Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

The bartender then noticed Einstein was there. So he asked him if he could believe what had happened. Einstein replied, "It's all relative."

 

Then the bartender noticed that Carl Sagan was there. He walked over to him and asked, "Can you believe that all these famous people are here in THIS bar?" Sagan replied, "No. Why there must be BILLIONS and BILLIONS of bars out there."

 

oh ... ok lol never mind

 

OK, an actual boat joke!

Did you know that Rene Descartes met the Hunchback of Notre Dame?

They were both visiting Paris, and met on a ferry crossing the famous river. Somehow Quasimodo fell overboard. He disappeared under the water because of the weight of handbells he was carrying on his belt.

As Descartes began a rescue, he shouted, "Quasimodo, I see where you are," and plopped on his coordinates.

He found Quasimodo was already headed toward shore. He seemed to be running across the bottom, but then Descartes saw he was dancing!
Descartes signed to him: "What are you doing that for?" Quasimodo signed back, "Save yourself! I'm happy. I'm just Ringing In The Seine!!"

So Rene reached the shore by bobbing up and down. An onlooker asked, "How did you do that?"
"I'm a Cartesian diver," replied Descartes. "I realize, 'I sink.' Therefore I swam."
---- This story pasted together by Ian Ellis.

 

Thanks to Ian Ellis, whoever you are.

 

I think, therefore I am confused

 

thats my new moto .....

 

They call it "PMS" because
"Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

 

"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP.
Park elsewhere!"

 

Newton walks into a bar.

The bartender walks up to him and says, “Would you care for a drink?”

Newton replied, “You don't understand the gravity of the situation”

 

The bartender then said " You need to lighten up"

 

Schrodinger walks into a bar.

The bartender walks up to him and says, “Would you care for a drink?”

Schrodinger replied, “have you seen my cat?”

 

A psychoanalyst is seeing a long term client for their last session. They meet, and the client explains to him that she has made arrangements to move to Chicago and begin a new life.

"That's wonderful!" he exclaims. "When we started your therapy ten years ago you were certain that the world was against you, it was a conspiracy, you had nowhere to turn -- and now you're venturing out and exploring the world. We've made great progress." They exchange pleasantries, and she departs.

The analyst then dials the phone. "Glenda ... she's gone. Call off New York, set up Chicago."

 

"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"

"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."

 

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I tink it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me Paddy."

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of der bowl yet".


Paddy shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "dis is her husband!"


An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't youse put an advert in der paper?"

He does but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did youse put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy!" he replies.



Paddy's in jail. Prison Officer looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"What the feck you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck,"

"I know dat," says Paddy "but I couldn't feckin breathe".