Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

thuckering thokotath:!: - -

 

Posted before...

Hello...
Real conversation - real names - from the shop...
Su, Sok , his bother Loeng - real fast - you hire now...
SH.

 

"Wot went wong when willy wonker wanked - well he went wery wild" Elmer Fudd...

Is this grounds for divorce:?:
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”
The driver: “Sorry, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating ?”

Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says: “Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?”

The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.”

The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt.”

As the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?”

The wife smiles and says, “Only when he's been drinking.”

 

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1137883380?bctid=17075685001 best video in ages.... watch carefully - sheep being moved by men and dogs.... English sheep, it seems are endowed with more intelligence than most USAnians

 

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.

He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.

To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.





HIS DIARY

My Snowmobile wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

 

Did the rooster appreciate it?

 

That depends entirely upon which Usanians you reference. But I admit. Most Usanians did put O'Bummer in the Whitehouse. I was in the lesser group which was horrified that he won.

 

I was horrified when Dubya won! Still he was the only president who ever lived up to my expectations.

 

You guys that think you know everything make us that knows everything very pissed off !

 

I voted for W twice and got paartial satisfaction. Not everything he did(or didn't do) made me happy. I am not a globalist, but a nationalist, so we part company on those related issues.

 

Well, I suppose It could be said about Dubya that.... no I will not say it

Is there anyone else who can claim that everything he touched he f%#*ed? - - apart from Bill - but he didn't...

 

Yeah, Bi double hockey sticks gave yp the saxophone so he could play the horMonica.

 

The Take it Off Diet

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days,the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your *** is mine."





















He lost 63 pounds that week.

 

A Fishermens Ditty -

I ad' me a wife and bedlam i ad'
for we was poorly mated ,
I hit her a great clout one night
an now we separated ,
I meets her on my ways to work
each mornin on the quay ,
hello to her says i to she
and to hell with you says she .

A bus driver is enjoying fishing from a charter boat on a very expensive holiday and gets talking to a lawyer who is also fishing .
The driver asks the lawyer how he can afford such an expensive holiday and the lawyer replies that he has just had an insurance pay out because his house burnt down , my god says the bus driver thats a coincidence , the same thing happened to me only my house was washed away in flash floods so i'm just enjoying the payout a little before i start to rebuild .
Both relapse into silence and continue fishing for a while until the lawyer unable to contain his curiousity asks "how did you start a flood" ?

 

How do they separate the men from the boys in the Greek Navy?
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With a crowbar