Poor fellar...
     
  6. Angélique
    Joined: Feb 2009
    Posts: 3,003
    Likes: 336, Points: 83, Legacy Rep: 1632
    Location: Belgium ⇄ The Netherlands

    Angélique aka Angel (only by name)

    I've changed the link to make that true ;)

    Cheers!
    Angel
     
  7. Pericles
    Joined: Sep 2006
    Posts: 2,015
    Likes: 141, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 1307
    Location: Heights of High Wycombe, not far from River Thames

    Pericles Senior Member

    Stop me if you know it.

    A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

    She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

    "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

    "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

    "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

    "Don't go any further... I know that place.
    Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

    "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

    Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

    "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

    And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million re-modelling project and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They were also overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

    "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

    "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

    Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

    The hairdresser replied: "Oh, really! What did he say ?"









    He said: "Who the ***k did your hair?"
     
  8. Landlubber
    Joined: Jun 2007
    Posts: 2,640
    Likes: 125, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 1802
    Location: Brisbane

    Landlubber Senior Member

    One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married.

    On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole - killing them both instantly.

    The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven.

    The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he'll get back with them on that request.

    A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can - in fact - get married in Heaven.

    To his suprise, the woman asks "Just wondering, if things don't work out will we be able to get a divorce?"

    With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out "Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here... you really think I'm gonna find a lawyer?
     
    2 people like this.
  9. Redtick
    Joined: Jul 2009
    Posts: 21
    Likes: 7, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 82
    Location: usa

    Redtick Junior Member

    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

    MAN: "Hello"

    WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

    MAN: "Yes."

    WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

    MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

    MAN: "How much?"

    WOMAN: "$90,000."

    MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

    WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

    MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

    WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

    MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

    He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"
     
  10. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,604
    Likes: 177, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    This year we're going to experience four unusual dates. 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 and that's not all...Take the last two digits of the year in which you were born -now add the age you will be this year, and the result will be 111 for everyone...!! This is the year of Money..!!! This year October will have 5 Sundays, 5 Mondays and 5 Saturdays. This happens only every 823 years... These particular years are known as 'Moneybags'...



    Haiti disaster -11 Jan, Japan 11 March and you can even go back to the Twin towers on 11 Sept
     
  11. Eric Sponberg
    Joined: Dec 2001
    Posts: 2,021
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    Location: On board Corroboree

    Eric Sponberg Senior Member

    FALSE:

    Check your claims for veracity before posting them. See the following link at www.snopes.com:

    http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/trivia/fivedays.asp
     
  12. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,604
    Likes: 177, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Are you calling me a LIAR :D

    Ok I'm sorry, which birthday of your's did I miss :D

    No need to - that's what engineers like you do... :D

    Thanks...
     
  13. ancient kayaker
    Joined: Aug 2006
    Posts: 3,497
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    Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada

    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

    Big deal. I just looked up the March months olny on my computer calender and found March 2013 and March 2019 are like that.
     
  14. Landlubber
    Joined: Jun 2007
    Posts: 2,640
    Likes: 125, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 1802
    Location: Brisbane

    Landlubber Senior Member

    The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

    Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of the two very different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

    Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

    So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics"......No go.

    Next they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"....thumbs down again. Then came "Minds and Behinds"....still no good. Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".......unacceptable again! So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts".....not a chance. "Nuts and Butts".....no way. "Freaks and Cheeks".....still no good. "Loons and Moons".....forget it.

    Almost at their wits end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Odds and Ends"....... Everyone loved it!
     

  15. Landlubber
    Joined: Jun 2007
    Posts: 2,640
    Likes: 125, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 1802
    Location: Brisbane

    Landlubber Senior Member

    A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

    The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

    The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent ********. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it." The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

    When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses."
     
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