Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Discussion in 'All Things Boats & Boating' started by brian eiland, Oct 29, 2006.

  1. Angélique
    Joined: Feb 2009
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    Location: Belgium ⇄ The Netherlands

    Angélique aka Angel (only by name)

    Last edited: Apr 29, 2012
    1 person likes this.
  2. hoytedow
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    hoytedow Carbon Based Life Form

    That was just super!
     
  3. Bamby
    Joined: Jun 2009
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    Location: USA near Wheeling, W.V.

    Bamby Junior Member

    Liberal Media

    A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Louisiana when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

    Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

    The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

    Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

    A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

    The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

    The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
    So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

    The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

    The journalist leaves.

    The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

    U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS

    AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
     
  4. Bamby
    Joined: Jun 2009
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    Location: USA near Wheeling, W.V.

    Bamby Junior Member

    Pet Rooster

    A farmer and a pet rooster went everywhere together. One day they went to a movie and as the farmer got close to the ticket window the clerk said,"I'm sorry but you can't take animals into the theater."

    The man looked sad and said "But this is my pet rooster, Clucky. He goes wherever I go.

    "Oh, I understand,”but if that is the case "you should not come in either."

    The farmer sighed and said, "Well this time I will leave him in the truck!”

    So the farmer went around the corner and stuffed Clucky down his pants. He then went back, got his ticket, went into the theater, and sat down next to two old ladies.

    About halfway through the movie Clucky started struggling so the farmer unzipped his pants to let him stick his head out.

    The first old lady saw this and turned to her friend and whispered, "Patsy, you’re not going to believe this but the man next to me has just unzipped his pants and let his thing out."

    Patsy turned to her friend and said, "Well just ignore him. Besides, at our age, we've seen plenty."

    "Well normally I would agree with you, but this one eating my popcorn!"
     
  5. Bamby
    Joined: Jun 2009
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    Location: USA near Wheeling, W.V.

    Bamby Junior Member

    Little Johnny on the farm

    One morning, Johnny comes down to breakfast.

    His mother says to him, have you done your farm chores yet?

    Johnny says, no.

    So the mother says, do your chores... then you can have your breakfast.

    Angrily, Johnny stomps out to the cow shed.

    While he's milking the cows, he kicks a cow.

    Then he goes to collect the eggs from the chickens, and kicks a chicken

    Then he goes to check on the pigs, and kicks a pig

    Coming back in to the house, he finds a bowl of dry cereal at the breakfast table.

    His mother explains that because he kicked a cow, he'd have no milk for a week. Because you kicked the chicken, no eggs for a week. And because you kicked the pig, there’ll also be no bacon for a week.

    Just then, the father comes down and kicks the cat

    Johnny: do you want to tell him, or shall I
     
  6. rxcomposite
    Joined: Jan 2005
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    Location: Philippines

    rxcomposite Senior Member

    A: It is called a bankrun.

    Q: How can a bank run? It is planted solidly to the ground.
    A: It is only a term. The bank officials close the doors and exit thru the backdoor so they will not honor the commitment.

    Q: What will they tell the depositors?
    A: They will call it a Bank Holiday. Celebrating perhaps on how gullible the depositors are.
     
  7. Minusadegree
    Joined: Jan 2012
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    Location: Ct, USA

    Minusadegree Junior Member

    The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

    "No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

    The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

    "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!"

    The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

    "No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

    The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a v*****."

    The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know v***** worked as a pain killer!"

    "It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
     
  8. ancient kayaker
    Joined: Aug 2006
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    Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada

    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

    Dam Funny

    This is the text of an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan Smith regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. Mr. Smith's response is hilarious. Names have been changed to protect both the innocent and the guilty . . .
    SUBJECT: DEQ
    File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County

    Dear Mr. Smith:

    It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

    Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

    A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

    The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2010.

    Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

    We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

    Sincerely,
    David L. Jones
    District Representative and Water Management Division.

    Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. Smith: Re: DEQ File
    No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

    Dear Mr. Jones,

    Your certified letter dated 11/17/09 has been handed to me. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

    A couple of beavers are in the (State-unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorized, nor supervised their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of nature’s building materials: 'debris.'

    I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

    These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

    My first dam question to you is:

    (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
    (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

    If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

    I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

    The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

    If you want the damed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

    In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

    So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2010? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

    In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

    Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

    THANK YOU,


    RYAN Smith & THE DAM BEAVERS
     
  9. hoytedow
    Joined: Sep 2009
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    hoytedow Carbon Based Life Form

    That was dam funny.
     
  10. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ...

    "The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

    Red meat is full of steroids and dye.

    Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

    Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

    High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

    But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.

    Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

    After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

    "Wedding Cake."
     
  11. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
    Posts: 4,603
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class...

    Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?
    Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon...
    Teacher : Wow !! what a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and
    calm like the moon?
    Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning...
     
  12. Fanie
    Joined: Oct 2007
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    Location: Colonial "Sick Africa"

    Fanie Fanie

    Farmer's wife overheard him crapping a worker out that was causing problems.

    She calls him aside and said instead of the tantrum, rather prey about the matter.

    A while later she overheard him preying in the bedroom -

    "... and Lord, in connection with Phillamon, are you going to come fetch him yourself or must I send him to you..."
     
  13. Bamby
    Joined: Jun 2009
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    Location: USA near Wheeling, W.V.

    Bamby Junior Member

    ron_paul_fed_cartoon.jpg
     
  14. Bamby
    Joined: Jun 2009
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    Location: USA near Wheeling, W.V.

    Bamby Junior Member

    Due to the jobs moving from Calif to Texas I wanted to supply those involved in the move some help with the language.

    CALIF-TEXAS.jpg
     

  15. philSweet
    Joined: May 2008
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    Location: Beaufort, SC and H'ville, NC

    philSweet Senior Member

    They left out the horse/whores pronunciation thing. The safest bet for a newbie is to always say horses, even if you just mean one, until you get the hang of it, or you're gonna git some funny looks.
     
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