Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

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City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name: _______________________
Gang: _______________________

1. Dwayne has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?

6. ***** is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money?

7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked u

 

Love Making Poem

Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?"

Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."

Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.

"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it!.

It goes like this: "Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue. I love waking up and making love to you!"

Tyrone said, "Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental." But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife. The next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell, bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works!!

Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"

Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem."

"Well, what poem did you tell her?"

Tyrone said: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog. If I could roll your fat *** over, I'd hump you like a dog!"

 

during ww1 a french, english and an american general were discussing their armies and bragging about the bravery of their troops

the french general ordered a french private to charge the german line, the french private snapped a salute, grabbed his rifel and charged and was immediately gunned down

the english general ordered an english private to charge a german field gun bare handed, when he did he was immediately blown to bits

the english general said "now that's bravery"

the american general the told the other two , that's nothing then told an american private to charge the germans

the american private after seeing what had happened to the first 2 told the general to go screw his self

said the american general, " gentleman , that's real bravery

 

yeahh......

 

A Scottish general, standing close by, observed all that. Then he turned to one of his troopers and ordered him to charge the germans.
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"Hoo much d'ye wan' I should charrrge 'em" he asked.

 

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.

There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbour's. Clyde Moore

Will - Why do you water your lawn with whisky?
Guy - So that it comes up half-cut.

My neighbour Bill asked if he could use my lawnmower. I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

What do you call someone who used to like tractors?
An extractor fan.

What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"

 

The Rabbi Lawn Mower Joke
A rabbi retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. The rabbi asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind
the house.

The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The rabbi increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.

Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the rabbi pulling on the engine starter rope.

The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"

The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"

The kid said, "Yep."

"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the rabbi yelled.

The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."

The rabbi rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a rabbi and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."

With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Rabbi, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."

 

A Cowboy's Guide To A Happy Life
1. Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
2. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
3. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
4. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
5. Never ask a man the size of his spread.
6. If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
7. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
8. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. Always drink upstream from the herd.
11. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they already learned that lesson.
12. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
13. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

 

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...then the English, French, Scottish and American generals asked a Italian to do as they did.....
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"we first have to become their allies" the Italian replied.

 

And then this happened...: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCTAItElhCQ

 

Disclaimer: All jokes on this thread may be told on board a vessel, no, a boat.

 

No no Hoyt!

That cheap trick, palming off the members here with your dirty jokes, does not function.

It has to be a boat! Not a vessel...................

 

Agreed: there are many jokes here I will not tell on my next cruise!

 

yea, some are pretty lame