Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

The Blonde And Automobile Dimmer Switches
STATE OF OHIO
DEPARTMENT OF INSURANCE
451 HIGH STREET
George Voinovich COLUMBUS, OH 43210 Ralph G. Pacheco
Governor Phone (614) 445-8627 Director
FAX (614) 445-3225
BULLETIN NO. 91-92
------------------
DATE: January 7, 1992
TO: All Ohio Insurance Agents
FROM: Ohio Department of Insurance
SUBJECT: Automobile Dimmer Switches
Pursuant to the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles Act No. 97-12, all motor
vehicles sold in the State of Ohio after February 15, 1992, will be required
to have the headlight dimmer switch mounted to the floorboard. The dimmer switch must be mounted in a position accessible to operation by pressing the switch by the left foot. The switch must be far enough removed from the left foot pedals to avoid inadvertent operation or pedal confusion.

Included in the above act and beginning June 1, 1992, all other vehicles
with steering column mounted dimmer switches must be retrofitted with a
floorboard mounted dimmer switch of the type described above. The steering column mounted dimmer switch must be disabled or removed from the vehicle. Vehicles which have not made this change will fail the forthcoming Ohio Safety Inspection program which will begin on this date.

It is recognized that this will cause some hardship for the driving public.
However, this change is being made in the interest of public safety. Ohio
DMV Act 92-13 will revert all Ohio motor vehicles to the prevalent dimmer
system in use prior to the influx of foreign market vehicles. A recent
study entitled the "Inflation Sequence in Ohio Night-time Highway Traffic
Accidents" was conducted jointly by the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles
and the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicle Research. It has shown that
96% of all Ohio night time highway accidents are caused by a blonde getting her foot caught in the steering wheel........

 

"Head and Shoulders"
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day.

he brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.

The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"

 

The Smart blonde

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".

After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".

By the time she drove eight miles, shehad cleaned 43 restrooms.

 

The Lawyer Squirrel
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It’s my nut!"
The first squirrel said, "That’s not fair! I saw it first!"

"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn’t quarrel.

Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."

Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I’ll take the meat."

 

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go -- and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

 

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him.
He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you.
I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.
Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor,
"I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed.
"I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

 

Oh, I know a joke:

"What does one do if people begin looking into how your company operates?"

Answer:

"Threaten to contact attourneys and accuse them of

"

Nice, huh?

Unfortunately I don't have a website where I could put this sort of thing. But good luck even thinking about putting the truth out there as "libeling" and "defaming" a company. Utter nonsense. That threat would have never worked around these parts.

Hmm, okay, it's not such a fun joke, but …

 

Yes! Danish I like it, Not enough cat recipes. I may try that one if I get the chance. ha ha ha.

Fanie, I thought it was somewhere North of Australia where they ate dogs. Not my style sorry. a little bit amusing

 

Dogs and Moses

 

I Like!!!! C'mon Fanie, 43 more by sunday midnite!!!???

 

You're not greedy are you !!

 

1- The ground
2 - A box on the ground
3 - This is a house
4 - There is snow on the roof
5 - This is the sun
6 - This is my dad picking the soap up in the shower

 

4 5 c ! I read jokes I posted I don't even know !

 

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second black hearse just 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.Behind her 200 women walking single file.

The woman's curiosity got the best of her. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

The woman was even more inquisitive, "Well, who's in the second hearse?"

"My-mother-in law. She tried to help my husband when the dog turned on her and killed her too."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Could I borrow that dog?"

"Get in line."

 

1). Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

2) Customer: "I received the software update you sent,but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

3).Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."!
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."

4).Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$

5).Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen,canyou see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

6) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."

7). Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"

8). Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocerystore."

9). Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."

10). Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

11).Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

12).Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?

13). Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

14). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

15). Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

16). A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.
Letme know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you ! the file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.