Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Glad you like them.

I bet they are without pips. That is so you guys cannot plant them and grow your own kind of a copyright protection. It's like a read protection you put on microchips during programming

 

Yep, navel oranges have no pips (seeds). But you guys are Johnny-come-latelies. Navel oranges have been the mainstay of the citrus industry in southern California since the 1870's....

Supposedly the first navel oranges were a mutation from a tree in a Brazilian monastery. The US Department of Agriculture somehow managed to get some cuttings from the tree, and sent two or three starter trees to Eliza Tibbets in Riverside to see if they would grow. One of her original trees is still alive and bearing fruit, some 140 years later.

It was excellent timing, too. They started growing them just as the transcontinental railroads connected California with the east coast, allowing the oranges to be shipped all over the country.

 

Correct; no seeds[pips].

 

Of course there's another reason they don't have pips in them.
Its to avoid getting sued if any one of you should bite on a pip and break your teeth

 

When I was a kid the pips were the best part: a well aimed pip will sting at 20 feet . . .

 

Big child me still shoot every one else with water melon pips.
You just squeeze them between the fingers and they stick on who ever you hit

 

Ladies! If a man says he is going to fix something, he will.
There's no need to remind him every 6 months.

 

LOL made me laugh. http://www.lolhome.com/funny-picture-1027548997.html

 

Best be careful! http://www.lolhome.com/funny-picture-1022951481.html

 

From Garfield -

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our oIL is located in:
Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Coastal Alabama, Coastal Mississippi, Coastal Texas, North Dakota, Wyoming, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, And Texas

Our dipstick is located in the White House!

Any Questions?

NO? Didn't think So.

 

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She
lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior.. "I thought this
was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We
try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer
before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day
of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in
vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell
me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540
yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the
drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it
hits a bird in mid-flight !"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't
make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom
what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and
runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother..

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk
swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball
still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the
hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the
hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his
paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you !"

 

Mother and 5 year old son in queue in bank behind a big woman.
After a while the boy says "Good grief but she's fat !"
Mother whispers to him not to talk like that...
Boy stetches his arms out wide "Her bum is this wide !"
Fat woman glares and the mother just wanted to sort him out
when the fat lady's phone goes "beep... beep... beep"
Boy shouts "Watch out ! Get out of the way... she's going to reverse !"

 

Talk about an inertial mass!

Gravitional mass is identical to inertial mass, that is, the amount of inertia an object has and the amount of gravity it has are effectively the same. What is interesting is that there seems to be no reason why this is true. Conveivable is an extremely large object with enormous resistance to force and no gravity (or vice versa), but this is practically never observed.

You know what? I'll just skip the rest of the buildup and give it to you straight: your mum's fat as a whale.

 

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers.
The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

 

The origination of the word 'vegetarian' is interesting.
Apparently it originates from ancient Red Indian languages and the original meaning was 'bad hunter'.