Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

No one grows fruit trees from seed - all gardeners use cuttings, as you cant rely on the seeds to produce a good tree.

In fact, most fruit trees are grafted onto a tougher 'rootstock' as well, to ensure robust, productive orchards.

I know this because I am an expert on planting fruit trees - those 4 little stumps of the apricot, plum and apples trees planted next to my shed, just along from the cherry tree with all the brown droopy leaves being eaten by slugs.

 

No thanks. I already have an umbrella stand.

 

Sarah Palin or Victoria Beckam?

 

That is both unkind and undeserved.

 

You are supposed to spray the trees, you know. Sometimes I remember to do mine. I planted another 5 trees last week in my copious spare time.

PDW

 

Sorry. I was trying for horrifying.

 

You should have mentioned Hillary if you were trying for horrifying.

http://electionsmeter.com/polls/hillary-clinton

http://cdn1.beeffco.com/files/poll-images/small/hillary-clinton_9557.jpg

 

Has she achieved anything yet?

 

A priest, a minister and a rabbi were out fishing on a boat. The priest announced he'd love a beer so he stepped out of the boat ,walked across the water to a deli,bought a beer and walked back to the boat. The minister said he'd love a Coke so he did the same and walked across the water to the same deli and came back with the Coke.The rabbi,not to be outdone said he wanted a Pepsi. He stepped out of the boat fell in the water and drowned. With this the priest turned to the minister and said: "Guess he didn't know where the rocks are."

 

Supposed true story

Charter boat fisherman became seasick and lost his new false teeth, mate thought it be funny, put his on hook and reeled in. Wow how lucky can you be! matched snatched and mouthed, then tossed out to sea, nope not mine!

 

Smith is in trouble in the boss's office

Smith, I heard you were behaving badly at the office party last night by pushing a wheelbarrow around

You should know sir, you were in the wheelbarrow...

 

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Did you ever stop and wonder.......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from ******?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

 

Old lady at the ATM asked me to check here balance...
Gave her a light push and she fell right over - no balance !

 

I saw a car in London with a bumper sticker...

"I MISS SOUTH-AFRICA"

So I broke the window, stole the radio and laptop, and left a note that said...

“Now, do you feel any better?”

Signed Philamon

 

Dad an mom wants to... you know but johnny sleeps between them.
So dad puts him on the floor.
Later when dad wants to go to the bathroom he accidentally steps on Johnny.
That's right, exclaims Johnny, make a new one then stomp the old one to death...