Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

She may have been a Rhodes scholar with Rhodobacteraceae. I hear it is quite common in Davy Jones Locker.

 

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." George W Bush [Former President USA]

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"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" George W Bush [Former President USA]

 

My grandfather voted Republican his whole life. Since he died he has only voted Democrat.

 

from http://www.clubmarine.com.au/internet/clubmarine.nsf/docs/MG25-4 Water Wise


She loosened her overalls, ruffled her long blonde hair and sighed as the breeze chilled her glistening skin. Smudges of grease mingled with delicate beads of sweat upon her brow.



"Here's your problem," she said, holding a rusted bolt between her fingers. "Your engine anode has corrosion …"


So, have we got your attention yet?

Corrosion. It's as inevitable as death and taxes, but as a topic it's about as arousing as a prostate examination

 

The ultimate crooked table!

 

Three guys go down to Mexico one night, get drunk and wake up in jail. They find out that they're to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am a priest and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens; so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am an attorney and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The switch is thrown and again nothing happens.

Figuring the law is on this guy's side, they let him go. The last one is strapped in and say's "I'm an electrical engineer, and I'll tell you right now, you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires." God rest his soul.

 

***Not The Joke You Expecting***

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to
her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
" Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no GOD, or no
Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a
question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but
a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified
to discuss why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after
death, when you don't know ****?"
And then she went back to reading her book.

 

Euronomics explained

Helga is the proprietor of a bar.
She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar.
To solve this problem she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

Helga keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers' loans).

Word gets around about Helga's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Helga's bar.

Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in town.

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands Helga gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer - the most consumed beverages.

Consequently, Helga's gross sales volumes and paper profits increase massively. A young and dynamic manager at the local bank recognises that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Helga's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

He is rewarded with a six figure bonus.


At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS. These "securities" are then bundled and traded on international securities markets.

Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AA Secured Bonds" are really debts of unemployed alcoholics.

Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

The traders all receive a six figure bonus.


One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Helga's bar. He so informs Helga.

Helga then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons but, being unemployed alcoholics, they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Helga cannot fulfil her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Helga's 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Helga's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations; her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.

They all receive a six figure bonus.


The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who've never been in Helga's bar.

See? It's so simple really . . .

 

Hmm, interesting fun story, but comparing home buyers, investing in important community assets, with unemployed alcoholics and beer, makes it a bit ineffective as a commentary on the GFC.

 

- Oops, sorry; I thought this was the jokes thread . . .

 

A ship wrecks and a container full of canned tuna gets all smashed up.

An Italian buys the damaged tuna at auction. He then sells it to a Greek. The Greek sells it to Armenian. The Armenian sell it to an American. The American then sells it to an Irishman.
The Irishman opens a can of the tuna and finds that it is spoiled. He says to the American, “This tuna is no good to eat!”

The American replies “Idiot! This tuna is not for eating! It is for buying and selling!

 

Me too - but it came across more as one of those political innuendo moral stories, not funny unless interpreted against a real scenario.

But, back to the spirit of the thread


"Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

'I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business', declared the first man.

'Fifty years from now, 'said the second, 'I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'.

Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, 'So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?'

'Me?' the third man replied. 'I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age!'
"

 

Cell phone courtesy.

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train rolled out of the station.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had had enough and leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

 

Parents are really funny, Johny tells his sister.
They put a a comedy on tv, run into the bedroom, slam the door, climb under the blankets and start shaking.
They must be scared of cartoons!