Some sailor's funnies...

I just copied the UN joke to another forum, good one.

 

I have a weird sense of humour and lover of the groan jokes and here's one.

A seal walked onto a building site.
The foreman was a bit suprised at first and then told one of his men (Jones) to grab the seal and take it to the zoo.

That night the foreman was walking down the main street and there's Jones walking down the street with the seal.

The foreman said to Jones," I thought I told you to take that seal to the zoo."

Jones said, "I did and he had so much fun, I'm taking him to the movies tonight."

 

Speaking of seals.

A seal was driving her car through the country with her boyfriend.
The car started to splutter so the boy seal suggested that she pull her car into the approaching garage and have it checked out.

They told the mechanic that the car was running rough so he told them to leave it with him for a while and he'd give it a look.

While the mechanic was looking at the car the boy seal suggested to the girl seal that they go up the street and get themselves something to eat.

The boy seal got himself a drink and the girl seal bought an icecream.

As they were walking back the sun was slowly melting the icecream and started dripping down the front of her.

By the time they had reached the garage the girl seal had quite a lot of icecream now running down the front of her.

Just as they approached the mechanic he lifted his head up from under the bonnet lokked at her and said, "looks like you've blown a seal."

"No," she said, "it's just icecream."

 

Quote:
Mayfly

Once Count Dracular had 2 other brothers, Count Drake and Count Doom. These three brother like to boost on victims they had sucked up dry.

Mayfly

our american friends will say that you have got a very wrong idea about vampires! Cos they will die for sure if they suck anybodies blood till the very last drop!

 

In Israel to cover the fighting, a young reporter decided to look for a human-interest story. In Jerusalem, she heard about an old man who's been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!
"Sir," she asked, "how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"
"For 50 years."
"What do you pray for?"
"For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For our childern to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after 50 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a wall."

 

The traditional Scot, Irishman and Chinese fellers fronted up to a boatbuilding yard late one Friday night looking for work.
So, said the foreman to the Scot, and what do you do ?
Marine electrics, he said. Fine, said the foreman - start Monday.
And what do you do Paddy ?
Deck fittings, said the Irishman.
Fine, start Monday.
And you, Mr Ho - what do you do ?
"Supplies" said the Chinaman.
OK, said the foreman, start Monday.
So Monday comes and by midmorning the foreman has seen the Scot wiring away, and the Irishman fitting away - but no sign of the Chinaman. So he shrugs. Must have changed his mind...
About noon he grabs his newspaper and wanders off to the toilet and has just lowered his trousers when the privy door bursts open and the Chinaman stands there shouting - "Supplies...supplies......"

 

No Bergalia mate don' get that one??????? must be the years spent in the colonies (the blu toon and a'beer'deen spring to mind) destroyed my wit ye see mon! bit 'supplied' you tried it on really

 

"how do they feel?" the shoe salesclerk asks a man trying on a pair of wingtips.
"they are a little too tight,"the customer answers.
"try pulling the tongue out," the clerk offers.
"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth," the man replies.

 

Dead ahead, through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."
"Cahnge yours ten gegrees west," comes reply.
The captain responds,"I'm a United States Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman second class," the next message reads. "change your course, sir."
The captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
"I'm a lighthouse. Your call."