Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Discussion in 'All Things Boats & Boating' started by brian eiland, Oct 29, 2006.

  1. lewisboats
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    lewisboats Obsessed Member

    Spooky coincidence... I am watching a show where the murderer is using a compound bow and arrows. Not something that you come across every day...even in Hollyweird.
     
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  2. Fanie
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Anything more shocking or gruesome will suffice.

    They must have figgered guns doesn't do it any more...
     
  3. lewisboats
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    Location: Iowa

    lewisboats Obsessed Member

    Story has modern day Cheyenne tribe in it and there was a plot twist to try and direct it on them. Kinda corny but what the hey.
     
  4. Fanie
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    Fanie Fanie

    LOL, you missed a few in the old day's and now they're back... ?
     
  5. Fanie
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    Fanie Fanie

    We had some snow in the Kruger Park.

    They're trying to locate the other animals now...
     

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  6. Fanie
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    Fanie Fanie

    NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars today. Early pictures show no signs of beer and ****, making it very clear that men are not from Mars ....
     
  7. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    This is an actual review on amazon.co.UK for Veet Hair Removal for Men...

    A. Chappell

    This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)

    After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

    I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

    At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen.. by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .

    Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.

    This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

    Unfortunately, alerted by the strange moans and grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...so to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...
     
  8. lewisboats
    Joined: Oct 2002
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    Location: Iowa

    lewisboats Obsessed Member

    Good one...that one had me crying. Dog thinks I have lost it. Thanks!
     
  9. Fanie
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Kid from Brakpan came running into the kitchen to his mother, crying.

    She asks what's wrong ?

    He says the dog threw up on the carpet.

    She says that's not so bad, what's the fuzz... ?

    He says yes but sis is taking all the big pieces and all I get is the sause...
     
  10. Fanie
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    My missus packed my bags and as I walked out of the front door she screamed... "I wish u a slow and painful death you *******!"

    "Oh" I replied, "so you want me to stay now!"
     
  11. hoytedow
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    hoytedow Fly on the Wall - Miss ddt yet?

    Longmire, perchance?
     
  12. hoytedow
    Joined: Sep 2009
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    Location: The Land of Lost Content

    hoytedow Fly on the Wall - Miss ddt yet?

    LMAO!
     
  13. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Young stuttering chap asks the old man with prostrate problems in the h h h h h hospital wha wha wha what is he he he he the the there f f f f for ?

    I piss like you speak, son.
     
  14. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Our athletes at the olympics took four gold medals !
    Unfortunately they were apprehended and had to give them back...
    (one comment: Trust SA never to dissapoint... LOL)
     

  15. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Guy watches a movie in his lounge.

    Suddenly he jumps up and shout "Don't go in, don't go in !"

    His wife asks "what are you watching?"

    He says "Our wedding movie..."

    Should watch that one backwards... so he can see himself walking away from it.
     
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