Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

VRYSTAAAAAAAAAT!

A Free State "Boer" walks into his local bar and to his surprise finds a little Japanese man sitting in his regular chair.
"Kleingat, you sommer sitting on my chair" he angrily shouts.
Before he knows it, the Jap is up and knocks the farmer flying.
After the farmer recovers he asks: "What the blerry hell was that?"
"Zat martial art from my country Japan " replies the Jap and strolls off in a stroppy way.

The following day the farmer finds the Jap in "His" seat again.
The farmer goes: "You is again sitting on my chair" and again the Jap knocks the farmer out with some nifty Kung Fu.
On regaining consciousness the farmer asks: "What the blerry hell was that?"
"Zat Karate from my country Japan" and as stroppy as ever ambles off.

Now the farmer is p o.........
The next day the farmer finds the Jap sitting in "His" chair again!
"So, you is again sitting on my chair. Take this... " and he knocks the daylights out of the Jap with one blow.
The little Jap comes around after some time and asks the farmer what was that?

The farmer replies:
"That, my china was a friggin Toyota Hilux 3.0 diesel bakkie's wheelspanner....also from your country Japan "

 

After a heavy night's drinking at a local bar,a drunk stumbles into a church
and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth.There,the priest awaits
the man to begin his confession.

After a few minutes of silence,the priest politely taps on the
window...nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a
bit...still nothing. At this point the priest begin's to lose his patience and
bangs on the window.

Finally the drunk yells out... 'Aint' no use knocking,there aint no toilet paper
over here either!

 

My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in Paradise .

Why?

Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!!!

 

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.

They actually have a Curry Cook-off about April/May

It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting

From America.



Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a

Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment

and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for

directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by

the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all
that spicy and,

besides, they told me I could have free beer during the

tasting, so I accepted".



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.



CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

Wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer

When they saw the look on my face.



CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium's pill. My nose feels like

I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.

Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone

is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the

beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is

starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chilli an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the

chilli peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no

longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The

contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given
me brain damage.

Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
from the pitcher.

I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the
other judges

asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to **** myself if I fart and I'm

worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand

behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to

wipe my *** with a snow cone ice-cream.



CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned

peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a

can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this

stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit

of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting

any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch

hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold

but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,

passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have

reacted to really hot curry?

Judge # 3 - No Report.

 

A Brakpan girl goes to Home Affairs to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor?
"Ten" replies the Brakpan girl,
"Ten?" says the Home Affairs worker.
"What are their names?"
"Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren and Warren"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Brakpan girl. "It’s great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout Warren,
YOUR SUPPER'S READY or Warren GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Home Affairs worker.
"That's easy," says the Brakpan girl... "I just use their surnames"

 

Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Ben's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Ben's roommate, Jennifer, was. Ben's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Ben and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Ben saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Ben said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Ben

Several days later, Ben received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom

 

I went to the hardware store recently while not being
altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive
quantity of my patented 'you are definitely going to s**t yourself'
road-kill chilli.


Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with
a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of
your arse cheeks WILL fall off.

Here is what happened. I had awakened that morning, and even after two
cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.

No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.


Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when,
I bravely set off for the store, my quest being paint and
supplies to refinish the home office. Upon entering the store at first
all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping
items in for purchase. It was not until I was at the opposite end of the
store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.


Oh, do not look at me like you do not know what I am talking about. I am
referring to that ' Uh.., Oh.., S**t !, gotta go..' pain that always
seems to hit us at the wrong time..
The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt.


In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.


There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped
in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I
was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.


Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red
aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.


I do not know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate... Have
you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here is what
I mean, and I am sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could have warned that poor clerk, but I did not. I simply watched as
he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor
so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and
running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head
as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.
.......BIG mistake!!!!!


Here is the thing. When you laugh, it is hard to keep things 'clamped
down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue
burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.


Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
way, praying that I would make it before the grand mal assplosion took
place.


Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my
*** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in
the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a
gagging sound, and disgustedly said, " Son-of-a-***** ! ", "Did it smell
that bad when you ate it?", and then quickly left.


Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
approached me and said,

"Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes."

"It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The
manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which
ought to take care of the problem."


My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT IS YOU !
", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not
to return

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls.

The next day I went to shop at Woolies supermarket.

I can't say anymore about that, because we are in court over the whole
matter.


The ******** claim they are going to have to repaint the store.

 

Sipho's sister was pregnant and was in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies" Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them. The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no! Not Sipho; He's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor "Well what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks." Wow that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like that name Denise." Then she asks the doctor, " What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies. "Denephew."

 

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different
hell for each country. He decides he'll pick the least painful to spend
his eternity. He goes to German Hell and asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil
comes in and whips you for the rest of the day". The man does not like
the sound of that at all so he moves on. He checks out the USA Hell as
well as the Russian Hell and many more. He discovers that they are all
similar to the German hell.

Then he comes to the South African Hell and finds that there is a long
line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do
here?" He is told: first they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The South African
devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day. "But that is
exactly the same as all the other hells. Why are there so many people
waiting to get in?" he asks. "Because Eskom is struggling and is
powerless, there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does
not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is
comfortable to sleep on. And, on top of that, the South African devil is
a government employee, he wont come to work till he gets his 12%
increase, which of cause will never happen!

 

If times are bad, one could create income...

 

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 70

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato sacks.

Then try 25-kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50-kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm at this level now)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack .

 

A student was desperate for some money and approached a department store manager for a weekend job. He was turned down but was very persistent. The manager relented and offered him a job as salesperson on a "commission only basis". He was to report for duty at 3.00 pm on Friday.

At 3.30 pm on Friday, the manager checked on the student. "How much have you sold for?" he enquired. The manager was shocked to here that the student's sales tally was already R17,419.00

"How did you do this?" asked the stunned manager.

"Well, I asked this guy if he had any fishing hooks. He replied that he hadn't so I took him to the sporting goods department and sold him the entire range of chemically sharpened hooks for R1168.00, then I asked him whether he had sinkers and swivels and lures and tackle. He replied that he hadn't, so I sold him tackle to the value of R1349.00. I then asked him whether he had a rod and reel. He replied that he hadn't so I sold him a state of the art reel for R5999.00 an HMG rod for R4999.00 and nylon and braid R750.00. I asked him whether he had a chiller for bait, he replied that he hadn't so I sold him a chiller for R999.00. I then asked him whether he had a fishing jacket and rock boots. He replied that he hadn't, so I sold him top of the range gear for R2155. He left a very satisfied customer"

"Amazing!" said the manager, "You achieved this just by asking him if had any fishing hooks?"

"Well, not exactly" said the student, "He came in looking for a R10.00 box of tampons. I asked him if he's not doing anything this weekend, why dooesn't he go fishing?"

 

Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, when his teacher states the fact that only humans stutter, and no other animal in the world does.

Johnny raises his hand and says. "You're wrong, Miss Finch!"

"Really, would you mind telling us why that is Johnny?," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss Finch, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. The neighbors' Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went "fffff! fffff! fffff!", and before he could say "Fcuk off, the dog bit him!"

 

Today's survival tip:
Next time you are too drunk to drive,
Walk to the nearest Debonairs,
Place an order,
And when they go to deliver it,
Catch a ride home with them.

Update on today's survival tip:
When catching a lift with the delivery guy give him the long directions
home - after 45mins you will get the pizza and the lift for free.

 

What Women Want In A Man!

Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I 'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet