Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Rudyard Kipling once read in the newspaper that he was dead. He wrote a letter to the newspaper: "I've just read that I am dead. Don't forget to delete me from your list of subscribers."

 

I think it was Mark Twain who wrote to a newspaper that had published his obituary, "reports of my death are greatly exaggerated."

 

Nice dictionary Richard..!!

I've not read it all yet, I'll do it in stages . . . . Tanks . .

Yes can, but hit the railing too . .

. . . but most goes over . . ​

Well, for many men its the last thing they do after drinking and before drowning..!!

They are often found dead in the water (if found at all) with zip open and alcohol in the blood . . .


But if you do, better . . View attachment 49697 . . practice young . . .

Cheers
Angel


PS - left handed boy

 

If WW1 were a bar fight:

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria’s pint.

Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg.

Germany expresses its support for Austria’s point of view.

Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.

Serbia points out that it can’t afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria’s trousers.

Russia and Serbia look at Austria.

Austria asks Serbia who it’s looking at.

Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.

Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene.

Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action.

Britain and France ask Germany whether it’s looking at Belgium.

Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.

France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.

Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it’s on Britain’s side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it.

France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.

America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany’s fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

 

Haha!

 

Wow! We did win the war, though.

 

Wait a minute - France punched somebody?

 

More that the US did, by far, but they had exhausted their military by after the first three years, then Britain stood for most of the punching. Germany surrendered because of the naval blockade starving them out and then because the US would tip the balance, once they got their army going. Just after Germany defeated Russia, Germany had a slight superiority on the western front. Their offensive was enormously successful, but was countered by the Brits slamming their tanks in it's path.

 

Keep in mind that because France refused to join the invasion of Iraq, some people here routinely make her the butt of jokes about military ineptness or lack of resolve.... when I was growing up, it was the Italians the joke were told about.

Personally, I see no reason why France should have joined us in attacking Saddam Hussein; there was nothing in it for her. Her foreign policy is quite rightly based on what she considers her best interests, not ours.

One of my brothers was stationed in Europe while he was in the Army, and had nothing but respect for the French soldiers he encountered.

 

- ah, yes, a hi-tech weapon that, for the time. Technology continued to improve, and according to Monty Python the winning of the WW II went like this -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gpjk_MaCGM

 

Piece broke out !

Was it Desmund Tutu who said -
We want piece !
We demand piece !
The whole piece ! (referring to SA land of course)

 

No, the picture was just mirrored

 

Leo, I printed this out and sent it to my son, who's in Army boot camp. Being a hard-core gamer and now a soldier too, he should enjoy it.

 

He might like this one then:

The world of virtuality is fun, but can be quite exhausting at times. At
breakfast this morning I ate a few cornflakes to increase my energy level, and
then, on the basis that you should collect as many objects as possible in case
they come useful later, stuffed the remains into my briefcase, together with a
spoon, sugar bowl and some milk.
There was a knock at the front door, but because I'd already done the
hall this morning I took a detour through the garden. I couldn't imagine what
use I'd have for the gnomes, but I collected them anyway. When I got round to
the front door I had to make a decision whether to talk to the postman or poke
the postman. Poke seemed funnier, but turned out to be the wrong move. I
offered the gnome to the postman, but that didn't go down too well either. Take
postman? Postman cannot be taken. Postman has stormed off in a huff.
On the way to work it started to rain but I didn't seem to have an
umbrella among my possessions. Use sugar bowl on head! Obvious, really. It also
seemed wise to offer the gnome and cornflakes to everyone I passed, but they
kept their distance, so I guess they were just part of the scenery and not
proper characters at all.

I've watched you all come to work with sugar bowls on heads, gnomes and
cornflakes in hand, so I know you've played this game. So what I wanted to know
is, when you get to the bit after the police have been called, just after you
use secretary's tights with head, and take payroll from security man, is there
any other way out other than on to the 10th floor ledge? There's a crowd
gathering below, I can't go back in without being arrested, and the caretaker's
sandwiches didn't give me the extra leaping power I need to reach the ledge
above. The only way is down. Should I jump? Will the telephone directory serve
as a parachute? Do you know any cheats? Please help. Things are getting
desperate and I forgot to save my game....


He might not be as amused by the following. However, he should be able to appreciate that
(because it was in a pizza-drivers group) it was probably written by a Liberal Arts major.


Subject: Re: Pizza drivers in Iraq
Newsgroups: alt.pizza.delivery.drivers
IRAQ: Hello?
US: We demand pizza.
IRAQ: OK, where should we send it to?
US: It's too late for negotiations.
IRAQ: Please, where should we send the pizza?
US: You're trying to distract us. The real issue here is pizza.
IRAQ: Okay...
US: We demand unconditional delivery of pizza. No payment or anything.
IRAQ: Hey, if we're sending pizza we better get paid for it...
US: This is duplicity. We won't be misled by you. You have had enough
opportunities to send pizza.
IRAQ: That's the way it works. You get pizza, we get money.
US: We oppose linkage of pizza and money.
IRAQ: Let's negotiate about this. I'm sure you'll get pizza soon.
US: We need pizza within 30 seconds or we'll bomb you.
IRAQ: Do you even want pizza?
US: The time for negotiations is past.
IRAQ: We can't send pizza if we're not going to get paid and we don't
even have somewhere to send this.
US: Our position is clear: send us pizza or be destroyed.
IRAQ: But-!
US: NO NEGOTIATIONS! YOU AREN'T GOING TO SEND PIZZA, ARE YOU?? THE
ENTIRE INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY DEMANDS PIZZA!
IRAQ: Oh, great.
US: WE'VE GIVEN YOU AN ARBITRARILY LARGE NUMBER OF CHANCES, BUT YOU
JUST WON'T SEND PIZZA! IT'S TIME FOR WAR!!!
IRAQ: Fine, fine!! We have pizza! We'll send pizza!
US: It's too late for that.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTUY16CkS-k&feature=player_embedded