BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

Discussion in 'All Things Boats & Boating' started by brian eiland, Oct 29, 2006.

  1. yipster
    Joined: Oct 2002
    Posts: 3,486
    Likes: 95, Points: 58, Legacy Rep: 1148
    Location: netherlands

    yipster designer

    reminds me of that time a girlfrend stopped by with another girlfrend saying:
    took me a second but yeah..:p
     
    1 person likes this.
  2. Pericles
    Joined: Sep 2006
    Posts: 1,967
    Likes: 121, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 1307
    Location: Heights of High Wycombe, not far from River Thames

    Pericles Senior Member

    Who remembers the Battle of Trafalgar?

    Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
    > Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
    > Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the
    > meaning of this?"
    > Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
    > Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his or her
    > duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
    > persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"
    > Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
    > employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the
    > censors, lest it be considered racist."
    > Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
    > Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
    > smoke-free working environments."
    > Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
    > main brace to steel the men before battle."
    > Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the
    > Government's policy on binge drinking."
    > Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full
    > speed ahead."
    > Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
    > stretch of water."
    > Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
    > history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
    > nest, please."
    > Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
    > Nelson: "What?"
    > Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness;
    > and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let
    > anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."
    > Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
    > Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck
    > Admiral."
    > Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
    > Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-
    > free environment for the differently abled."
    > Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
    > even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
    > by playing the disability card."
    > Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in
    > the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
    > Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
    > Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
    > let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
    > anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
    > Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
    > the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
    > Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
    > Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
    > Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
    > charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of
    > legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
    > Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
    > Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
    > Nelson: "We're not?"
    > Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
    > now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
    > this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
    > Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
    > Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying
    > that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
    > Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
    > King."
    > Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
    > age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
    > life"
    > Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum,
    > sodomy and the lash?"
    > Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
    > corporal punishment."
    > Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
    > Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
    > Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 170, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    A drunken man who smelled of beer sat down in an underground train, next to a priest.
    The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

    After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

    The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
    too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

    The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", Then returned to his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
    "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

    The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.
    I was just reading here that the Pope does."
     
  4. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 170, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    In my next life I want to be a penguin,
    When I'm not breeding I'm busy fishing !
     
  5. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 170, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    A priest is driving down the Constantia road in Cape Town when he comes across a baboon lying dead in the road.

    He contacts the Cape Town police to inform them of his find.

    A cocky desk sergeant laughed and said: "Did you give it the last rites?"

    "No" said the priest "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first".
     
    1 person likes this.
  6. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 170, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, 'Its not working, I cant take it any more, I'm going to my mothers place.

    I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold.....

    What the hell is she talking about?
     
  7. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 170, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Old ones, but still good and some of you old blokes need the refreshment ;)

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid


    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.


    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death..
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.


    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral...


    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No..
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!


    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.


    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget..
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
     
  8. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 170, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Apparently the new Land Rovers does not come with an oil filler cap.
    You just pour the oil over the engine and the oil leaks in by itself.
     
  9. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 170, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Near Fredericksburg,Texas,where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.

    The farmer shouted, "Trink das wasser nicht, die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."

    Which means "Don't drink the water, the cows have pooped in it."

    The man shouted back, I'm from New York, and just down here campaigning for Obama's

    health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak English.

    The farmer replied "Use two hands ,you'll get more."
     
  10. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 170, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    A guy is sitting in the pub in the departures area at a busy international
    airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
    He is completely gob-smacked by how attractive she is. He decides because
    she's that pretty, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides
    to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby
    impressing her greatly.

    He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto

    "We love to fly and it shows"

    The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

    He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto

    "Winning the hearts of the world"

    Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

    Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto

    "Going beyond expectations"

    The woman looks at him and says "What the hell do you want?"

    "Ah!" he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. "South African Airways"
     
  11. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 170, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
    She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
    After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
    The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
    "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
     
  12. the1much
    Joined: Jul 2007
    Posts: 3,897
    Likes: 44, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 696
    Location: maine

    the1much hippie dreams

    this baby seal walked into a club..........................
     
    1 person likes this.
  13. the1much
    Joined: Jul 2007
    Posts: 3,897
    Likes: 44, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 696
    Location: maine

    the1much hippie dreams

    2 lesbians and 2 gay guys left texas to go to florida,,who got there first and why??
    the lesbians did,,they did 69 all the way,,,the 2 gay guys still at home packing their sh!@
     
  14. ancient kayaker
    Joined: Aug 2006
    Posts: 3,497
    Likes: 146, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 2291
    Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada

    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

    At -50C ?
     

  15. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 170, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    LOL Ancient, When you're getting cold you're slowing down :D
     
Loading...
Forum posts represent the experience, opinion, and view of individual users. Boat Design Net does not necessarily endorse nor share the view of each individual post.
When making potentially dangerous or financial decisions, always employ and consult appropriate professionals. Your circumstances or experience may be different.