Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Discussion in 'All Things Boats & Boating' started by brian eiland, Oct 29, 2006.

  1. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    This one is a bit late and may even have been up before - but save it for the end of this year.

    Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

    'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

    The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

    'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

    The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

    Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

    The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

    St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

    The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

    And So The Christmas Season Begins......
  2. ancient kayaker
    Joined: Aug 2006
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    Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada

    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

  3. hoytedow
    Joined: Sep 2009
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    hoytedow Carbon Based Life Form


    Subject: Seniors

    It was Holiday Entertainment Night at the senior citizens' center.
    After the community sang Jingle Bells, led by Alice at the piano,
    it was time for the star of the Show: Claude the Hypnotist!

    Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
    "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.
    The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew,
    from his waistcoat pocket,
    a beautiful, antique, gold, pocket watch and chain.
    "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude,
    holding the watch high for all to see.
    "It's a very special and valuable watch
    that's been in my family for six generations," Claude reported.

    He began to swing the watch gently,
    back and forth, while quietly chanting,

    "Watch the watch. . .
    Watch the watch. . .
    Watch the watch. . ."

    The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
    The lights twinkling as they reflected on its gleaming surfaces.
    A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements
    of the gently swaying watch.

    And then, suddenly. . . The Chain Broke!!!
    The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!
    Then Claude shouted, "$H1t !"

    It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center...
    ...and Claude was never invited to entertain there again!
  4. masalai
    Joined: Oct 2007
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    Location: cruising, Australia

    masalai masalai

    Stolen humour
    "Friday Funnies
    If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the humorist who once said, "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do; here are some of his gems:"

    1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
    2 - Borrow money from pessimists – they don't expect it back.
    3 - Half the people you know are below average.
    4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
    5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
    6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
    7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
    9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
    10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
    11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend… but she left me before we met.
    12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
    13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
    14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
    15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
    16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
    17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
    18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
    19 - I intend to live forever... so far, so good.
    20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
    21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
    22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
    23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
    24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
    25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
    26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
    27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
    28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
    29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
    30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
    31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
    32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
    33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
    34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
    And the all-time favourite –
    35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
  5. troy2000
    Joined: Nov 2009
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    Location: California

    troy2000 Senior Member

    Like many other good stories on the Internet, the one about Neil Armstrong invoking Mr. Gorsky isn't true. But it's funny anyway....

    According to, Neil Armstrong himself said in 1995 that he first heard the story from comedian Buddy Hackett in California.
    1 person likes this.
  6. bntii
    Joined: Jun 2006
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    Location: MD

    bntii Senior Member

    I once attended a science meeting at a hotel in Florida that was simultaneously hosting the American Association of Abrasives Manufacturers.
    I guess the hotel was full of abrasive people that week, but they seemed nice.
  7. Jenny Giles
    Joined: Jul 2009
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    Location: Sydney

    Jenny Giles Perpetual Student

    Just don't let them rub you up the wrong way.
  8. hoytedow
    Joined: Sep 2009
    Posts: 5,857
    Likes: 399, Points: 93, Legacy Rep: 2489
    Location: Control Group

    hoytedow Carbon Based Life Form

    Illegitimatis non carborundum.

    Boatum est upsettum, magno cum grandine venti.
    Omnes drownderunt qui swim away non potuerunt.
    Trumpeter unus erat, qui coatum scarlet habebat.
    Et magnum periwig, tied about with the tail of a dead pig.
  9. ancient kayaker
    Joined: Aug 2006
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    Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada

    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

    Hoyte, did you forgot your medication this morning? Remember, twice a day in a boat . . .
    1 person likes this.
  10. hoytedow
    Joined: Sep 2009
    Posts: 5,857
    Likes: 399, Points: 93, Legacy Rep: 2489
    Location: Control Group

    hoytedow Carbon Based Life Form

    No. Me admonet domina mea.
  11. Redtick
    Joined: Jul 2009
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    Location: usa

    Redtick Junior Member

    For the Love of Golf

    Four old friends were playing their weekly game of golf. One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his pals and play a round.

    His friends all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

    Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

    The first player says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

    The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

    The third man says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

    They all turned to the last one of the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for a romp in bed or golf,”

    and all she said was, “You'll need a sweater".
    1 person likes this.
  12. Leo Lazauskas
    Joined: Jan 2002
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    Location: Adelaide, South Australia

    Leo Lazauskas Senior Member

    I like politically incorrect humour. Like this one:
    Abraham Lincoln was never the president of the USA.
  13. ancient kayaker
    Joined: Aug 2006
    Posts: 3,497
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    Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada

    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

    The first 7 US presidents were born British subjects and did not have valid US birth certificates.
  14. Number4

    Number4 Previous Member

    I get it!
    The Confederacy was formed before Lincoln took office, and he was shot before they returned to the Union.

  15. Number4

    Number4 Previous Member

    Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
    He worked it out with a pencil, and it came out as a log.
    1 person likes this.
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