BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

Discussion in 'All Things Boats & Boating' started by brian eiland, Oct 29, 2006.

  1. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 170, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Angry husband is not satisfied with his wife's behaviour and sends an sms to his mother in law. Your product is not matching my requirments ...


    Smart mother in law replies - Warranty expired , manufacturer not responsible after seal is broken ..
     
  2. ancient kayaker
    Joined: Aug 2006
    Posts: 3,497
    Likes: 146, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 2291
    Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada

    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

    Aging #3

    Know how to prevent sagging?
    Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


    It's scary when you start making the same noises
    as your coffee maker.


    These days about half the stuff
    in my shopping cart says,
    'For fast relief.'


    THE SENILITY PRAYER :
    Grant me the senility to forget the people
    I never liked anyway,
    the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
    the eyesight to tell the difference.
     
  3. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 170, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
    The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

    "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
    A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
    The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

    "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

    "And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

    "I see your ears are working too," Says the duck.

    "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

    "Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

    "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

    "I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

    "I'm a plasterer."

    The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a paper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
    The same thing happens for two weeks.
    Then one day the circus comes to town.
    The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
    "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

    "Sounds marvellous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

    "Get him to give me a call."

    So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

    "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck."Where is it?"

    "At the circus," Says the barman.

    "The circus?" Repeats the duck.

    "That's right," Replies the barman.

    "The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?"

    "Yeah," the barman replies.

    "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?"says the duck.

    "Of course," the barman replies.

    "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

    "That's right!" says the barman.

    The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

    "What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!"
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. rwatson
    Joined: Aug 2007
    Posts: 5,789
    Likes: 265, Points: 83, Legacy Rep: 1749
    Location: Tasmania,Australia

    rwatson Senior Member

    Dyslexics are teople poo!

    ... so there :p
     
    1 person likes this.
  5. Bamby
    Joined: Jun 2009
    Posts: 5
    Likes: 43, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 889
    Location: USA near Wheeling, W.V.

    Bamby Junior Member

    Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
    The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

    One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

    1) It is perfect formula for the child.
    2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
    3) It is always the right temperature.
    4) It is inexpensive.
    5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
    6) It is always available as needed.

    And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

    7) It comes in two attractive containers high enough off the ground that the cat can't get them.

    He got an A.
     
  6. Bamby
    Joined: Jun 2009
    Posts: 5
    Likes: 43, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 889
    Location: USA near Wheeling, W.V.

    Bamby Junior Member

    At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All of the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living."


    The bartender was nearly crushed to death!
     
    1 person likes this.
  7. nordvindcrew
    Joined: Sep 2006
    Posts: 541
    Likes: 13, Points: 18, Legacy Rep: 231
    Location: Marshfield massachusetts usa

    nordvindcrew Senior Member

    bad

    a baby seal walks into a bar room and climbs up on a bar stool. What will you have asks the bar tender? The seal answers: Anything but a Canadian club
     
  8. rwatson
    Joined: Aug 2007
    Posts: 5,789
    Likes: 265, Points: 83, Legacy Rep: 1749
    Location: Tasmania,Australia

    rwatson Senior Member

    Some really unusual practical jokes here

     
  9. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 170, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Miss: What does chickens give us ?

    Eggs miss.

    Miss: What does sheep give us ?

    Wool miss

    Miss: What does cows give us ?

    Homework miss...



    Teacher: Johnny, I wan t to see your dad,
    Where do you live !

    Johnny: We live next to the Smith's, sir

    Teacher : And where does the Smith's live ?

    Johnny: They live next to us sir...



    Robber in the bank shouts at the blond
    Lie on your stomach not your back
    This is a robbery, not a bank party !
     

    Attached Files:

  10. Redtick
    Joined: Jul 2009
    Posts: 21
    Likes: 7, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 82
    Location: usa

    Redtick Junior Member

    A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if
    she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't
    have a bath, although if she wanted one, she could use a tin bath in
    front of the fire.

    "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

    The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

    After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
    filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to
    see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her
    husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
    "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the
    back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for
    yourself."

    So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
    asked:

    "Do you shave?"

    "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do
    you have hair?"

    "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed
    the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair
    department.....very generously indeed.

    The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

    Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you
    see it?"

    "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

    "Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough
    before."

    "I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"
     
  11. ancient kayaker
    Joined: Aug 2006
    Posts: 3,497
    Likes: 146, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 2291
    Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada

    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

  12. sctpc
    Joined: Jul 2008
    Posts: 11
    Likes: 4, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 62
    Location: Melbourne

    sctpc Junior Member

    With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

    As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

    Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.

    Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

    That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

    Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

    This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
     
  13. Landlubber
    Joined: Jun 2007
    Posts: 2,640
    Likes: 123, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 1802
    Location: Brisbane

    Landlubber Senior Member

    sctpc,

    ...now that was funny.....
     
  14. Saildude
    Joined: Jun 2011
    Posts: 84
    Likes: 9, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 119
    Location: Seattle, Washington, USA

    Saildude Junior Member

    sctpc,

    Not funny at all - some years ago now - one of my best friends was hit head on by a drunk driver and killed - drunk was going the wrong way on the freeway - knocked my friend off his motorcycle and the body went into the river - dredging crew found the body a month later - the drunk after hitting my friend drove on down the freeway not knowing they hit anything and only stopped when they hit a car - the state patrol followed the trail of wreckage back to my friends cycle lying by the side of the freeway

    so I find drunk driver jokes tedious and not funny at all
     
    1 person likes this.

  15. hoytedow
    Joined: Sep 2009
    Posts: 5,401
    Likes: 193, Points: 73, Legacy Rep: 2489
    Location: North of Cuba

    hoytedow Wood Butcher

    Me neither. I have lost several friends and acquaintances to drunk drivers. Two were on motorcycles and the rest were in automobiles.
     
Loading...
Similar Threads
  1. Ber Ebus
    Replies:
    1
    Views:
    43
  2. Njmonday
    Replies:
    3
    Views:
    66
  3. JosephT
    Replies:
    5
    Views:
    166
  4. fvzymvnk
    Replies:
    2
    Views:
    233
  5. Squidly-Diddly
    Replies:
    2
    Views:
    239
  6. Daboat
    Replies:
    0
    Views:
    199
  7. Anthony Appleyard
    Replies:
    6
    Views:
    465
  8. Tealeaf7
    Replies:
    3
    Views:
    380
  9. Todd Hartman
    Replies:
    7
    Views:
    629
  10. gamage
    Replies:
    1
    Views:
    468
Forum posts represent the experience, opinion, and view of individual users. Boat Design Net does not necessarily endorse nor share the view of each individual post.
When making potentially dangerous or financial decisions, always employ and consult appropriate professionals. Your circumstances or experience may be different.