Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Aw, shucks! Thanks. I swiped off the net.

 

This one sure gets around. It is so d___ funny!

 

- to go with his iParrot I assume ...

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pk7yqlTMvp8

 

Superb! Pity they had to spoil it at 47 seconds though ...

 

How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?

- pi

How many particle physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
- particle physicists are used to groping around in the dark so nobody knows ...

How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
- any astronomer worth his salt would have unscrewed the light bulb long ago.

 

Stories from ancient times. Even I don’t remember all of these, may have been before my time and I have my doubts about a few of them. They make good reading though.

There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London , which used to have a gallows adjacent to it. Prisoners were taken to the gallows (after a fair trial of course) to be hung. The horse-drawn dray, carting the prisoner, was accompanied by an armed guard, who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the prisoner if he would like ''one last drink''. If he said yes, it was referred to as “one for the road” and If he declined, that prisoner was “on the wagon” ...

Urine was used to tan animal skins, so families would pee in a pot and then sell it to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were "piss poor", but really poor folk, who couldn't even afford to buy a pot "Didn't have a pot to piss in" ...

Centuries ago most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in May and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then any other men and sons, then the women and children had their turn. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom, where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or ''The Upper Crust''.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of ''Holding a Wake''.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people, so they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realised they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, thread it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus someone could be, ''Saved by the Bell ''or was considered a ''Dead Ringer''

 

I don't think I believe many of those, to tell the truth. But as you said, they're fun reading anyway...

"Saved by the bell" is an obvious reference to boxing matches...

 

http://dentalassistant.net/pictorial-history/

 

Actually I think public executions - in the UK at least - ceased before modern boxing started with the abolition of bare fist fighting and the adoption of the Marquess of Queensberry rules. Before that you fought until you dropped. In which case “saved by the bell” may well predate boxing as we know it.

 

Saved by the bell
Meaning

Saved by a last minute intervention.
Origin

This is boxing slang that came into being in the latter half of the 19th century. A boxer who is in danger of losing a bout can be 'saved' from defeat by the bell that marks the end of a round. The earliest reference to this that I can find is in the Massachusetts newspaper The Fitchburg Daily Sentinel, February 1893:

"Martin Flaherty defeated Bobby Burns in 32 rounds by a complete knockout. Half a dozen times Flaherty was saved by the bell in the earlier rounds."

There is a widespread notion that the phrase is from the 17th century and that it describes people being saved from being buried alive by using a coffin with a bell attached. The idea being that, if they were buried but later revived, they could ring the bell and be saved from an unpleasant death....

http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/saved-by-the-bell.html

As a matter of fact, Snopes.com goes through this particular email item by item, and debunks almost everything in it.

http://www.snopes.com/language/phrases/1500.asp

 

One for the wiemen -
There is no reason to fear menopause, it's the eggs that expire, not the hen.

 

I'm sure they'll like that.

 

I thought that was the origin of the term "dead ringer".

but alas, I don't care enough to go look it up

 

The dog ate my homework.
Well, when you are right, you're right.