Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

It's hard to make a joke out of that many Gold medals, but give me a little more time; it's the Canadian thing to do! What were we thinking? Sorry! Eh!

(assumes you watiched the closing ceremony)

 

Irish virginity test

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit: a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see,' you hit her with the shovel."

 

An Audio Joke --

LINK ...

 

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.


"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave STD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."


Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."


Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE.

 

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off.


Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon.


The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours."


So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub."


Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts.


A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off.


Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon.


The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours."


Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field."


Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.


A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off.


Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon.


The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours."


So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died."


Sam said, "I understand - heads are tough."


The surgeon said, "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"

 

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


He who laughs last, thinks slowest.


Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.


Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.


The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.


If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog


The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.


Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.


The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.


A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

 

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV and said to his wife,

"Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said,

"Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said,

"Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top.

"You *******! You waltz in here, flop your fat *** down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long??"

The husband sighed.

"Oh crap, it's started."

 

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.


The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.


He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.


A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.


The old farmer said he had buried them.


The sheriff asked the old farmer, 'Were they all dead?'


The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said they wasn't, but you know how they always lie.

 

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide.


On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles.


"We’re lost!" One of the hikers complained.


"And you said you were the best guide in the United States."


"I am," the guide answered, "but I think we may have wandered into Canada."

 

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."


The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."


They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."


The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"


Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."


The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"


Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"


A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked,
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."


Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."


The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"


Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."


Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.


They're overseeing the Bailout Program.

 

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.”

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to “Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.

Next, they tried “Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!

So they tried “Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?" No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?"Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends

Everyone loved it.

 

Three buddies were out to a nice dinner with their wives and by this point were enjoying the after-meal coffee. The first guy looked at his wife and said, "Pass me the sugar, Sugar."


The second guy, not to be out-done, thought for a few moments and said to his wife, "Pass me the honey, Honey."


The third guy, not as sharp as the other two, thought,


"Man, they do this to me all the time. Well, they're not going to get away with it. Think, think.... think. Ah-ha! I have it!!"


He looked at his wife and said, "Pass me the tea, Bag."


And that's how the fight got started...

 

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

 

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patient to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see Accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."


The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."


The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything in side them is in alphabetical order."


The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC , shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable."

 

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."


Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."


Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."


Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."


Cabbie: "There's more ... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."


Passeng er: "Wow, some guy then."


Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."


Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"


Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died ... I'm married to his widow, and I hear how great he was all the time!"