How To Simulate The Life Of A Sailor. . . Navy type that is

Discussion in 'All Things Boats & Boating' started by brian eiland, Feb 12, 2012.

  1. brian eiland
    Joined: Jun 2002
    Posts: 5,090
    Likes: 219, Points: 73, Legacy Rep: 1903
    Location: St Augustine Fl, Thailand

    brian eiland Senior Member

    Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside & out, & live in it for 6

    Run all the pipes & wires in your house exposed on the walls.

    Repaint your entire house every month.

    Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub &
    move the showerhead to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you
    turn off the water while you soap down.

    Raise the thresholds & lower the headers of your front & back doors so
    that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

    Disassemble & inspect your lawnmower every week.

    On Mondays, Wednesdays, & Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up
    to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays & Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On
    Saturdays & Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the
    week, so no bathing will be allowed.

    Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over
    without getting out & then getting back in.

    Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
    curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you
    go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, & say, "Sorry, wrong

    Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house -
    dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

    Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly, &
    shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out & trice up."

    Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
    following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am
    while she reads it to you.

    Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to
    leave your house before 3 pm.

    Empty all the garbage bins in your house & sweep the driveway three
    times a day, whether it needs it or not.

    Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
    magazines, & randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

    Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have
    your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.

    Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry
    or refrigerator.

    Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are
    having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When
    they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but
    they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the
    menu & just ask for hot dogs.

    Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly.
    Spread icing real thick to level it off.

    Get up every night around midnight & have a peanut butter & jelly
    sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)

    Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the
    alarm, jump up & dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your
    top shirt button & tuck your pants into your socks. RUn out into the
    backyard & uncolil the garden hose.

    Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool & shout, "Man overboard
    port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

    Put the headphones from your stereo on your head but don't plug them in.
    Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stamd in front of the
    stove & speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned & ready." After an hour
    or so, speak into the cup again, "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones
    & paper cup & stow them in a shoebox.

    Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand
    watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done
    when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

    Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget-priced coffee grounds per
    pot, & allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

    Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

    Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

    Lock yourself & your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that
    at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World
    for "liberty". At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to
    Disney World has been cancelled because they need to get ready for an
    inspection, & it will be another week before they can leave the house.

  2. Manie B
    Joined: Sep 2006
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    Location: Cape Town South Africa

    Manie B Senior Member

  3. michael pierzga
    Joined: Dec 2008
    Posts: 4,862
    Likes: 116, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 1180
    Location: spain

    michael pierzga Senior Member

    Sounds about correct. Not a bad life.
  4. Tim B
    Joined: Jan 2003
    Posts: 1,438
    Likes: 59, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 841
    Location: Southern England

    Tim B Senior Member

    You forgot the buckets of ice-cold water.
  5. troy2000
    Joined: Nov 2009
    Posts: 1,738
    Likes: 170, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2078
    Location: California

    troy2000 Senior Member

    "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned." --Samuel Johnson

  6. BPL
    Joined: Dec 2011
    Posts: 217
    Likes: 15, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 209
    Location: Home base USA

    BPL Senior Member

    Sleeping onboard :) We could write one of these for v-berths and miniature heads :)
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