Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

A retired sergeant was asked: "Well, how do you like civilian life?"
"Terrible," he said gruffly, "all those people around and nobody in charge

 

During an army basic training, the lieutenant took the batch on a match and asked each of them where home was. After everyone had answered, he sneered and said "you are all wrong, the army is now your home".
Back at the barracks, he read the evening duties, then asked the first sergeant if he had anything to say "you bet I do" the sergeant replied, "men, while you were gone today, I found beds improperly made, clothes not hanging correctly, shoes not shined and footlockers a mess. Where do you think you are? Home ?

 

Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go." "Good idea," she says. "While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine." The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk, "I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please." "Yes sir, says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"

 

A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced." Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."

 

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

 

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.Please advise?" The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!

 

Know one difference between God and Obama?
Liberals love Obama.
Know one similarity between God and Obama?
God doesn't have a birth certificate, either.

 

Know another difference between God and Obama?
God doesn't think he's Obama.

 

Mrs. hoytedow liked that one.

 

You're referring to post no 2886 of course eh


It actually goes like this -

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde said she is lonely and wisher her two friens was back here with her,
just like before

 

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised

 

Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O'Malley of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"Knowing Brian O'Malley as well as I did, I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."

 

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't
dance with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look
fat in those pants."

 

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one gulp.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out.
"Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband.

"And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

 

No. I was referring to post 2890.