Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Yup, it's a repeeet! But all things good can stand a little repitition – especially if it revolves around a little 'action',don't you think?

 

On board a flight to Hawaii, the pilot announced, "That thump you heard was our last engine conking out. I'm really sorry to tell you this, but we are going to crash into the ocean." In the stunned silence that followed, an angry voice spoke out. "Dammit! That stupid doctor of mine lied ! He said I was going to die of cancer.

 

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

 

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on the left breast and screams.
Then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony.
She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

 

Left the wife, kept the dog. Only pick up crap once a day.

 

left the wife????

Is this true fannie. If so Im sure we would all like to hear about it.

I am always interested in heroic action,--- and consiquences!!

 

A brave man, a very brave man!!! Probably a little foolish too! But I salute your bravery (does the mother in law know yet?)

 

Boat jokes

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord."

A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ***. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing ..... " A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

Or:

Three mothers; a blonde, a redhead and a brunette are sitting down drinking coffee. The brunette says "I went into my daughter's bedroom the other day and I found some alcohol, I can't believe she's drinking". The redhead says "I went into my daughter's bedroom the other day and I found some cigarette butts, I can't believe she's smoking". Then the blonde says "I went into my daughter's room the other day and I found a condom, I can't believe she has a *****".

 

Because at 6:36AM PDT On Oct 31 I'm still in bed.:!:

 

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out." Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,"..

And where do you think you're going....

(You're gonna love this....)

She said, "I'm going home, too. You can't possibly expect me to work in the dark!

 

Totally PeePee loved it!!!!


bit to clever for a blonde though isn't it?

 

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home. " "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull** before.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?!, Because he's cross-eyed?!?" "No, because he's really heavy."

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50. that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "no, the steaks are too high."

A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms".

I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um...well... I have five pe**ses" replies the man. "Good grief!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

Man lost both legs in accident. Case got throwed out of court as the judge said he didn't have a leg to stand on.

 

Two men walk into a bar - stupid realy, you think the second one would have seen it!

Two cows standing in a field, one says "you worried about the mad cow disease thing?"
Other one says "Why should I be, I'm a duck!"

 

1 - Now you know !

2 - NEW REMOTE for men

3 - Dear Dr. Ruth

4 - Hoe vier Hollanders roken een zol

 

I would take the Maria version, as long as she can dig worms, cook well, does a good massage, drives me home from the pub, and has a nice boat.
Please send details of the boat.