Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

A typical bloke, having split from his la test girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas, coconuts and the few fish that he managed to catch.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore on a boat. In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank a few months ago.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you.'

'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made this boat out of raw materials that I found on the other side of the island.. There's lots of wood, palms and vines.

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'I found a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I used that for tools.

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walkway leading to an exquisite hut painted in yellow and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you,' he mumbles, still dazed. 'I can't take any more coconut juice.'

'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I've managed to ferment some alcohol. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a lovely fountain outside and I've made a razor out of tortoise bone..'

No longer surprised by anything, the man goes to shower and shave.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'Whatever will it be next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'

She stares provocatively into his eyes ...

He swallows excitedly and tears start to well-up in his eyes.....
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'Bloody hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports

 

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'



The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

 

Stupid...

Hello...

I asked for a couple of small hatches - not two hatches that are too small...

SH.

 

Norwegian company in need for an advisor....:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcI3kF2zNBo

 

A ringer from a cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of the lot of ya’s!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

 

​

 

http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=352738A28BFD0496&search_query=tin foil hat

 

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in
their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
Chinese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Chinese accent asked 'You sell what?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ***-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Chinaman said, 'You doing velly well; only last two left!'

 

Importing them from the US takes time...

 

Some women have no sence of humour eh!

 

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or *****.


But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

The End

 

2 priests and a rabbi are in a canoe in a small pond. One priest gets out of the boat and walks around the boat on top of the water, and gets back in. The rabbi is amazed. The priest tell him "all you need is faith and you too can walk on the water." The rabbi insists that his faith is strong and steps out of the boat and goes straight under. He does the dog paddle back to the canoe and rolls back in. Ashamed he says "I guess that I don't have enough faith in the Lord." The other priest says "I can do it also, but I have to say a prayer first." The second priest says the lords prayer, gets out of the boat and walks around the boat, and hops back in. After seeing both priests do it, he decides to try again. The rabbi says a little prayer and steps out of the boat confidently. He plunges back into the drink. While he is under water, one priest says to the other, "Do you think that we should tell him where the rocks are yet?"

 

A man stumbles inside of his house at 5:00 in the morning, drunk as could be.

His wife yells, "WHAT BRINGS YOU HOME AT THIS HOUR!!!!!"

He calmly says, "Breakfast."

 

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this
particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved
out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so
invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."

The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the
man add, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"

 

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to
St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for
the cabby, St. Peter invites
him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with
interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher’s entry
in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, “Okay, we’ll let you in, but take
that cloth robe and wooden staff.”

The preacher is astonished and replies, “But I am a man of the cloth. You
gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely, I rate higher than
a cabby.”

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: “Here we are interested in results. When you
preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed.”