Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

A woman who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

GOD BLESS AMERICA

 

Beware of older men - they only get wiser!

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday..
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her
way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning
question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her
the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young
there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of
her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?

'I promise I won't' she says.





'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

 

What is a CIRCUIT ?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Electricity originates inside clouds.

There it forms into lightning, which is attracted to the earth by golfers.

After entering the ground, the electricity hardens to coal,

which, when dug up by power companies and burned in big ovens called 'generators',

turns back into electricity.....

where it is transformed by TV sets into commercials for BEER,

which passes throught the consumers and back into the ground,

thus completing which is know as a "CIRCUIT".

 

That was a short circuit.

 

Very funny stuff Bamby.
There are no groundhogs in Alaska.
Takin' a drive in the high country with my daughters up kinda near Palmer/Wasilla, we strayed upon this marmot. Having never seen one before, we stopped and took some pics. He got a little nervous at my daughter's trying to feed him and skittered down onto a rock shoulder on the lower switchback. Trying to get him to turn and pose for one last pic, I tossed a pebble near him and he hunkered down as low as he could get on the highest ground around! He sat absolutely still for maybe five minutes. What an odd creature!

Marmot country.


This guy was lookin' to get a brown bear butt-kickin'






This one woud be afraid of his shadow!




Remains of an old gold mine up in the clouds


Lookin' for marmot shadows

Hoyt, I think I'll use the "marmot up" line...and the kids will roll their eyes!

 

Mark, there is no pun too lame for me to use.

 

QUALIFICATIONS

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States . It was pretty simple, the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
Yep, these are the same 18-year-olds that just elected the new President of the United States . Now we know!

And don't forget, "They walk among us & Voted !"

 

C section ? How about those that got licked out by age 12 because of malicious activities then persue their criminal carreer. IQ about 65. Uses anything from glue to whatever else they can get. Any activities are justified day or night.

How many are you after. Comes with voting rights.

 

Read it more carefully, Fanie. It is funny, in a "blond" joke kind of way. I do get your point, however.

 

Bought a packet of bird seed yesterday. The label said "Attracts Great ****". I'm still waiting....

 

HORROR MOVIE SURVIVAL GUIDE

* When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see
if it’s really dead.

* If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once
a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who
went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had
inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house move away
immediately.

* Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

* Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

* If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which
they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is
other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of
grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to
kill them, so be prepared.

* When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it
alone.

* As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

* Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave,
tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

* If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out
that it’s just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your
life.*

* If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

* Do not take *anything* from the dead.

* If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason.
Take the hint and stay away.

* Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know
what you are doing.

* If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at
least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that,
despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely
shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

* If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior
such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing
hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

* Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are
listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you
if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in
Maine.

* If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby
deserted-looking house to phone for help.

* Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns,
hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane
torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased
companions.

* Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience,
since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to
be.

 

Oh gosh! What a relief. I was really starting to worry about the neghbour in the long black hoodie with the scythe.

 

Why Women Lie ........................Men you know !!!!

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.


'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy..


Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.

'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

 

Just got a text from my brother

"Just driving my new Toyota Prius, chat later - can't stop"

 

"As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell" - But sometimes it is not readily apparent which threads will be these portals!