Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

One day when he was really old, Uncle Joe shared some of his life's story with me. He was a heavy drinker in his youth. Then he met the love of his life. Unfortunately Aunt Maude lived by the motto "lips that have touched drink shall never touch mine."




I always wondered why he drank through a straw.

 

I went to the Home Depot recently
while not being altogether sure
that course of action was a wise one.
You see,
the previous evening
I had prepared and consumed
a massive quantity
of my patented
"you're definitely
going to s**t yourself
roadkill chili."
Tasty stuff,
albeit hot to the point
of being painful,
which comes with a written guarantee
from me that if you eat it,
the next day both
of your butt cheeks
WILL fall off.
Here's the thing.
I had awakened that morning,
and even after two cups of coffee
(and all of you know what I mean)
nothing happened..
No 'Watson's Movement 2'.
Despite habanera peppers
swimming their way
through my intestinal tract,
I was unable to create
the usual morning symphony
referred to by my dear wife
as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time
of reckoning
HAD to come,
yet not sure of just when,
I bravely set off
for the Home Depot,
my quest being paint
and supplies to refinish the den.
Upon entering the store
at first all seemed normal.
I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.
It wasn't until I was at
the opposite end of the store
from the restrooms
that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me
like you don't know
what I'm talking about.
I'm referring to that
'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain
that always seems
to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing is,
this pain was different.
The habaneros in the chili
from the night before
were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom
they bullied their way through
the small intestines,
forcing their way
into the large intestines,
and before I could take one step
in the direction of the restrooms
which would bring sweet relief,
it happened.
The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood,
alone in the paint and stain section,
suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud
the likes of which has never before
been recorded.
I was afraid to move
for fear that more
of this vile odor
might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly,
the pressure seemed to leave
the lower part of my body,
and I began to move
up the aisle and out of it,
just as a red aproned clerk
turned the corner
and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it,
but I stopped to see
what his reaction would be
to the malodorous effluvium
that refused to dissipate.
Have you ever been
torn in two different directions
emotionally?
Here's what I mean,
and I'm sure some of you
at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk,
but didn't.
I simply watched
as he walked into
an invisible,
and apparently indestructible,
wall of odor so terrible
that all he could do
before gathering his senses
and running,
was to stand there blinking
and waving his arms
about his head
as though trying to ward
off angry bees.
This, of course,
made me feel terrible,
but then made me laugh....
.......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing.
When you laugh,
it's hard to keep things
'clamped down',
if you know what I mean.
With each new guffaw
an explosive issue burst forth
from my nether region.
Some were so loud and echoing
that I was later told
a few folks in other aisles
had ducked,
fearing that someone
was robbing the store
and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny.
'It' was coming,
and I raced off
through the store
towards the restrooms,
laying down a cloud
the whole way,
praying that I'd make it
before the grand mal assplosion
took place.
Luck was on my side.
Just in the nick of time
I got to the john,
began the inevitable
'Oh my God',
floating above the toilet seat
because my *** is burning
SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in
while I was in the middle
of what is the true meaning
of 'Shock and Awe'.
He made a gagging sound,
and disgustedly said,
'Sonofabitch!,
did it smell that bad
when you ate it?',
then quickly left.
Once finished, I left the restroom,
reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on
with my shopping
when a store employee
approached me and said,
'Sir, you might want to step outside
for a few minutes.
It appears some prankster
set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans
on high for a minute or two
which ought to take care
of the problem.'
My smirking of course
set me off again,
causing residual gases
to escape me.
The employee took one sniff,
jumped back
pulling his shirt up
to cover his nose
and, pointing at me
in an accusing manner
shouted, 'IT'S YOU!',
then ran off returning moments later
with the manager.
I was unceremoniously escorted
from the premises
and asked none too kindly
not to return.
Home again without my supplies,
I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili,
so I consumed two more bowls...
The next day
I went to shop at Lowe's.
I can't say anymore about that
because we are in court
over the whole matter.

 

Hilarious.... one of the best.

 

Hubby says to wife "Do you fancy playing the **** game?"

Wife says "No!"

Hubby says "Thats the spirit!"

 

Mark, Good grief!
I almost fell out of my chair.
I laughed so hard it was like somebody had rubbed habaneros in my eyes.
The tears are still coming I'm laughing so hard.
I am too old for this.
I almost died. :')

 

Another Magnificent Mark Moment

Far far away in another galaxy, my company of that far off time had been spending vast amounts of research on what was soon seen to be an ill-conceived project. In a desperate attempt to find a use for the thing, a gathering of top technical people was convened while the development team attempted to justify the millions over a hastily prepared slide show.

At the end the chief of research invited comments from the listeners.

I had been leaning back on my pivoting boardroom armchair, feet comfortably propped on the mahogany table and at this precise moment I felt the preliminary signs of what will surely become known as a "Mark Moment" ...

I quickly dropped my feet to the floor but to no avail and the inevitable response thundered forth with perfect timing, amplified by several decibels by the drum-tight leather seat. The acoustics of the boardroom were, of course, superb.

The chief of research rose to the occasion effortlessly, noting that it had somehow hit the tone of the meeting and mildly enquiring if there were any other inputs. Of course, there were none.

I understand that from that date on, important meetings were better coordinated with the canteen menu.

 

"any other inputs?" - I'm cryin'!

 

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's heavy'.

 

Okay, it was funny, but I'm not laughing.







I already finished.

 

Beers On Friday - Crew Stories

Hello...
Bit of a mish mash - beers on Friday - crew stories - most likely will not make any sense - I found it all funny...
Fish crew gets all pissed up after working the boat and laying her up - Skipper goes to the rail and pukes up - and drops his teeth into the river - runs about the deck for a diver - diver says F'ck that - no you got to go home and get your gear says the Skip' - diver goes home - comes back - suits up and goes over - finds three grand worth of tools in the silt - but no teeth...
Diver goes back home and gets an old set of his Grandfathers teeth and presents them to the boat skipper...
Boat skipper says great - but seems that the salt water effects them a bit...
Beers on Friday - always good stuff...
SH.

 

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up
And says, "Mummy mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..
Yanks open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten *****', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

 

A brunette goes to the doctor. "doctor," she says, "it hurts everywhere I touch myself. It hurts when I touch my face or nose, it hurts when I touch my belly, it even hurts when I touch my elbow."

The doctor examines her and asks, "did you used to be blonde?"

"Yes; why?"

"Your finger's broken."

 

Extract from the New Feminist Bible For The 21st Century:

Genesis 1:26
And when God came to make Man, She decided to incorporate some new features. These did not turn out so well and were omitted on Model II. Models I and II were both placed into the Garden of Eden for evaluation by the Serpent, who discovered a few remaining bugs, and they were rejected. Testing of Model III has been placed on hold due to the number of recalls of Models I and II.

 

Extract from "Social Science Textbook 101" -

"when 2 men have a problem they butt heads to see who has to fix it. When 2 women have a problem they tell the nearest man to fix it."