BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

Discussion in 'All Things Boats & Boating' started by brian eiland, Oct 29, 2006.

  1. Pericles
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    Location: The heights of High Wycombe, not too far from Rive

    Pericles Senior Member

    Background: JD Wetherspoon is a very successful pub chain in the UK, where it's possible to eat & drink at a cost almost less than you can at home. Their breakfasts are marvellous & it's fun to watch the inebriates on their second pint of cider at 8-30 am.

    Subject: Lunch

    A group of guys, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoon’s in Tunbridge Wells because the waitresses had very large breasts and micro-mini-skirts....

    Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoon’s in Tunbridge Wells because the food and service was good and the beer selection excellent.

    Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoon’s in Tunbridge Wells because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.

    Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoon’s in Tunbridge Wells because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

    Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoon’s in Tunbridge Wells because they had never been there before.
     
  2. Tiny Turnip
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    Tiny Turnip Senior Member

    What is a pirate's favourite letter of the alphabet?

    Well, you'd think that it would be the AAARRRR!

    but in fact a pirate's first love is the 'C'
     
  3. RHough
    Joined: Nov 2005
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    RHough Retro Dude

    As the little pirate comes to the door trick or treating ... the woman says "Oh a cute Pirate! Where are your buccaneers?"

    "Under my buccan hat!"

    Someone else says "What's a buccaneer?"

    "A hell of a price to pay for corn."
     
  4. Rurudyne
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    Rurudyne Senior Member

    A Corn Star : any successful comic known for corny jokes
     
  5. brian eiland
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    brian eiland Senior Member

    1 person likes this.
  6. lewisboats
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    lewisboats Obsessed Member

    EEWWWW... but funny!
     
  7. Pericles
    Joined: Sep 2006
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    Location: The heights of High Wycombe, not too far from Rive

    Pericles Senior Member

    This is where it hits the fan

    In a train from London to Manchester an American was berating

    the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

    "The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy.

    You set yourselves apart too much.

    You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

    Look at me... I'm me! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood and some Spanish blood.

    What do you say to that?"





    The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied:

    "How very sporting of your mother!" :p
     
  8. SukiSolo
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    SukiSolo Senior Member

    Mmmmm, interesting, Pericles as a half English, quarter French, quarter Danish, Englishman.......;)

    Trouble is I don't do the stiff upper lip very well.....:) but I'll keep away from UKIP jokes..... or they'll make me emigrate.....;)
     
  9. Pericles
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    Location: The heights of High Wycombe, not too far from Rive

    Pericles Senior Member

    Finally, the true story as told by Hillary Clinton to world leaders.

    "Some years ago, nearing dinner time at the White House, our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice.

    He wasn't the smartest looking guy, in fact he seemed a bit dirty. The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff, but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

    "Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was assured that many chefs did that.

    "Dinner went okay, although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he started to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself.

    "By now, he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

    "As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice: "Sack my cook"

    "And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the whole misunderstanding occurred."
     
  10. Rurudyne
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    Rurudyne Senior Member

  11. AndySGray
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    AndySGray Senior Member

    ISIS have been condemned by the international organisation of Mens rights.

    Not for its treatment of prisoners and hostages, but for the treatment of its own fighters.:confused:

    They are encouraging their followers to take multiple wives, which on the surface does not seem to be a problem, however they do not warn of the dark and sinister consequences of such a course of action - a scourge even the thought of which will send a shiver up the spine of every red blooded man.


    Multiple Mother-in-laws ! :eek:
    (This is clearly a barbaric religious sect with no respect for basic human rights and willing to inflict cruel and unusual punishments upon its followers)

    No wonder there's no shortage of suicide bombers - its the only way to guarantee some peace and quiet!


    :p
     
  12. AndySGray
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    AndySGray Senior Member

    Kev: Evening Tony, You're looking happy?
    Tony: Watcha Kevin, lemme buy you a pint..
    Kev: Cheers - So what are you celebrating?
    Tony: Found a great way to stop the Mother-in-law coming round as often!
    Kev: Brilliant, so what's the secret?
    Tony: Got some stronger Chloroform!

    :D
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2015
  13. Rurudyne
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    Location: North Texas

    Rurudyne Senior Member

  14. Rurudyne
    Joined: Mar 2014
    Posts: 1,130
    Likes: 29, Points: 48, Legacy Rep: 155
    Location: North Texas

    Rurudyne Senior Member


  15. AndySGray
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    AndySGray Senior Member

    Kev: Hey Tone, some muppets parked a brand new Merc in your usual parking spot!
    Tony: No, it mine.
    Kev: What? You win the football pools, the lottery, big bet on the ponies?
    Tony: Well you know I sent the Mother in law on that surprise African Safari...

    Kev: You told her you'd booked her a week in Bournemouth...
    Tony: I always ask if there's anything she wants for Christmas and she says surprise me...

    Kev: I don't think that was quite what she meant? Anyway, bet you were secretly hoping she'd be eaten by Lions or Crocodiles...
    Tony: I resent that - I'm a fully paid up member of the World Wildlife Fund, and no lion or croc has ever done anything that nasty to me. Though I did hope she might get accidently shot by a Rhino poacher.
    Kev: Grey and Wrinkly, shortsighted, notoriously bad tempered and attacks at the slighest provocation - Hmm, and people say similar things about Rhino's too....
    So you got the Mercedes from the insurance payout?

    Tony: No such luck, She got herself captured by Boco Haram
    Kev: Really?
    Tony: Next thing I know is I get a phone call and they start talking about a million dollars for her return!
    Kev: So what did you say to that?

    Tony: I told them it was their own stupid fault and if they wanted me to take her back, they'd better come up with a much better offer, around the 2.5 million Pound mark, otherwise they'd end up keeping her!

    :D
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2015
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