BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

Discussion in 'All Things Boats & Boating' started by brian eiland, Oct 29, 2006.

  1. hoytedow
    Joined: Sep 2009
    Posts: 5,402
    Likes: 194, Points: 73, Legacy Rep: 2489
    Location: North of Cuba

    hoytedow Wood Butcher

  2. hoytedow
    Joined: Sep 2009
    Posts: 5,402
    Likes: 194, Points: 73, Legacy Rep: 2489
    Location: North of Cuba

    hoytedow Wood Butcher

  3. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 170, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    From Garfield -

    A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

    Well, there's a very simple answer.
    Nobody bothered to check the oil.
    We just didn't know we were getting low.
    The reason for that is purely geographical.

    Our oIL is located in:
    Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Coastal Alabama, Coastal Mississippi, Coastal Texas, North Dakota, Wyoming, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, And Texas

    Our dipstick is located in the White House!

    Any Questions?

    NO? Didn't think So.
     
  4. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 170, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She
    lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

    "What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior.. "I thought this
    was the day you spent with your family."

    "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We
    try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer
    before I devoted my life to Christ."

    "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day
    of recreation was not relaxing?"

    "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in
    vain today!"

    "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell
    me all about it!"

    "Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540
    yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the
    drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

    And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it
    hits a bird in mid-flight !"

    "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't
    make you blaspheme, Sister!"

    "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom
    what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and
    runs off down the fairway!"

    "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother..

    "But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself!
    And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk
    swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball
    still clutched in his paws!"

    "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

    "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the
    hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the
    hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his
    paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

    Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
    fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

    "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you !"
     
    1 person likes this.
  5. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 170, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Mother and 5 year old son in queue in bank behind a big woman.
    After a while the boy says "Good grief but she's fat !"
    Mother whispers to him not to talk like that...
    Boy stetches his arms out wide "Her bum is this wide !"
    Fat woman glares and the mother just wanted to sort him out
    when the fat lady's phone goes "beep... beep... beep"
    Boy shouts "Watch out ! Get out of the way... she's going to reverse !"
     
  6. hoytedow
    Joined: Sep 2009
    Posts: 5,402
    Likes: 194, Points: 73, Legacy Rep: 2489
    Location: North of Cuba

    hoytedow Wood Butcher

    Talk about an inertial mass!

    Gravitional mass is identical to inertial mass, that is, the amount of inertia an object has and the amount of gravity it has are effectively the same. What is interesting is that there seems to be no reason why this is true. Conveivable is an extremely large object with enormous resistance to force and no gravity (or vice versa), but this is practically never observed.

    You know what? I'll just skip the rest of the buildup and give it to you straight: your mum's fat as a whale.
     
  7. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 170, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers.
    The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
    1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
    2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
    3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
    4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
    5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
    6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)
    7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
    8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
    9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
    10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
    11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
    12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)
    13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
    14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
    15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
    16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
     
  8. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 170, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    The origination of the word 'vegetarian' is interesting.
    Apparently it originates from ancient Red Indian languages and the original meaning was 'bad hunter'.
     

    Attached Files:

    • Veg.jpg
      Veg.jpg
      File size:
      25.9 KB
      Views:
      8,022
  9. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 170, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    They say shitting is a call of nature...
    Does that mean farting is a missed call ?
     
  10. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 170, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Blond walks into pharmacy, takes a teaspoon and pours a liquid from a small bottle.
    She gives it to the pharmacist to taste.
    He taste it and pull a face
    Blond asks him if it tastes sweet ?
    No says the pharmacist
    Thank goodness says the blond, the doctor said I must have my urine tested by you guys for sugar.
     
  11. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
    Likes: 170, Points: 63, Legacy Rep: 2484
    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly
    man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

    The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told
    him of his great ambition to be a great shot...

    Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

    The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high -
    tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

    'Sure will '

    the young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the
    bow tie off the piano player.

    'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

    'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer
    hits it - that will give you a smoother draw'

    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

    'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

    The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a
    blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

    'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

    The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle
    grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

    The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

    'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

    'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano,
    he's gonna shove that gun right up your arse, and it won't hurt as much.'
     
  12. Sean Herron
    Joined: May 2004
    Posts: 1,520
    Likes: 29, Points: 58, Legacy Rep: 417
    Location: Richmond, BC, CA.

    Sean Herron Senior Member

    SUP...

    The only thing difficult about stand up paddle boarding is having to tell your parents that you are gay...

    SH.
     
  13. BPL
    Joined: Dec 2011
    Posts: 217
    Likes: 15, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 209
    Location: Home base USA

    BPL Senior Member

    What's different between a standup paddle board and a large surfboard?
     
  14. WestVanHan
    Joined: Aug 2009
    Posts: 1,374
    Likes: 56, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 746
    Location: Vancouver

    WestVanHan Not a Senior Member

    Sean..you're back!!

    I'm not,but it's a very good way to develop muscles.
     

  15. SheetWise
    Joined: Jul 2004
    Posts: 279
    Likes: 54, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 658
    Location: Phoenix

    SheetWise All Beach -- No Water.

    [​IMG]
     
Loading...
Forum posts represent the experience, opinion, and view of individual users. Boat Design Net does not necessarily endorse nor share the view of each individual post.
When making potentially dangerous or financial decisions, always employ and consult appropriate professionals. Your circumstances or experience may be different.