Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"...*

 

Stocking up on some beer and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was discounted I bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....

Not bad.

 

Two 4 year old boys was playing in the sand. One said: "You know what? Yesterday I found a condom on the veranda."

The other replied: "What is a veranda?"

 

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Stella arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Wally had read an article that said, "Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex."

The night went very well.

The next day, she told her golfing friends all about it.

"We had a great dinner. Wally even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that ... Wally was too tired ..."

 

"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Fanie again." - - - My hands are tied ? the ?last joke? - - a translation would be appreciated as I am feeling a bit sad and cheering up us needed.....

 

this is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

the only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke. the noise would wake his wife and
the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because
it was making her sick. he told her he couldn't.stop it and that it was
perfectly natural. she told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that
one day he would blow his guts out.

the years went by and he continued to rip them out. then one christmas
day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs
sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all
the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.

she took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep
and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic
waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts

some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot
steps as he ran into the bath room. the wife could hardly control herself as
she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! after years of torture
she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

about twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained
underpants with a look of horror on his face. she bit her lip as she
asked him what was the matter.

he said, "honey you were right." "all these years you have warned me and
i didn't listen to you".

"what do you mean?" asked his wife.

"well, you always told me that one day i would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened."

but by the grace of god, with some vaseline and two fingers. i think i
got most of them back in.

 

I know what your problem is Mas. You must feel with your hands

 

My wife and I are watching 'who wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

 

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'

The blonde said, 'No,I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'

The blonde said, 'No, just up to my ****. I can splash it on my eyes.'

 

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

 

little boy asks his dad where poo comes from?

dad explains that food passed down the oesophagus to the stomach where
digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to
extract protein before waste   products descend via the]colon and rectum
to emerge as poo.

"f**k me " says little boy, and what about tigger?

 

An army major visits sick soldiers,goes up to one private and asks-

'Whats your problem,Soldier'

'Chronic Syphilis,Sir'

'What treatment are you getting'

'Five minutes with the wire brush each day,Sir'

'Whats your ambition'

'To get back to the front lines,Sir'

'Good man,says the Major'

He goes to the next bed-

'Whats your problem,Soldier'

'Chronic piles,Sir'

'What treatment are you getting'

'Five minutes with the wire brush each day,Sir'

'Whats your ambition'

'To get to the front lines,Sir'

'Good man,says the Major'

He goes to the next bed-

'Whats your problem,Soldier'

'Chronic gum disease,Sir'

'What treatment are you getting'

'Five minutes with the wire brush each day,Sir'

'Whats your ambition'

'To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two,Sir'...

 

Here are the glorious winners :

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Johannesburg , South Africa , would-be robber Elliot
Ncgube did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.



2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a
finger.
The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal shebeen, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit
his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.


5. A teenager in Soweto, South Africa, was in the hospital recovering
from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked
how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to
see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was
hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the
clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,
leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got
from the drawer . ....$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money,
is a crime committed?)

7. Seems a guy in Polokwane, South Africa, wanted some beer pretty
badly. He decided that he'd just throw a concrete building block through a
liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the block and
heaved it over his head at the window. The block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store
window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on CCTV
camera.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was
able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes,
the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove
back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to
stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer,
that's her.. That's the lady I stole the purse from.'


9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
walked away. (*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER)


10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage
tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying
that it was the best laugh he'd ever had

 

Robert Mugabe goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The undertaker tells the accompanying people: "You could have him shipped home for US$500,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just US$100."

the Zimbabweans go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Mugabe shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend US$500,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only US$100??? With the money you save you could buy enough diesel for a year, buy enough medicines to wipe out cholera, buy enough generators to never have blackouts again."

The Zimbabweans replied: "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take that chance."

 

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day,stands very close to her,draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she cant stand it any longer!She goes into her supervisors office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says whats wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice.

The woman replies: He's a midget !