Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Here's one I heard recently.................

A landlubber asks a seasoned old salt

"What's sailing like?"

The seasoned old salt replies:

"Well, it's very much like prison, but with a risk of downing!"

 

Speaking of Health Care....

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital (or in present tense, to comment on the new health care package in Congress), the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists
preferred no rash moves.

The Psychiatrists thought it was madness; the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through
it!

The Gastro-enterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists
thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated
they were laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists
yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, but the Plastic
Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the
scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some ******* who
didn't give a crap.

 

Darn it Eric, I read the whole thing feverishly anticipating what the gynacologists had to say!

 

We should observe that in deep!

 

the gynacologists

There is a fishy smell about this.

 

Who won the jackpot as the 100,000 th viewer? Wow what a milestone for a thread!

 

So RHP, what was the speech about and why is it in the jokes forum ?

 

Fanie, you seem familiar with the method of communication?

 

He he... I told your joke to someone tonight and they laughed, so it works or they like me

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0DmtmmFEVo

Knowing you're all mature family orientated guys, I know you wont laugh at this.

 

finishing carpenters joke

there was an italian and a newfie installing crown molding in a yacht. the italian asked the newfie to hold a piece of wide molding while he made a cut with this super sharp swedish handsaw. somehow the italian slipped with the saw and sliced off the newfie's ear in one stroke. they both started looking throught the sawdust for the ear when the italian picks something up and asks 'hey is thisa your ear?' the newfie looks at it and says 'naw mine had a pencil behind it'

 

Eh Stojanovich,
Welcome to the forum on such a humorous note, BUT -
You should never join this forum in the beginning of the month. See, you made a post and your post count is still zero meaning you did not actually make a post

Also, being from british columbia I suspect is going to make it worse, the world time confusion thing that give various people around the world a chance to say their say here in sequence.




Just kiddin. I'm sure Jeff will upgrade you as soon as he did his month-end




RHP, I wonder if the bride was Aquarius or Pisces ?

 

A batch from which one may select, but they may be too near the truth for we oldies.

On Being Seniors


The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door'.

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tyres.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great...I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said,
'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns'. 'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' the other man replied.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled:
'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV , the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks his wife.
She replies, 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that; write it down?' she says.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't n eed to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?’

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good-looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her, then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four-thousand dollars, but it's state-of-the-art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve-thirty.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One more!
A little old man shuffled into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

It is important to know your *** from a hole in the ground.

 

Pericles, I can identify with most of those