Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

I'd make a special trip to hunt him down....

 

So you just play chess for the Halibut!

 

There's only one thing worse than inviting 2 boat enthusiasts to a pool party; that's inviting 2 chess nuts to a roast!

 

Well, we're off to an interesting start. Mark seems to have a freewheeling style, and I'm not exactly playing by the book either. Looks like both games are going to be a lot of fun....

1. e4 e5 2. Nf3 Nc6 3. d3 Bb4+ 4. c3 Ba5 5. Be2 ...


1. d3 e5 2. Nf3 d6 3. h3 Nf6 4. Nc3 Nc6 5. Bg5 Be7


edit: we'd probably be further along, but I misplaced my keys at work last night. Spent a ridiculous amount of time looking for them; I can't imagine how a key ring that big can manage to hide. I have a spare key for my pickup; no problem there. I also have a spare set for my motor home -- but I had no spare key for the gate to the yard where I have it parked. Had to go buy a new padlock, and cut the old one off before I could even get to a cold beer. Life's tough.....

Mark, if you were hoping to get through a couple more moves this morning before taking off for work or whatever, I apologize.

 

Think I'll start a chess thread, and move the match out of the Boat Jokes thread.

 

"There's only one thing worse than inviting 2 boat enthusiasts to a pool party; that's inviting 2 chess nuts to a roast!"

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

I'll make this clear - I am not a chess nut. I have been accused of being a geek, even a chess geek, but that has only been by girls (they love it here when men have an interest in something other than engines, guns, and boats so I must say that the "geekiness" has, perhaps, been played up a time or two!) I simply tried to trap Troy in some games of blitz, at which I am proficient. Troy will likely beat me at the untimed games we play, tho I will throw some unconvention at him and give it my all (That's a secret to blitz, BTW, to throw something strange out there, AS LONG AS YOU HAVE A PLAN, to cause your opponent to use time.)

Hoyt should be digging the corny jokes I'm throwin' out.

 

Chess?! interesting, thou far too much thinking for me - and then I usually like to think about things... My favourite is the paw, but they're not as expendable as I'd like...

 

I think you mean "prawn" as in "throw another pawn on the BBQ, mate".

 

Some oldies but goldies to make you smile:
++

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd take it."


A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."


"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr



"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow


"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).


"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas


"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved." - Mark Twain


"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde


"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.


"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop


"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright


"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial" - Irvin S. Cobb


"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson


"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating


"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand


"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker


"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain


"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West


"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde


"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)


"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder


"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

 

"If you could buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth you could retire on the transaction"

Someone whom I'm too lazy to look up

 

Mud crab and sand crab were being amerous when caught up in a net. Both arrived at the pearly gates but only mud crab was allowed in while sand crab was sent to hell. Months went by and mud crab had been so good St Peter granted her wish to go down to hell to see if mud crab had repented. When she got there sand crab had a huge disco going and realy enjoying himself so mud crab joined in. Upon returning to Heaven St Peter was realy cross, look at you all disheveled, both wings singed, bleary eyed and no harp, Just where is your harp? and mud crab replied I left my harp in sand crabs disco.

 

Another exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: (from memory, So I might be off a word...)

Astor: "Sir, you're drunk"
Churchill: "Yes I may be drunk, but you're ugly, and tomorrow I will wake up sober"

 

Not Lady Astor in this instance, she was Bessie Braddock MP, who was not easy on the eye!

 

Was it Churchill who said, "proficiency in billiards is evidence of a misspent youth"?

 

Ah, thanks for clarifying.

EDIT: haha, thought this was the quotes thread. moves my quotes.