Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Parrots....again

A lady of mature years inherited a parrot which had a foul mouth....every few minutes, the bird would cackle "I'm a swinger". One day, the parrot made this remark while the lady's parish priest was visiting.

"Don't worry", said the priest; "I have two parrots at the rectory, and we cured them."

"But what did you do?"

"I taught them to recite the rosary, Come over for a visit and you'll see."

The lady paid a visit to the rectory and saw the two parrots perched next to a table containing a roasry and a small bell. Oe would strike the bell, the second would say the required prayer, the first would move the bead, and the roles would be reversed for the next round, just like clockwork.

"Marvelous, chimed the parishioner; May I bring my parrot in?"

"Sure, we'll see you tomorrow morning."

The next morning, the woman showed up at the rectory with her parrot, which immediately blurted out, "I'm a swinger" --- whereupon one of the priest's two parrots said to the other:


(pregnant pause)

"You can put the beads away, Joe; Our prayers have been answered!!"

 

20 REASONS CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

You can GET chocolate.
"If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during
working hours without upsetting your work mates.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.

 

Funny Jokes - SOMEWHERE… IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE…

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
- One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
- The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
- The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
- The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
- The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
- The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
- The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
- The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
- The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn’t raining.
- The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they’re satisfied because at least the English aren’t having any fun.

 

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you’re doing? It’s things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I’d come out there and kick your butt!”

 

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two *******s." "What? He had two *******s???" said the mortician.
"Yup!, everyone knew he had two *******s. Every time we went to town together, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two *******s.'"

 

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in
St.Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge
Distorter," told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of
these 100 year old twin biddies.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to

her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other. "Now get a little closer
together," said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up
close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

 

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farm-house and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen-- "Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?" The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin'!"

 

A Lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the forth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming," and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling," and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did The Trick", and I could hardly control myself. BUT---when she moved the forth time and sat under a sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident." I laughed out loud."

 

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.

"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.

"You`d better believe there is a difference, your honor. That`s why I want the divorce." he replied.

 

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.

Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti-Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

 

“BOAT FOR SALE”

Thibodaux marches up to Beaudreaux’s front porch and wraps hard on the
door and Beaudreaux opens it.

Thibodaux say, “Beaudreaux ! How long we ban frands ?”

Beaudreaux say, “Well………All our lives Thibodeaux”

Thibodaux say, “Why don’t you told me you gotta boat?”

Beaudreaux say, “I ant gotta boat !”

Thibodaux say, “Da’ sign say; “BOAT FOR SALE”.

Beaudreaux say, ” OH-NO Thibodaux !” ….See dat old ‘72 ford
pickem’up truck over-dare”

Thibodaux say, “yas, I see dat old pickem’up truck”

Beaudreaux say, “See dat ‘76 Cheverloet Ce-dan”

Thibodaux say, “yas, I see dat Ce-dan”

Beaudreaux say, “Well, dey boat for sale

 

valentine joke attqack

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE





(1) Fine

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you

need to shut up.



(2) Five Minutes

If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five

minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game

before helping around the house.



(3) Nothing

This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should

be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in Fine.



(4) Go Ahead

This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!



(5) Loud Sigh

This is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh

means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer to # 3 for the meaning of Nothing.)



(6) That's Okay

This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man.

That's Okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.



(7) Thanks

A woman is thanking you. Do not question, or faint. Just say You're

Welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says

'Thanks a lot.' That is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.

DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a Whatever).



(8)Whatever

Is a woman's way of saying F--- YOU!



(9)Don't worry about it, I got it

Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has

told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later

result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to

# 3.





"Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or hump it, pee on it and walk away."

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1.Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him."
2.A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
3.Things not to say on your Valentine's date...
1. I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
2. People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.
3. I used to come here all the time with my ex.
4. I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
5. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
6. I like clay. It's mushy.
7. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
8. And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.
9. I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.
10. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
4. Don't tell your partner about that perfect present you almost bought.
Don't give the same Valentine card you gave your partner last year.
Don't buy the wrong size/brand of anything.
Don’t forget to wear clean underwear.
Don't tell your date you forgot your wallet again.
Don't leave your date alone with your parents, flatmates or pet.
Don't buy your partner household appliances for Valentine's Day.
Don't wipe your nose on your sleeve.
Don't give your partner an engagement ring that was meant for someone else!
Don’t club baby fur seals.
5.
A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines’ cards for
his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of
cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, “I wonder if they have
anything for ex-wives.”
The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have an
‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods.”
“Really?”
“Yes sir. They’re called darts.”
______________________________________
Who those I have loved and hurt and nice to me happy VALENTINE and may love shine on you...

 

Fishing Promises

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'



They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'

Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block..'

 

Police emergency service gets a call
Help, a cat just climbed through the window !
What do you mean a 'cat' ?
Yes, a CAT !!! And it's coming for me !
Is this a joke ?
Noooo Heeellllpppp !!!
With who am I speaking ?
Polly the parrot !

 

+ve attitude!!!

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: 'I will choose my own bride!'
Father: 'But the girl is Bill Gate’s daughter.'
Son: 'Well, in that case...ok'


Next Day Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: 'I have a husband for your daughter.'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!'
Father: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.'
Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case...ok'


Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.. '
President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!'
Father: 'But this young man is Bill Gate’s son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case...ok'

This is how business is done!!