Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Boat jokes

Breaks off from removing nails from old floor boards.....

Sorry Masalai - have to disabuse you about the rotary clothes hoist. It seems a 'septic' beat 'us' Aussies to it.

And article in the 'Scientific American' of 1855 suggests a Mr James R. Higgins of Rockport built one for his missus.

They were quite popular in England from 1870 onwards, then spread to the European Continent from the end of the 19th Century. (Many examples still to be seen in Italy.) It wasn't until 1946 that young Lennie Hills produced his (Australian) version.

 

Bill Clinton, while out on a friend's yacht, was asked about what he was planning to do if wife Hillary won her party's nomination to be its candidate for US President.

"Well, I've been thinking hard about what I could do that would help her the most. I really want to do something that will gain votes for her."

"We hired some research people who said that she won her first campaign for the US Senate largely because of votes from women who sympathized with her because of my philandering."

"Looks like I've got a lot of work ahead of me," he said with a grin.

 

Two fisher guys camping beside one another. One shouts at the other... did you throw in yet ? No says the other, I'm still looking for a glass...

 

Arrrr, Thanks Bergalia, WOT??? eh, eh
You are supposed to add to the items. from anywhere but septic land please......

 

These jokes are really good, but does any one know any new ones, and maybe a bit funny.

Actually I am insulted by the reference to a cleft palate.

I have a cleft palate and its not flunny.

 

I was waiting for that. A drinking buddy, whilst I was in Townsville, was the source, and he was likewise afflicted, except, with a few under the belt, could not be stopped with incessant jokes on himself. Those were some of the less offensive I remember from his repertoir. With a full charge he was almost unintelligible, but when sober to three parts to the wind - perfect diction. Don't know how he did it. What a funny ******* though.

 

Have I posted this one before?

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn’t kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying.

Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little
Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: “Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?” Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. “Well, then,” she replies, “was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?” Little Tommy looks at her and says, “Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”

 

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were convicted of a crime and sent to jail.

Then they decide to escape, the brunette jumps up on the wall and then jumps in the bushes on the other side.The guards poke their heads around the door to see what the noise was so the brunette says, "meow meow."
The guards say, "Don't worry it was just a cat."

So then the redhead has to go, she gets up on the wall and jumps off into the bushes. Once again the guards come out and see what the trouble was and the redhead says, "meow meow."
The guards say, "oh never mind, just another cat..."

So then its the blonde's turn, so she gets up on the wall and jumps off, and into the bushes. And the guards come out once again to see what all the noise is, so the blonde says, "Don't Worry, its just Another Cat!!"

 

4 husbands were sitting at the waiting room in a hospital
waiting for their wives to give birth.

Soon, a nurse came out from the delivery room and told the first daddy:
"Congratulations, you've twins!".
"Oh!..... maybe it's just a coincidence" said the daddy,
"as I'm working at the Petronas Twin Towers".

Then another nurse came out of the room and told the second daddy:
"Congratulations, you've triplets!"
"Wooow!, this is a coincidence,too" said the second daddy.
"I am working for 3M Corporation".

A while later, another nurse appeared and told the third daddy:
"Congratulations! your wife got quadruplets"
"Thanks God. Perhaps this is also a coincidence".
"I work at Four Seasons Hotel!".

Meanwhile, the fourth daddy-to-be was becoming very worried.
All the 3 daddies asked him: "Why do you look so worried?".
He answered, "...uhmmm.... I'm working at Seven-Eleven!"

 

Yawwn, yes thats right, you have.

Ok ille play along.

Kid at the back of the class with a new teacher. "miss miss I want to go for a piss" The teacher is shocked ,she says " you dont say that in my class , you ask please me I number 1".
Oh Ok says the kid and says "please may I number 1" Ok says the teacher you may leave the room.

Ten minutes later another kids shout "Miss I want to ****". The teacher is appaled "you don't say that" she scolded " you say please may I number 2"
Ok says the kid " please may I number 2 " "yes said the teacher you may leave the room.

Little tommy shouts "Miss miss tommy wants to fart but he does'nt know the code number"

 

Little Johnny was in a biology class where the anatomy of frogs was the discussion. Johnny was asked where was his frog for disection? and replied:

"Miss we was checking out the frog & decided to stick a firecracker up its arse.."

Johnny was stopped and told by the teacher that the word was rectum.

"Yes Miss we rectim oright blew the frog to smitherines!"

 

Jeees your a fast typer, and you dot make any mistakhs ether.

I need a new secratey. Have you got nice legs?

 

A CEO-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal.
For a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself,irritating all the staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather.

Typical big shot.

One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying,
"Time to take your temperature, sir."

After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer.

"Sorry, sir," said the nurse, "but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience,the guy finally rolled over and bared his butt.
After the nurse finished, she said,
"Stay exactly like that and don't move.I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you."

The nurse left, leaving the door ajar.
The guy's back is to the door, and for over an hour, he hears people wandering up and down the hall, laughing.
At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his bare butt in the air and gawked.
Finally, he asks, "What's going on here?

"The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

"Not with a daffodil."

 

You could cut most of that out.

It was a cold night and the boyfriend had chapped lips-------- then the rest of the joke.

Do you type with ALL your fingers? Do you have voice recognition or something.


EDIT

JEEEES you posted 2 jokes while I was replying

 

No, snowball, you have a cleft brain. There, now you can do your daily lash-out at all us *******.