Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

good girls need to be spanked too

 

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a
large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.


If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back.

He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
‘Honey’, she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today’.
‘Oh, really? Let me see…’, he said.
The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Two with meatballs, one without.
Send extra sauce.’
__________________

 

On the day of the her wedding, Sophie was getting dressed surrounded by her family when she suddenly realized she had forgotten to purchase shoes for the day. She panicked.

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day.
Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were in agony.
When she and her new husband withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the husband's family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they roughly heard what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually they heard him say, "God, that was tight."
"There," his mother whispered, "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they heard him say. "Right. Now for the other one," followed by more grunting and straining, and at last he said "My God. That was even tighter."
"That's my boy," said his father. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

 

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2010/10/barbara-boxer-david-zucker-.html

 

Two guys unexpectedly came face to face with a lion in the bush. While the
three were starring at each other in the moment of surprise the one guy slowly
bent down and started tying his shoe laces.
Wat are you doing, do you think you can run outrun the lion the other asks
No I don't, I just need to run faster than you... !

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8I5KmlXCLIk

 

Great logic! The lion needs to catch only one.

 

what about desert?

 

Question: What is 1+1?

Mathematician: 1+1=2

Classical Physicist: 1+1=2

Quantum physicist: In most circumstances 1+1=2, but with quantum uncertainty there are situations where another answer is possible.

Psychologist: Yes, 1+1=2, how do you feel about that? Does it bring up issues for you?

Naval Architect: There's not enough information to answer the question until you complete a full SOR

 

Only if the other one is sweet and young.

 

Computer engineer: 1 + 1 = 10
Geneticist: 1 + 1 = either 1 or the other 1
Shopper: here dear, carry both bags, it will help you balance
Rabbits and boats: 1 + 1 = lots *

* "boats are like rabbits: you can have one or many but you can't have two" - attributed to Aristotle Onassis

 

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you

 

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one every day.

 

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.

 

A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free