Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Discussion in 'All Things Boats & Boating' started by brian eiland, Oct 29, 2006.

  1. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Miss: What does chickens give us ?

    Eggs miss.

    Miss: What does sheep give us ?

    Wool miss

    Miss: What does cows give us ?

    Homework miss...

    Teacher: Johnny, I wan t to see your dad,
    Where do you live !

    Johnny: We live next to the Smith's, sir

    Teacher : And where does the Smith's live ?

    Johnny: They live next to us sir...

    Robber in the bank shouts at the blond
    Lie on your stomach not your back
    This is a robbery, not a bank party !

    Attached Files:

  2. Redtick
    Joined: Jul 2009
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    Location: usa

    Redtick Junior Member

    A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if
    she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't
    have a bath, although if she wanted one, she could use a tin bath in
    front of the fire.

    "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

    The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

    After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
    filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to
    see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her
    husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
    "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the
    back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for

    So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife

    "Do you shave?"

    "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do
    you have hair?"

    "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed
    the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair
    department.....very generously indeed.

    The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

    Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you
    see it?"

    "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

    "Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough

    "I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"
  3. ancient kayaker
    Joined: Aug 2006
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    Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada

    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

  4. sctpc
    Joined: Jul 2008
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    Location: Melbourne

    sctpc Junior Member

    With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

    As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

    Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.

    Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

    That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

    Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

    This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
  5. Landlubber
    Joined: Jun 2007
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    Location: Brisbane

    Landlubber Senior Member

    sctpc, that was funny.....
  6. Saildude
    Joined: Jun 2011
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    Location: Seattle, Washington, USA

    Saildude Junior Member


    Not funny at all - some years ago now - one of my best friends was hit head on by a drunk driver and killed - drunk was going the wrong way on the freeway - knocked my friend off his motorcycle and the body went into the river - dredging crew found the body a month later - the drunk after hitting my friend drove on down the freeway not knowing they hit anything and only stopped when they hit a car - the state patrol followed the trail of wreckage back to my friends cycle lying by the side of the freeway

    so I find drunk driver jokes tedious and not funny at all
    1 person likes this.
  7. hoytedow
    Joined: Sep 2009
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    hoytedow Carbon Based Life Form

    Me neither. I have lost several friends and acquaintances to drunk drivers. Two were on motorcycles and the rest were in automobiles.
  8. troy2000
    Joined: Nov 2009
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    Location: California

    troy2000 Senior Member

    There are enough things in the world to avoid because of political correctness. Forgive me if I don't feel like adding jokes about drunks, misbehaving children and sexuality to the list; I know the difference between joking about behavior and endorsing it.;)
  9. hoytedow
    Joined: Sep 2009
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    hoytedow Carbon Based Life Form

    Did you hear the one about the alcoholic socialist who drowned his pregnant girlfriend in a Volkswagen?
  10. troy2000
    Joined: Nov 2009
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    Location: California

    troy2000 Senior Member

    No. But I remember seeing National Lampoon's famous satirical ad -- the one that said, "if Ted Kennedy drove a Volkswagen, he'd be President today."

    Volkswagens do float; I drove my 1959 Bug down a launching ramp one day and proved it. It just leaked a little where the battery had corroded the floor pan under the back seat....
  11. michael pierzga
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    Location: spain

    michael pierzga Senior Member

  12. Bamby
    Joined: Jun 2009
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    Location: USA near Wheeling, W.V.

    Bamby Junior Member

    If you ever testify in court ............

    You might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

    He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

    Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

    A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

    Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

    A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

    Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

    A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

    Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

    A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

    Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

    A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

    Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

    A: 'Yes, sir.'

    Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

    A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

    The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
  13. hoytedow
    Joined: Sep 2009
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    hoytedow Carbon Based Life Form

    Sent to me from one of my surviving friends:
    When chemists die, they barium.

    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

    I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

    They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

    PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

    Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

    We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

    When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

    Broken pencils are pointless.

    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

    All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

    Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

    Velcro - what a rip off!

    A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

    Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
  14. troy2000
    Joined: Nov 2009
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    Location: California

    troy2000 Senior Member

    Yeah, I heard about that poor lady. She was so cross-eyed that when she cried, the tears ran down her back. She finally wound up in the hospital, suffering from bacteria.....

  15. hoytedow
    Joined: Sep 2009
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    hoytedow Carbon Based Life Form

    It must have been a facultative back-cillus. :)
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