Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Finally, the true story as told by Hillary Clinton to world leaders.

"Some years ago, nearing dinner time at the White House, our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice.

He wasn't the smartest looking guy, in fact he seemed a bit dirty. The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff, but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

"Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was assured that many chefs did that.

"Dinner went okay, although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he started to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself.

"By now, he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

"As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice: "Sack my cook"

"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the whole misunderstanding occurred."

 

ISIS have been condemned by the international organisation of Mens rights.

Not for its treatment of prisoners and hostages, but for the treatment of its own fighters.

They are encouraging their followers to take multiple wives, which on the surface does not seem to be a problem, however they do not warn of the dark and sinister consequences of such a course of action - a scourge even the thought of which will send a shiver up the spine of every red blooded man.


Multiple Mother-in-laws !
(This is clearly a barbaric religious sect with no respect for basic human rights and willing to inflict cruel and unusual punishments upon its followers)

No wonder there's no shortage of suicide bombers - its the only way to guarantee some peace and quiet!

 

Kev: Evening Tony, You're looking happy?
Tony: Watcha Kevin, lemme buy you a pint..
Kev: Cheers - So what are you celebrating?
Tony: Found a great way to stop the Mother-in-law coming round as often!
Kev: Brilliant, so what's the secret?
Tony: Got some stronger Chloroform!

 

Kev: Hey Tone, some muppets parked a brand new Merc in your usual parking spot!
Tony: No, it mine.
Kev: What? You win the football pools, the lottery, big bet on the ponies?
Tony: Well you know I sent the Mother in law on that surprise African Safari...

Kev: You told her you'd booked her a week in Bournemouth...
Tony: I always ask if there's anything she wants for Christmas and she says surprise me...

Kev: I don't think that was quite what she meant? Anyway, bet you were secretly hoping she'd be eaten by Lions or Crocodiles...
Tony: I resent that - I'm a fully paid up member of the World Wildlife Fund, and no lion or croc has ever done anything that nasty to me. Though I did hope she might get accidently shot by a Rhino poacher.
Kev: Grey and Wrinkly, shortsighted, notoriously bad tempered and attacks at the slighest provocation - Hmm, and people say similar things about Rhino's too....
So you got the Mercedes from the insurance payout?

Tony: No such luck, She got herself captured by Boco Haram
Kev: Really?
Tony: Next thing I know is I get a phone call and they start talking about a million dollars for her return!
Kev: So what did you say to that?

Tony: I told them it was their own stupid fault and if they wanted me to take her back, they'd better come up with a much better offer, around the 2.5 million Pound mark, otherwise they'd end up keeping her!

 

An oldie, but a goodie...


WARNING!

Do not be drinking anything when you read this. You just might blow it out your nose or spew it on the computer. And that's just gross.



Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

*****************************************************

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy cow, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI


Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalape�o tang.

Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI


Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC


Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods - not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300- lb. woman is starting to look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

****************************************************

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER


Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and can no longer focus my eyes. I tooted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

****************************************************

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY


Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I tooted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear-end with a snow cone.

****************************************************

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI


Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI


Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 tooted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

# 3 - No Report

 

Two Blondes were discussing men.
One said, "That Dave is so nice, --he dresses so well.
The other said "Yes--and quickly too".

 

Did you hear that JJ Abrams and Michael Bay are going to collaborate on a project? Yep, it will be the first major motion picture with exploding lens flares.

 

The Carlos Danger Song


There's a man who leads a life of Danger,
To everyone he tweets he stays no stranger,
With every picture he takes,
Another friend he makes,
Odds are he won't live to see reelection.

Carlos Danger, yeah,
Carlos Danger, yeah,
You've given gals a peek and shown not an ounce of shame.

Beware of pretty faces that you find,
A pretty face may not have a playful mind,
Oh, be careful what you send,
Or who you ask to be your friend,
Or odds are you won't live to see reelection!

Carlos Danger, yeah,
Carlos Danger, yeah,
You've given gals a peek and shown not an ounce of shame.

Swinging it for your Friends to see,
and the finding It on the news the very next day,
Oh, don't let the wrong jpg slip,
Please get on yourself a grip,
Cause odds are you won't live to see reelection.

Carlos Danger, yeah,
Carlos Danger, yeah,
You've given gals a peek and shown not an ounce of shame.


(For those who may not recall, "Carlos Danger" was an alias used by Congresscritter Anthony Weiner, whose fortunes turned south after he tweeted pictures of his Mr Happy to various women)

 

To the tune of "Secret Agent Man"?

 

Yeppers.

 

A man was somberly swigging back his Jack Daniels when the bartender asked him what was the matter.

"Oh, me? Today I mark the 30th anniversary of a career operating landing craft. I've been all over the world and to some of the most beautiful parts of it too. Lots of lovely ladies."

"That sounds pretty nice." the bartender confessed, "Not something to seem sad about."

"Oh, that? Nah, I was just remembering how I misunderstood the guy that hired me when he actually told me I'd be dropping loads on those sandy beaches."