Some sailor's funnies...

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

--------------------------------------------------

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he’s screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

 

Nothing like some good bad jokes.

 

Thanks Wynand I needed a laugh


One in my email this morning

Question
A man went to a zoo and all it had was a dog..... What was it.



Answer
A Shitzu


Cheers

 

Nice one Mike, cheered me up no end! Needed it!

Mike (the Walrus)

 

You're welcome. I am often surprised how well a joke can lift the spirits.
Perhaps we should have a humour thread

Cheers

 

What did the man get that invented the doorknocker?





Answer:

The No-Bell prize


(just about the only joke I know in english)

 

Good one Bagger,

Now try this............. Why does the chicken cross the road?.............. dont know?



Because he have no boat driving permit.......


Wellydeckhand

 

Oh, haha, a political one

 

No i think chicken just dont swim..................

 

Ok that was nice. But read this.

Once Count Dracular had 2 other brothers, Count Drake and Count Doom. These three brother like to boost on victims they had sucked up dry.

One day Count Drakular held a contest to settle dispute once and for all. He summoned his might to do unbelievable task of crossing the sea to an island to find victims ( sea travelling is no fun for vampire it seem ).

Count Drake was the first to fly and took half a night, he was covered with blood and he cried.... LOOK I had taken blood from the beach where naked man and woman try to make out... I win !!! But Count Dracula told him not to jump into conclusion.

Immediately Count Dracula flew and took only an hour and have blood in his mouth and shirt and he cried.... AHA I had cross fast and taken the blood of the villages by the beach !!!

Not wasting further longer Count Doom flew like a wind an rushes to the island. To everybody amaze he was back ten minute with whole body covered with blood. Everybody asked for his explaination but he hesitate to tell until the night was quite over.

Count Doom said:" Damn it ! I should have checked the weather report to stay clear of that Fog or else I wouldnt have slammed into that container ship at hi-speed........"


Mayfly

The only Vampire you can trust is " Count On Me "

_________________________________________________________________

You only live once so do the best you can.

 

"UN Survey"

Last month the UN conducted a little survey. All
member-countries were
asked to answer the following question.

" Would you please give your honest opinion about
solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the
world? "

The survey was a huge failure....

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest"
meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what
"shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what
"solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please"
meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of
the world" meant.

 

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis
of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they
had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said
would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North
Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the
Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed
the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb
name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their
dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il.
"Everybody knows we're the best evils...
best at being evil... we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over
being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if
they could join the Axis of Evil.

"They told us it was full," said Syrian President
Bashar al-Assad.

"An Axis can't have more than three countries,"
explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not
my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had
Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can
only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is
wicked cool."

THE AXIS PANDEMIC
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil
declaration was swift, as within minutes, France
surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain
triumvirate status in what became a game of
geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they
had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia
to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis
of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and
Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really
As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the
desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador,
and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries
That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to
Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia
formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite
Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America,
while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the
Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear
Lipstick.

"That's not a threat, really, just something we like
to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack
McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world
weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush
granted approval for most axes, although he rejected
the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names
End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a
false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay,
and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any
Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only
because no one asked them.

 

"Enron and Capitalism"
Capitalism;
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies,
and the economy grows. You
sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Venture Capitalism;

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed
company, using letters of credit
opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity
swap with an associated general offer so that you get four cows
back,with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to
a Cayman Island company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to
seven cows back to your listed
company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on
one more.

Now do you see why a company with $62 billion in assets is declaring
bankruptcy?
--

 

Top Ten Signs Your Boss Is Drunk


#10
Confused elevator for the bathroom

#9
Started a war with no exit strategy

#8
Insists all employee grievances be settled by duel

#7
The sales meeting is now a beer pong tournament

#6
Every time his intercom buzzes, he does a shot

#5
The "World's Drunkest Boss" coffee mug

#4
He's sharpening his pen

#3
Just got back from a long lunch with the Bush twins

#2
Makes a sloppy pass at your wife, then at you

#1
Every time you... read more

* I am resting from my study and stressed up

 

Nice jokes - I particularly liked the political ones - those are proper satire!