Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

You just Can't make This Stuff Up:

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half
dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager
at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or
twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I
can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six
McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and
the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked
up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and
placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan
it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much
this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll
buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what
she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they
kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy'
(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do
you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have
replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get
into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience
store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I don't know. Do
you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,'
she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key
and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over
there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day
she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of
typing paper. 'What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier',
the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining
blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make
five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs
to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be
fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer.......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

 

And could I dedicate these to Sean in his hour of darkness re his divorce... I know it's the joke thread but WTF... Cheer up !


In a divorce court a woman requested the judge:
"Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why?" asked the judge.
She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know?"
She replied, >"My lord, not a single child resembles him."

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after
I die I want you to marry Samy."
"Samy! But he is your enemy!"
"Yes, I know that! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now.


At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger? "
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."


"Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be
home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms... " Why, Dad ? Tell me why!"
Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said,
"Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax.


A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first
married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my
slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs
around barking."

"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting
the same service!"


One woman told another : "My neighbor is always speaking ill of her
husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but
have I ever said anything bad about him ?


A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door
and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her
everytime they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to." Replied the
husband. "But I don't know her well enough...


A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home
late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the
neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock
in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that
cured him. "Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbor said,
"You see, his name is Bill."


"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He
replied, "I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's
wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.

 

The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.



Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.



When I went into the E. R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.



Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works at DMV and the Laundromat.

Don't try it at McDonald's. The whole crew will exit and you'll never get your order.

 

BEER, FISHING, SEX &GOLF:

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up sex, beer, fishing and golf,

 

An angler is a man who spends rainy days sitting around on the muddy banks of rivers doing nothing because his wife won't let him do it at home.

Calling fishing a hobby is like calling brain surgery a job.

...of all the liars among mankind, the fisherman is the most trustworthy.


Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an ********, make him a sandwich.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America , but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration....

Life is like a jar of HOT peri peri sauce..... so be careful with it, cos what you do today, might burn your *** tomorrow!

 

On the farm lived a chicken and a donkey, both of whom loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing when the donkey fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee hawed' for the chicken to go and get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z - 4 series BMW.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken started the beautiful motor car (This is one clever chicken.) and the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, he managed to get hold of the loop of the rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the donkey!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, would you believe, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out for the donkey to save his life!
The donkey thought for a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his"thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the donkey pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
"
"
"
"
"
"
When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.!

 

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past October, and ABSA billed her for November and December for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been R0.00, now is somewhere around R500.00. A family member placed a call to ABSA.

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in October."
ABSA: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
ABSA: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been.
Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
ABSA: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
ABSA: "Excuse m e?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
ABSA: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."


Supervisor gets on the phone:


Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in October."
ABSA: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
ABSA: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
ABSA: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)


After they get the fax:

ABSA: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
ABSA: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
ABSA: "That might help."
Family Member: "Avalon Cemetery, Chiawelo, Plot Number B9075769."
ABSA: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: What do you do with dead people on your planet?!"

 

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail.

I'd
say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

I'd say you must be either a Team Leader, Supervisor or possibly someone in Senior Management."

 

Let's have a chuckle at the following questions and answers, which were collected from last year's GCSE exam results in Swindon, Wiltshire.

They are genuine responses (from 16 year olds)!
Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g . abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section.'
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English

Q: Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head.

 

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered
that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged
for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the
gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: 'Remus Rodham;
horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1883, escaped 1887, robbed the
Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted, and
hanged in 1889.'

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments.
Hillary's staff sent back the following biographical sketch:

"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His
business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets
and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883,
he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility,
finally taking leave in 1887 to resume his dealings with the railroad.
Subsequently, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the
renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during
an important civic function held in his honor, when the platform on which
he was standing collapsed.'

And that is how it's done, folks!

 

Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE RAISE!

 

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at
the Man "****! That must be my husband!"

So the guy quickly got out of bed scared and naked he jumped out the
Window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, went through
A thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.

Just a few minutes later he returned and screams at the woman "I'm
your Husband, you SL#T!"

The woman yelled back, "Yeah? Why were you running? You son of a
#itch!"

 

Oh geezzz, seems the moment I post a couple of jokes it scares every one away.

Should I stop putting these up ???

 

Whats up looser?

Do´nt touch the red button, thats the switch of the centrifuiiiiiiiii.......

Now hit it with the hammer, right where I point with my nose.

That rope is safe, hundreds of climbers used it before.

What do you mean, a hold - up?

And I guess: 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?' could have been in this list too!

 

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