Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Discussion in 'All Things Boats & Boating' started by brian eiland, Oct 29, 2006.

  1. rwatson
    Joined: Aug 2007
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    Location: Tasmania,Australia

    rwatson Senior Member

    Power of prayer

    A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

    With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked :
    "Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

    Mulrunji replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

    The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji's ear, placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.

    He prayed to the 'Almighty' for Mulrunji, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

    After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?"

    Mulrunji answered, "I don't know. I dont go'ta court 't 'til next week!"
     

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  2. myark
    Joined: Oct 2012
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    Location: Thailand

    myark Senior Member

    lost at sea
     

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  3. Dirteater
    Joined: Oct 2010
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    Location: Canada

    Dirteater Senior Member

    New Species discovered in the Alberta flood zones!!
     

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  4. RHough
    Joined: Nov 2005
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    Location: BC Summers / Nayarit Winters

    RHough Retro Dude

    Notice shiny new solenoid. Starter has not been out long, was pulled after new solenoid did not fix problem?
     
  5. the1much
    Joined: Jul 2007
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    Location: maine

    the1much hippie dreams

    what did hellen keller do when she fell down the well?


    screamed her hands off
    ; )
     
  6. the1much
    Joined: Jul 2007
    Posts: 3,897
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    Location: maine

    the1much hippie dreams

    what do you call a dog with no legs..................



    any dam thing u want,,he aint commin anywayz
    ;)
     
  7. srimes
    Joined: Sep 2008
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    Location: Oregon

    srimes Senior Member

    What do you call a dog with steel balls and no hind legs?

    Sparky.
     
  8. yipster
    Joined: Oct 2002
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    Location: netherlands

    yipster designer

    reminds me of that time a girlfrend stopped by with another girlfrend saying:
    took me a second but yeah..:p
     
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  9. Pericles
    Joined: Sep 2006
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    Location: Heights of High Wycombe, not far from River Thames

    Pericles Senior Member

    Who remembers the Battle of Trafalgar?

    Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
    > Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
    > Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the
    > meaning of this?"
    > Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
    > Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his or her
    > duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
    > persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"
    > Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
    > employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the
    > censors, lest it be considered racist."
    > Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
    > Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
    > smoke-free working environments."
    > Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
    > main brace to steel the men before battle."
    > Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the
    > Government's policy on binge drinking."
    > Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full
    > speed ahead."
    > Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
    > stretch of water."
    > Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
    > history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
    > nest, please."
    > Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
    > Nelson: "What?"
    > Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness;
    > and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let
    > anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."
    > Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
    > Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck
    > Admiral."
    > Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
    > Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-
    > free environment for the differently abled."
    > Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
    > even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
    > by playing the disability card."
    > Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in
    > the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
    > Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
    > Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
    > let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
    > anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
    > Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
    > the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
    > Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
    > Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
    > Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
    > charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of
    > legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
    > Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
    > Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
    > Nelson: "We're not?"
    > Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
    > now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
    > this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
    > Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
    > Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying
    > that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
    > Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
    > King."
    > Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
    > age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
    > life"
    > Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum,
    > sodomy and the lash?"
    > Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
    > corporal punishment."
    > Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
    > Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
    > Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."
     
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  10. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 174, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    A drunken man who smelled of beer sat down in an underground train, next to a priest.
    The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

    After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

    The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
    too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

    The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", Then returned to his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
    "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

    The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.
    I was just reading here that the Pope does."
     
  11. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 174, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    In my next life I want to be a penguin,
    When I'm not breeding I'm busy fishing !
     
  12. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    A priest is driving down the Constantia road in Cape Town when he comes across a baboon lying dead in the road.

    He contacts the Cape Town police to inform them of his find.

    A cocky desk sergeant laughed and said: "Did you give it the last rites?"

    "No" said the priest "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first".
     
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  13. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, 'Its not working, I cant take it any more, I'm going to my mothers place.

    I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold.....

    What the hell is she talking about?
     
  14. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Old ones, but still good and some of you old blokes need the refreshment ;)

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid


    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.


    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death..
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.


    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral...


    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No..
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!


    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.


    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget..
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
     

  15. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 174, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Apparently the new Land Rovers does not come with an oil filler cap.
    You just pour the oil over the engine and the oil leaks in by itself.
     
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